Dead Lovely
by Sunrise over the Tango Factory
Summary: Another derelict. Another surprise. For a while everything’s going well, but the discovery of an empty town and a radio tower unearths something far more sinister then the Dwarfers could ever imagine…not even in their worst nightmares.
1. Rimmer is lonely

**A/N:** I'm back! (Evil laugh). I said I might write a sequel to 'Deadlier than the male' and here it is…I've got a pretty good idea for this one, so hopefully it won't disappoint. It's involves: action, romance, blood, gore, pain, mystery, panic, fear, more pain, sex, and yet more pain!

**Disclaimer: **Despite having multiple personalities, I am **not** two very creative men who goeth by the name Grant Naylor. I do not own Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, Holly, Red Dwarf, Starbug, JMC or anything related with the JMC. I do however own Toni and…the new character…Oh and also, the album 'American Idiot' and all it's songs are property of Greenday and Reprise records.

Anyway, to business! Enjoy the chapter, reviews welcomed!

Okay, this is set after Rimmer got his hard light drive; I guess you can decide what happened in between. Could be slight AU e.g. the boys from the Dwarf did everything they did in series 5 and 6 but Toni was there too…or they didn't…. you're choice. Go with the flow!

Oh, I've just got back off my hols…I'm kinda tanned, for those of you wondering why I'm getting hyped up about this, I'm Teshion (posh word for ginger) and I don't usually tan much. Sheesh, I'm ranting again, you see what happens when I go without TV/Internet/Red Dwarf/PC/Emails/MSN/Liz and Other buddies for 2 weeks. I go mad! I'm a bit worn out from the plane ride…panicking really tires you out. I was okay after a while though but then I had a huge panic attack when I saw my meal…was that really supposed to be a scrambled egg? I've seen tastier looking loft insulation!

Oh, one last thing, can someone tell me what's been going on in corrie? Cheers!

**Sunny**

**XXX**

* * *

'It's rude to stare'

That's what Rimmer had been taught as a young boy…but he couldn't help it. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't tear his gaze away from the couple.

Lister and Toni were sat exchanging playful kisses, wrapped in each other's arms and away in their own in little world…and all Rimmer could do was watch.

Some would call it perverse, but he didn't get some strange, erotic kick out of it, quite the opposite in fact: It made him want to cry.

He could pretend Lister and Toni's affectionate actions didn't bother him. He could sneer, roll his eyes and snipe 'get a room' but it never made him feel any better.

Being cruel, sarcastic and vindictive didn't cure loneliness; it just helped to pass the time.

Rimmer felt the same rising sense of bitterness and jealously as he experienced every time he clapped eyes on Lister and Toni in one of their 'loved up' moods.

He tried to hide the sadness that he knew was evident on his face but thankfully they didn't notice, their concentration solely devoted to each other.

Being alone had never bothered Rimmer before, but perhaps it was because before Toni arrived Cat and Lister were in the same boat as he was - no female company (as sweet as Holly was, she didn't really count)

But things changed, Lister now had Toni. The word loneliness had been officially removed from his vocabulary; there was no need for it.

Rimmer didn't hate Lister for having Toni as his girlfriend, no matter how many times he'd tried to convince himself that he did. He was actually rather glad. Toni had an amazing effect on Lister and slowly but surely, he'd changed for the better.

He was still the same beer swilling, curry guzzling, grubby, unwashed space bum as he always was, but he was now more mature, slightly smarter and, believe it or not, more tolerant of Rimmer.

To say that the pair had become friends instantly would be an outright lie. Miracles can't happen over night.

It started off small, like Lister calling Rimmer 'Rimmer' instead of 'smeg head' or any number of the insultive names he'd thought up over the years. In turn, Rimmer had restricted his use of snide remarks, sarcasm and nastiness against Lister.

They weren't friends, they just didn't hate each other as much as they used to, but it was still an improvement.

They were getting on marginally better, only occasionally having an argument or a trade of insults, for old times sake rather then anything else.

Rimmer watched closely as Lister sneaked his arm round Toni's slender waist and held her close, his eyes looking deep into hers as he leant in for a kiss.

It was at that point Rimmer finally managed to tear himself away. He wandered back to his quarters, feeling thoroughly fed up.

Every time he saw Lister and Toni together, kissing and cuddling he wished he could experience that with a women.

He longed to wake up with the person you love lying next to you. His heart ached for a woman he adored to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. That was all Rimmer wanted, a woman to love who would also love him in return.

The harsh truth was, Rimmer would never experience anything like that, the first reason being that he was in the middle of deep space, so women were in short supply.

Secondly, he was dead – a huge turn off.

The third and final reason being that if by some bizarre, freaky stroke of luck they _did_ find a woman, she would instantly hate him for the simple reason that he was Arnold J Rimmer: detested and loathed by all women regardless of whether they'd met him or not.

The only woman who didn't hate him was Toni. Over the past two years she and Rimmer had become good friends.

He'd never tried taking their friendship any further because he wasn't the type of man who stole someone else's girlfriend (no matter how desperate he was) and also he knew Lister would tear him limb from limb if he even dared think of Toni in that way.

Just lately, Rimmer had started thinking of Toni as the caring little sister his parents never got round to having.

He told her things he'd never told anyone else. Deep, dark personal secrets that had tormented his soul for many years. Once or twice he'd broke down in front of her, but rather then make her excuses and leave, Toni held his hand and reassured him everything was better now.

As great as Toni was she couldn't fill the void in Rimmer's life. The big, gaping woman-shaped hole with the words 'insert girlfriend here' in the middle.

Once inside his quarters, Rimmer sighed wearily. He walked over to the CD player and skipped to track 7.

A few months earlier they'd come across a derelict filled with 20th and 21st century music. Rimmer had come across as CD by a band called Greenday. He'd at first avoided listening to it; rock music wasn't really his thing. But in the end he relented and played the album and, he was forced to admit it wasn't half bad…in fact, it was rather good.

Then song 7 began to play 'Give Me Novacaine'. He listened intently to the lyrics.

"Drain the pressure from the swelling

This sensations overwhelming

Give me a long kiss goodnight

And everything will be alright

Tell me that I won't feel a thing

Give me Novacaine"

Shivers ran down Rimmer's spine and the hair on the back of his neck stood on end. The lyrics meant something to him; no song had ever had that effect on his before.

The song continued and with each new line came more meaning, Rimmer was hanging onto every word, hardly breathing.

"Out of body and out of mind

Kiss the demons out of my dreams

I get the funny feeling that's alright

Jimmy says it's better than here"

After that, 'American Idiot' became Rimmer's most listened to album, his Hammond organ music and Reggie Wilson tapes were hardly touched.

He'd been converted to the world of rock and it felt pretty damn good!

"Kiss the demons out of my dreams," mouthed Rimmer, in perfect time with Billie Joe.

That was his favourite line. He was sure that if he had someone to love, all his neurosis, bitterness and anger would disappear.

He'd be a new man.

No longer worthy of the title 'Prize Smeghead'.

All Rimmer needed was someone to kiss away the pain…but what were the chances of that? He was going to be lonely forever, with only his hang-ups to keep him company.

As the song ended, Rimmer sighed and looked up to see Lister stood in the doorway.

"Krytes has spotted a derelict," he explained "just wondered if you wanted to go and check it out" he paused before adding cheekily "or shall we wait til you've finished your air guitar?

"I don't do air guitar!" said Rimmer, turning off the CD player, halting Billie Joe part way through 'she's a rebel'.

"Not whilst sober at least" grinned Lister

"Alright, I admit that in the past I've performed air guitar whilst being a wee bit intoxicated but" said Rimmer, slipping out the door "at least I've never tried pole dancing on the gantry supports…"

"We never speak of that, remember!" said Lister hastily, a slight blush creeping across his cheeks "it's not something I'm proud of!"

Rimmer merely laughed and the pair headed off to explore the derelict.

* * *

There we go…first chapter. Sorry it wasn't very funny and didn't really hint at any type of plot but soon will start to fall in place soon…. just wait and see :D God…I love knowing something other people don't…. it makes me feel superior!

Oh yeah and about the whole 'Give me Novacaine' bit…well to put it simply I LOVE GREENDAY! (Coughs) sorry, I sounded waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much like a groupie there…. also, the lyrics sort of linked into the chapter…. I'm going to shut up now.

There, I shut up (realises she hasn't) damn my vocal chords! (Realises she's typing) damn my fingers…my chunky man fingers….:D

Bye bye


	2. Arguements

A/N: Phew, this wasn't going to be a long chapter, but somehow I lost control and well…1965 words later I managed to get it back.

Big thank you to:

**Boogle:** I had a lovely time on my hols, hoped you enjoyed yours

**Reddwarfaddict:** I've got the American Idiot and International Superhits album, both are fantastic. Thanks for filling me in on Corrie, I go away for 2 weeks and Lloyd gets a story line (grumbles)! Kill the bitch!

**Caz-flibs:** Who doesn't air guitar in their room, I go one step further and air guitar in public. I've got to say, I'm insanely jealous that you're going to Florida. I've yet to visit the ol' US of A…

**Jumana: **Glad you liked the chapter :D

**Zombie Kitty: **I've got some good ideas for Cat and i'm sure I can think some more up. I salute you for making it your mission to get more Cat fan fictions onto this site (salutes), don't worry Cat and Kryten won't get forgotten about!

To those who read and don't review, hello and thanks for taking the time to read my bizarre ramblings. If you could review I'd be ever so happy….please

Okay, here we go, chapter 2!

Peace out and review!

**Sunny  
XXXX**

* * *

The skeleton of the crashed derelict 'The New Renascence' looked strangely out of place against the almost idyllic backdrop of the planetoid. It's steely grey exterior clashed horridly with the lush green vegetation. 

A deep groove that had tore through the undergrowth stretched back for nearly a mile behind the craft, it served as a constant reminder as how it came to be there in the first place. It was evident it had crashed nose first into the surface of the planetoid before eventually skidding to a clumsy, haphazard stop.

Starbug landed with the smallest of jolts some twenty or thirty meters away. The sea of grass rippled from the blast of the lower retros as the roar of the engines gradually descended to a low hum before shutting off completely.

Inside, Toni was stood by the airlock with Lister and Rimmer, trying to ignore the dead weight of worry that had settled in the pit of her stomach.

Something didn't feel quite right.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" she asked, hoping the answer would be yes.

"Nah" said Lister "you stay here, we'll be fine."

Both Toni and Rimmer weren't exactly thrilled with his answer.

"What about the Cat?" persisted Toni, trying not to sound too anxious "He'd be able to smell danger – very useful…"

"We asked if he wanted to tag along…but he said he had more productive things to do with his time," said Rimmer, frowning slightly.

"Meaning?" asked Toni, wondering what Cat would deem as 'productive'. No doubt something preening related.

"Waxin' his legs" replied Lister with a grin,

"Oh" said Toni before adding sarcastically "Yes, I see the dire need for that!" she sighed and ran her hands through her silver hair "Be careful…"

"Don't worry" reassured Lister, taking hold of her hand "It's an empty derelict, we're just gonna have a look around and see if there's anything we can take" he smiled "I'll be back before you know it!"

"That's a hint to start warming the bed up" remarked Rimmer, sensing yet another Lister-and-Toni-getting-oh-so-intimate moment was about to occur

"Smeg off!" retorted Lister, after a short pause he turned back to Toni "could you though? Those sheets are like ice…it's a real passion killer!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes "Lister, you could have just sat through a six hour seminar entitled 'one million and one reasons why sex is bad for you' complete with horrifically graphic pictures and you'd _still_ be up for a quickie. If there's anything to be said about your passion it's that it's bloody invincible…. Nothing will kill it!"

"You come pretty damn close to succeeding though, Rimmer" smirked Lister making the hologram scowl.

"You know," said Toni thoughtfully "I read somewhere that being cold gives you a better orgasm…"

Lister laughed, "Like you need any help with _that_!"

Rimmer grimaced "can we stop this conversation now please…before I'm forced to invent an ingenious way of chewing my own ears off!" he shook his head in disgust, trying to erase what had just been said from his memory "What on Io made you think I wanted to know that? It's revolting!"

"You're just jealous," teased Lister before giving Toni a quick kiss goodbye

"_Jealous?_" snorted Rimmer "Now why would I be-" he trailed off; Lister was humming something, smiling at him in a way that meant he was taking the smeg.

The hologram strained to hear what he was humming.

Like a virgin.

Lister was humming the song 'Like a virgin'.

"Very funny" sneered the hologram "lets just get this over and done with shall we?" he said striding down Starbug's steps,

"That was cruel!" Said Toni although she had to admit, it was rather funny.

"He'll get over it" dismissed Lister, "see you in a bit"

"Be careful" Toni shouted after him, but her cry went unheard as Lister had chosen to break into a rousing chorus of 'Like a virgin' much to Rimmer's annoyance.

"Like a virgin" sang Lister, hopping down the last step,

"Shut up!" snapped Rimmer, turning round so Lister could benefit from one of his more threatening glares.

"Touched for the very first time!"

"I'm warning you now, Lister…one more word and I'll-" he stopped and blinked. Lister was holding a bazookoid. "What's that for?" asked Rimmer, gesturing to the mining laser "it's an empty derelict…"

Lister lowered his eyes guiltily "not quite" he muttered before adding hesitantly "there's a life sign…" He braced himself for an onslaught of abuse from the hologram but instead Rimmer spun on his heels and marched back towards the 'Bug.

"Where you goin'?" asked Lister, grabbing his arm to stop him going back up the steps.

"We're taking Toni with us" said Rimmer forcefully

"What? No!" yelled Lister, blocking his way "We can handle it…whatever it is!"

"Oh really" mocked Rimmer "and what if it's a 10 foot tall flesh eating, brain slurping, bone crunching armour plated, hideously mutated, super strong, extra fast psychotic space monster with all the compassion and composure of a hung over John McEnroe?"

Lister opened his mouth but for a few seconds he was speechless, trying desperately to decide what they would actually do if they met a 10 foot tall flash eating, brain slurping, bone crunching armour plated, hideously mutated, super strong, extra fast psychotic space monster with all the compassion and composure of a hung over John McEnroe.

Rimmer stared at him, awaiting his answer, although it would probably be an excuse.

"I hadn't thought of that," said Lister feebly,

"Evidently" snarled Rimmer "Now d'you see why I want Toni to come with us! We stand a better chance of surviving if she comes along…"

"And you're practically doomed to death if it's just me" frowned Lister "cheers man, great ego boost!"

"I wouldn't go as far as to say 'doomed to death'" said Rimmer, trying to salvage the situation, the last thing he needed at this moment in time was Lister in a sulk "More like constantly in mortal peril!"

This didn't have the desired effect. Lister pulled a face and clenched the fist of his free hand "what can Toni do that I can't?" he demanded.

"Oh I dunno…everything" said Rimmer "look don't take this personally but I think you should stop trying to out-macho her"

"You what?" replied Lister, forcing a laugh.

"I don't think you know you're doing it…. it's little things: pretending you're braver than you are, brushing up on your male bravado, going with the 'caveman' instinct…" Rimmer stopped as he noted Lister had a face like thunder. The hologram hadn't seen him this angry in a long time. "I said don't take it personally!" he added hastily

"Well I am, Rimmer," snapped Lister "I am taking it _very_ personally!" he paused and sighed. The look of anger was replaced by that of sadness and perhaps a little embarrassment, as if he knew he'd been caught out, "she does out-macho me, doesn't she…"

"Yep" nodded Rimmer "but, if it's any consolation, she out-machos all of us: you, me, Cat, Kryten…"

But Lister wasn't listening. For some time now he'd tried ignoring how he always was competing with Toni. If she suggested they go and have a look at an obviously dangerous planetoid, he'd back her up.

It was always Toni who insisted they fight whatever wanted to kill them (there'd been a lot lately) rather then running away. Personally, Lister always thought running away was a very sane and sensible idea but he would always side with Toni.

He had no idea why he did it, it never proved anything and it didn't get him any extra respect. If anything, it earned him less respect as Rimmer, Cat and Kryten all thought he was too much in love to think straight.

"Look" said Rimmer, trying to regain Lister's attention "she probably can't help it, she's been created that way. Female war G.E.L.F's aren't generally made to be 'feminine', they made to be tough, fearless, and strong…. not worrying about breaking a nail or comparing outfits. Being girly never won wars, Lister"

"What about the Romans?" asked Lister "they wore skirts, can't get any more girly then that can you?"

"First of all" said Rimmer, "they were not skirts, they were tunics and secondly the point I'm trying to make here is that no matter how much you want Toni to act like a 'real woman', it's never going to happen. It's in her nature _not_ to act like a lady and the harsh truth is…she wears the trousers in your relationship!"

"No she doesn't!" argued Lister, thoroughly smegged off with this conversation "we've got a new age relationship, we're both equal, none of this 'taking control' smeg!"

"If you're so 'equal' answer me this…. why d'you do everything Toni tells you to?"

"Because…because…well, she'd get angry and upset otherwise!"

"Fair enough…but if you're 'equal', no 'battle of sexes' going on…why does she hardly every do anything _you_ tell her to?" asked Rimmer, a slight smile on his face

"I don't have to answer that," said Lister, glaring at the hologram angrily

"Just answer me-"

Lister rolled his eyes, "because…. she's…. she's free spirited, likes doing her own thing, doesn't like being told what to do!"

Too late, Lister realised he'd walked right into Rimmer's trap.

"Exactly!" exclaimed Rimmer, snapping his fingers "people like her don't follow orders, they _give_ them and you" he sing-songed "me laddo, are well and truly under the thumb and you sure as hell aren't going to come out from under it!"

It was then that Lister snapped. He said the one thing that he knew would really wind Rimmer up, annoy him to no end.

"At least I've got a girlfriend…. who've you got, hey? No-one!"

Not even a millisecond after the words had leapt out of his mouth, did Lister regret saying them. He'd not only over stepped the line, but tore it into tiny pieces, set fire to the aforementioned pieces and flushed the ashes down the toilet waving them off with the two fingered salute.

It was as if someone had flicked a switch. Rimmer's face went slack and failed miserably to show any kind of distinguishable expression or emotion. He just looked blank, like the lights were on but no one was home.

Guilt crept through Lister like a dark shadow sneaking down an alley. It flashed him a grin, as if pleased by the hurtful, total insensitive comment. "I'm sorry" mumbled Lister, squirming under Rimmer's vacant gaze, "I shouldn't have said that…I…. I wasn't thinkin'"

Finally coming to his senses, Rimmer's face hardened into it's usual cold expression, that screamed 'I can cope with anything this life can throw at me' but in actual fact covered a lifetime of pain, anguish and loneliness.

Rimmer barged past Lister, taking due care to shoot him a venomous look as he made his way towards the derelict.

"Rimmer, where you goin'?" Lister yelled after him "I thought we were takin' Toni with us…"

"Why bother!" the hologram shouted back, not even breaking his stride "after all _Lister_, as you so helpfully pointed out 'I've got no-one' so I won't be missed if I die some horridly tragic death and I won't have to worry about causing anyone grief because no-one will miss me!"

Lister watched as Rimmer drew closer and closer to the derelict. The guilt still hadn't gone away yet and he had a feeling this wasn't going to be one of those arguments that was quickly forgotten.

What he'd said would no doubt remain in Rimmer's memory for a long, long time and would most likely be dragged up again in arguments yet to come.

The only option was to apologise. Not easy.

"Rimmer!" yelled Lister, racing after him "wait up!"

* * *

I don't own the song 'Like a virgin'….I couldn't put this disclaimer at the top cos it might have given the joke away…bye again. 


	3. An encounter of the painful kind

**A/N:** Jeez…3 chapters in, no sign a plot…I've taken 'rambling on' to whole new heights. I promise that once the plot ball starts rolling, it will be: a lot more exciting, a lot funny, a lot more readable most probably. I'm sort of creating a little sub-plot at the moment, so bare with me.

This chapter has been a bugger to write (shakes fist at chapter)…. my writers block seemed to be making itself at home and everyone who could help wasn't online. But I struggled on.

Also, I'm just quickly gonna sum up in this chapter how Toni met Lister for those who haven't read 'Deadlier than the male', just some background info you don't really need to know but I like to put it in anyway. If you haven't read 'Deadlier than the male', I don't mind but it might help a bit if you did...plus you'd make me happy!

**Boogle:** Glad you liked the 'Like a virgin' bit, right at the last minute I go anxious that no one would find it funny. You'll find out what the life form is in this chapter…I'll let you decide if it's evil or not.

**Laura:** Tally ho indeed! Thanks dearie!

**Zombie Kitty:** (waves own Cat tribute banner) how'd the web cam go? Curse technology, it's so much smarter than us!

**Smegginitlarge: **Glad you liked the chapter…sorry for making Rimmer sad…but meh…my story, he's my play thing (not in that way) so what I say goes….(evil laugh)

Thanks guys!

**Sunny  
XXXX**

And now, just for Laura…. something bad happening to Lister.

* * *

Rimmer looked mad…but he didn't feel mad. He didn't really know what he felt for sure. Betrayed? Definitely. Jealous? Most likely. Annoyed? Only natural. Hurt? You betcha!

Lister knew full well that Rimmer despised the fact no one loved him (or liked him for that matter) yet he still went the extra mile to drag the subject up.

As the airlock door finally accepted the fact that it was going to be opened so it was best to do it with a minimal amount of fuss, Rimmer allowed himself a dejected sigh.

Perhaps he was being too hard on Lister, after all he'd merely pointed out the truth, much like Rimmer had done with the whole 'Toni out machoing Lister' thing.

Truth was, Lister and Rimmer were guilty of the same crime: being insensitive smegheads.

The best thing for them to do was to 'kiss and make up'…except they wouldn't kiss…. or make up come to that, they'd just agree not to bring up thisarugument for an undisclosed amount of time.

Rimmer's train of thought was broken rather rudely by Lister stumbling in through the air lock. In theory, Rimmer could have set things right there and then, he could apologise for his behaviour and suggest that he and Lister try harder to get on in the future…well…that was the theory.

"You took you're time you drivelling, disgustingly revolting, semi literate, unwashed, brainless waste of space with a bad haircut" he sneered.

Sod being civil, being nasty was a hell of a lot of fun!

Lister rolled his eyes. Typical Rimmer, his idea of ending an argument was to have the last insult. And what did he mean by 'unwashed', he'd had a shower only last week. Lister frowned "I _was_ going to apologise but I don't think I'll bother!"

"Good, because your apologies are like a female Big Brother contestant that won't get her tits out – useless. You just couldn't restrain yourself from rubbing my nose in it could you? You've just got to remind me that you've got a girlfriend and I've got no-one!"

Lister opened his mouth, not to argue but to explain, apologise even but Rimmer held up a hand "don't" he said, staring at the younger man with cold, dead eyes "Just…leave me alone" and with that he turned around and walked off down the corridor

"Rimmer, don't be stupid come back!"

The hologram stopped in his tracks "I'm being stupid now am I?" he yelled back

"Well yeah" said Lister "walking off alone in a derelict with a life sign, we don't know what it is yet…. it could be anything…a simulant, rouge droids, an army of hormone crazed boy band groupies…"

"Well I'd rather take my chances with whatever the hell that life sign is then spend another second in your company" snapped Rimmer, marching off once more down the darkened corridor.

Lister waited a few seconds, to see if he was bluffing. It soon became evident that he wasn't, he really meant it. "Rimmer, if you get into trouble I'm not helpin' you out!" he shouted, but still the hologram didn't stop. "I mean it, man. This time you are on your own!"

"That's fine by me!"

"Then it's fine by me!" Lister yelled back, walking the other way but still watching Rimmer, who replied "Good!" his voice echoing off the corridor walls

"Good!"

"Fine!" hollered Rimmer, holding his head high

"_Fine_!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

This time Rimmer snapped, this wasn't technically an argument; they were 2 grown men shouting 'fine' at each other down a corridor. Hardly mature, not even by a university student's standards.

"SHUT UP!"

"Arsehole" Lister muttered, thinking Rimmer couldn't hear him.

"I heard that!" yelled the hologram stepping through another airlock but not before glaring at Lister.

"Good! You were meant to" he shouted back "can you hear this?" he waved two fingers at Rimmer, grinning.

"Of course not you dim-witted smeg…you can't hear hand gestures!"

Lister froze before pulling a face "Smeg off, Rimmer!"

"I intend to!" came the reply as Rimmer walked further into the derelict, disappearing into the shadows.

Lister glared angrily at the spot where the hologram had been and eventually gave up, what was the point of looking threatening if Rimmer wasn't around to see it.

So he marched off in the other direction, grumbling to himself. It was only once his anger had worn off a bit did the full extent of the situation hit him.

He was alone in a derelict with a yet unknown life sign. What if it was a simulant? Or something even stronger and more psychotic?

Suddenly the hefty mining laser that he held in his hands felt laughably ineffective. He might as well have been carrying an empty water pistol.

Lister stopped, what should he do?

Find Rimmer?

Get the hell outta there, save his own skin?

Go looking for the life sign?

Out of the three choices, he doubted he'd do the latter: not even Lister was _that_ stupid.

In the end, he decided to carry on the way he was going, if he found Rimmer he'd consider it a bonus (a bonus he didn't actually want, but he if went back the 'Bug without Rimmer, Kryten would no doubt find it morally unsound to have just left him wandering the derelict, even if he'd walked off on his own accord).

Plus, the corridor was starting to give Lister the creeps. It was gloomy, dusty and even the tiniest of sounds echoed off it's cold walls.

Lister shivered as he was gripped with a strange sense of déjà vu. This corridor was very much like the one he'd met Toni on whilst exploring another supposedly 'empty' derelict. It turned out the derelict wasn't empty but was in fact inhabited by war G.E.L.F's.

Toni had chased Lister down a corridor (not the nicest first meeting imaginable) and to cut a long story short, the pair fell in love and Toni joined the Red Dwarf crew.

The hairs on the back of Lister's neck prickled as he swore he heard someone (or something) shuffling in the shadows.

He froze, waiting to hear the sound again, but only the silence could be heard.

The déjà vu was stronger than ever now.

"Rimmer?" he whispered into the darkness.

Nothing.

He swallowed nervously before setting off again, trying not to make too much noise in case the sound could be heard again.

His ears pricked up; yes…there it was again.

"Rimmer, stop playin' games, man" he said, turning round to check no one was behind him.

Lister prayed to God it was Rimmer, if not…well, he didn't really want to think about that.

The silence seemed to roar in his ears, out of the corner of his eye he spotted something move, it slinked through the shadows before racing off down the corridor, the sound of it's pounding footsteps filled the air as whatever it was ran.

Lister chased it, half-stumbling, and half running down the darkened corridor. He turned a corner and barely had time to blink before 'it' kicked him right between the eyes.

Pain spread across his face like wild fire, his nose somehow managed to sting and ache at the same time, he shook his head and blinked in a vain attempt to regain his vision.

He wished he hadn't bother as the second he could see clearly again, he saw a fist hurtling towards him at a sickening speed. He just barely had time to think 'I bet this is gonna hurt' before it hit him.

It did hurt, a lot. He was treated to another whopping helpful of pain, all thanks to whatever he was chasing.

Lister held his arms up to try and fend off his attacker; his senses were too muddled with pain to fight.

He cried out as his arms were grabbed in a tight grip, he was spun round, forced against the wall and both arms were folded neatly behind his back before being yanked up towards his neck.

Although chest and lungs burned and his arms ached Lister didn't seem to notice. He was being catapulted back to his teenage years, nostalgia momentarily blocking out the pain.

Memories flashed in front of Lister's eye…in the park, at school, around town…. someone he once knew used to do this to him.

There was only one person in the world it could be….

It couldn't be…could it?

Lister decided to find out "Charlie?"

In one swift movement, his arms were released and he was turned round, he found himself staring into the face of someone he hadn't seen since he was sixteen years old.

"Dave?"


	4. Revealing all

**A/N:** I GOT MY GCSE RESULTS.. WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO! I PASSED ALL TEN! 3 A's, 6 B's and 1 C (maths, go figure…or not in my case)…I'm so happy! Yay! Strangely though, all I could talk about when I got my results was Lloyd and…_Kelly_!

Okay I need to say a big thanks to Sian, for firstly giving me a bottle of her inspiration (I'm sure it was spiked but thanks all the same) and for secondly being so helpful and reminding me who I was writing about…Lister…thanks and also for enriching (cough, ruining) my life with songs! A big thanks to Stephanie, for putting up with my stimulating conversation (lol…literally, that is all I say) Big thanks to Alex, for always giving me lovely comments and being a genuinely brilliant and cool person. Liz (who fell asleep on my couch after an 11 hour flight and getting her GCSE results, she did brill) thanks so much, for putting up with me, helping me and for being a top mate! A big thanks to Laura, for firstly asking where her thanks was, but for also laughing at my crappy jokes! God bless you girl!

Oh sod it, THANK YOU ALL!

Reviewers! God how I love you!

**Boogle:** You will soon find out who Charlie is and you will no longer need to wonder…whoa I'm weird…sorry. Thanks!

**Reddwarfaddict:** Have you decided if you're Rimmer or Lister in the arguments with your brother? I'm probably more Lister, cos for some unfathomable reason I acquire a scouse accent (or Irish sometimes) when I get angry...seriously.

**Zombie Kitty: **I'm still annoyed about Corrie…Lloyd is waaaaaaaaaaay too good for Kelly…If this Charlie looks like the Charlie from Busted, I'd be worried…

**Mrs Rimmer…aka Sian:** you're reviews keep getting better and better! LMAO! Cheers girl.

Okay, hands up who's happy with Lloyds storyline…cos I'm certainly not!

And updates may not be as frequent as I'm working for my mother for the next two weeks in her office and after that I start college, but rest assured I'll try my hardest to update as regularly as I can.

And once again, the A/N has grown out of my control…

**Sunny  
XXXX**

* * *

For what seemed like an age, the pair stood and stared at each other as years of memories came flooding back. 

Lister couldn't believe it. What were the odds of meeting an old friend 3 million years in deep space? Virtually non-existent, smaller than a Blue Peter presenters I.Q.

Charlie looked as shocked as he did, "is it really you?"

Lister smirked "yeah, last time I checked!", he allowed his eyes to wander up and down, taking in her body, noting what had changed since he'd last seen her. His eyes finally came to rest on her breasts, his eyebrows rocketed upwards "where'd they come from?" he asked, gesturing to her cleavage.

When she was 16, it was fairly safe to say that Charlie was very flat chested yet here she was now with a shelf that FHM would tear their eyes out for.

Charlie grinned, "Well, there's this thing called _puberty_-"

"Very funny" interrupted Lister, a small pause occurred

"Wow…." laughed Charlie, breaking the silence "this is weird,"

Lister nodded, and not knowing to do or say afterwards, carried on nodding. He was still rather shocked and he wasn't really his most responsive whilst shocked.

It was the breasts that had done it, up until seeing them he'd only been slightly shocked as over the years he'd sort of got used to weird things happening to him…but Charlie…with _breasts_! That's got to be the weirdest…and he was finding it very hard to understand.

"You can stop staring at them," said Charlie, bringing him back to reality with a bump "they aren't going anywhere…."

"Sorry" he mumbled, just managing to tear his eyes away "are they real?" he asked, before hastily adding "just out of curiosity mind ya'know…"

Charlie's mouth twitched into a reluctant smile whilst the rest of her fact tried in vain to keep looking angry "If I weren't so happy to see I'd give you such a slapping…"

"Hey" said Lister, backing away holding his hands up, not really in the mood to be on the receiving end of one of Charlie's attacks again "I'm only asking…cos…well, you didn't have them when you were 16!"

She laughed, "I did…but they were very, very well hidden!"

"Now _why_ would you want to hide these beauties away?" he asked

Charlie smiled "because" she replied sweetly "there were lots of boys like you around who only wanted a girl for her body. Call me crazy, Lister but I was looking for a bit more in a relationship…"

"You're crazy!"

She laughed before pulling him into a hug "God, I've missed you" she laughed,

"Awww really? You missed me?"

"Yes" she said, "and I bet you missed me too!"

Lister frowned in thought "now that you mention it…no, I didn't!"

"Git" exclaimed Charlie, punching him on the arm but grinning nonetheless.

"About these breasts-" said Lister,

Charlie rolled her eyes "and there I was thinking the conversation had moved on…."

"No chance" he smirked "seriously now…I think I should give you my professional opinion on them, so-" he began trying to undo Charlie's shirt, "give us a look-"

"Don't you dare!" she yelled, trying to jump away but he grabbed hold of her arms preventing escape.

Luckily (or unluckily whichever way you look at it) Rimmer was just round the corner and he was ashamed to admit he got a teensy bit worried when he thought he heard screams echoing down the corridor.

It would just look too convenient if Lister died on a derelict and the only person with him was Rimmer…

The hologram broke into a run stopping briefly to decide where the sound was coming from; he turned right and performed a kung fu high kick worthy of Jackie Chan complete with high pitched "hhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" and flailing arms.

This would have been a rather dramatic, quite intimidating and very heroic looking entrance but he tripped at the very last second and crashed into Lister and Charlie, knocking them both to the floor before tumbling on top of them.

For a few seconds the three of them lay groaning in a messy heap of arms, legs and torsos on the floor.

Rimmer couldn't figure out what was wrong…his eyes were open so why was it so dark? He gave a small moan and pushed himself a little of the floor.

He suddenly realised what was wrong…the cause of it suddenly being so dark was staring him right in the face.

During the fall, Charlie's shirt had been ripped open and Rimmer had landed, quite by accident by with amazing precision, directly on her breasts.

His apologies got stuck in his throat and for a second or two all he could was panic silently as every drop of hologramatic blood in Rimmer's body rushed to fill his face.

"I'm soooooooo sorry" he gabbled, like his voice box was stuck in fast forward, scrambling backwards to get as far away from the breasts as possible but falling on top of Lister in the process "I didn't do it on purpose…"

The owner of the breasts sat up and began laughing "didn't do what on purpose?"

For the second time in as many minutes Rimmer was speechless but this time it was in the good way. He was vaguely aware that his mouth was hung open and chances were he was probably drooling but it didn't matter, he'd worry about that later.

What mattered was the woman in front of him. Rimmer had never believed in love at first sight, he'd scoffed at the idea, claiming it was just one of those things producers put in movies to make the plot move quicker.

You can't fall in love with someone just by looking at them. How can you how many fatal flaws a person has til you get to know them. People were willing to throw away their lives/career/money/sanity for someone they just met? It was insane!

Although, suddenly love at first sight didn't seem so stupid anymore….in fact, it seemed quite plausible.

She was almost the young version of the Mum everyone wished they had growing up. The one who was cuddly, baked cookies and stuck up for the small and weak.

The only thing distracting from this image was her small square rimmed glasses that gave her a bookish look when teamed with her hazel eyes and tumbling brown curls.

In fact she was exactly the type of girl that most men would want to end up marrying after meaningless relationship after another with unintelligent, boney, plastic clones of girls.

But Rimmer hadn't had a lot of meaningless relationship with unintelligent, boney, plastic clones of girls…none to be exact…

"Didn't do what on purpose?" she repeated, as he seemed to have drifted off,

"Touch your breasts," he said, still with inhuman speed. "I…I wouldn't dream of it…don't get me wrong they're lovely…. very lovely…very comfortable" Charlie raised an eyebrow but said nothing "I mean" continued Rimmer, as a fresh wave of embarrassment surged through his body "I'd be happy if I was actually allowed to…erm…. oh…'use' them…"

'Oh God' piped up a tiny voice from inside his head 'You're droning on, she's going to think you're a total head case…and she wouldn't be too far from the truth'

No matter how hard Rimmer tried to stop gabbling, he couldn't. The words tumbled from his mouth as easily as rocks rolled down a steep hill. He was cringing inwardly but his stupid mouth and his stupid brain still worked together to succeed in making him look completely and utterly stupid.

"I'm sorry" he said at last "I'm really really really really really really really sorry!"

"It's okay" she said, "It's fine" and then she smiled, and Rimmer felt like he was flying.

In the early days, he'd never understood why Lister had got so hung up on Kristine Kochanski's smile…it couldn't have been _that _good.

Lister of course, had tried to explain that when someone you like smiles at you, smiles at you with a genuine smile, it makes your day. You feel on top of the world and believe you can achieve anything.

Rimmer, of course, didn't believe it, but suddenly he realised Lister had been right all along.

As she smiled at him, his skin tingled, his heart (hologramatic though it was) began to flutter with excitement and nerves, he felt an indescribable sense of calmness envelope him that was quickly replaced by the need to run around, waving his arms and singing at the top of his voice.

He smiled back, hoping he didn't look too desperate/manic/stalker-ish.

It was only when Lister spoke did Rimmer remember he was there, "this is Charlie" he grinned "and I believe you've already met her breasts…"

Rimmer would have come back with an incredibly witty, well thought out come back that would put Lister in his place…but he was too busy blushing.

* * *

Okay, before anyone writes in their review (if you review that is) about Lister being unfaithful to Toni, I'd like to stress that Charlie and Lister's relationship is based on the one me and Liz share with Ryan. 

He'sknown us so long the words 'personal space' have no meaning, he openly feels Lizzy's breasts/ass/any other reachable body part with no shame and stunned a small group of scallies/chavs by showing them he could do it without having a restraining order put on him (although Liz is wondering if she should press charges, on Ryan not the scallies/chavs...but I could see the plus side of pressing charges on them).

You could practically smell the jealousy from them; it was obvious they were thinking 'he got to touch her boobs without taking her to McDonalds first…'

So to clarify (ooh posh word) Lister knows Charlie so well, she doesn't mind him joking around like what went on in this chapter and he has no reservations about invading her personal space ect.


	5. Explanations

**A/N:** I hate my friggin' writers block…I've been begging…no pleading with my stupid brain to come up with something half decent for me to write…did it listen? Did it smeg! I've been annoying everyone around me: Liz, Sian, Laura, Alex…my sister, why did I ask my sister for help…why? Was I really that desperate?

Back to this friggin' writers block, I kept bugging people, asking them why I couldn't write anything, why was everyone else having sudden bursts of creativity and I wasn't and oddly enough…why it's really gross to throw up blood (Laura knows what I'm talking about, and Sian if she remembers me telling her ages ago).

Also, I've been working at my mum's works this past 2 weeks, and I was horrified to discover I put on a posh, soft, sultry voice whilst answering the telephone. I sound like I should work for a sex chat line (puts on posh, soft, sultry voice) "Hello, this is the 'hot and horny' chat line, my name is Becky…how may I pleasure you?" I guess it's always a career to fall back on, make a little extra money whilst in uni!

**Smegginitlarge**: Glad you thought that bit was class…p.s we've got to find out who keeps randomly typing 'Mike Teavee!'…Cheers for all your help!

**Boogle: **wait…am I getting the impression that you 'love it'…only you said it 3 times…thanks for your help and comments!

**Reddwarfaddict:** Boys don't just think about breasts…sometimes ass's…or football…oh well…thank you!

**Zombie Kitty: **Rimsy gets more flustered in this upcoming chapter…oh well; it's fun to watch (well, read technically).

**Cazflibs: **I'm still insanely jealous about you going to America, how was it? I don't think Charlie's breasts are a plot twist…. just something to write an entire chapter about…which is rather worrying…

Big thank you to reviews and readers, thanks to those who've helped me and an extra big thanks to all those who put up with me…which is all of you…sorry!

**Sunny **

**XXXX**

* * *

Rimmer still hadn't stopped blushing some 10 minutes later. His face glowed so much you could have heated up a swimming pool with it and still had enough warmth to fry a couple of eggs on his cheeks. 

He'd never been so embarrassed in his whole life, or death come to that.

Charlie had taken them back to her quarters, Rimmer was about to say something about them not even having a first date yet but he decided against it having humiliated himself enough today without throwing corny jokes into the equation.

Lister had quickly explained how he knew Charlie (full name, Charlotte) from school but he was a little preoccupied in trying to stop his nose from bleeding, which it insisted on doing anyway as it felt a little ignored in all the commotion.

Upon arriving at her quarters, Charlie headed off again to get the first aid kit for Lister. Not that he and Rimmer had paid any attention to what she'd said…they were too buys gawping at her quarters.

It seemed to be a regulation that quarters on board space crafts had to be cold, clinical, uninviting and hideously decorated with all the warmth and charm of a irritated, hungover, evil little cockroach that had been frozen in an ice cube and dropped into someone's drink

Even the top officers quarters on Red Dwarf were tacky and contained more plastic than a half price sale at Ikea!

Charlie's quarters were different though, it looked homely, comfortable. A cross between a student's bedroom (complete with piles of books, clothes, CDs) and a packed souvenir shop.

Every inch of the light cream walls had been covered up by some interesting item or trinket. Flags, posters, T-shirts, photos, magazines, banners…it was all too much to take in at once.

"Whoa" was all Rimmer could say, and Lister couldn't even manage that. Instead he stood rooted to the spot, mouth wide open, oblivious to the trickle of blood that was slowly snaking it's way down from his nose.

Charlie came back a few minutes later,

"where'd you get all this stuff?" asked Lister, still not noticing the blood, which was quickly turning into a torrent.

"Travelling" said Charlie simply, rifling through the first aid kit till she found what she was looking for.

She forced Lister into a chair and began cleaning him up, smirking slightly at how he took it like most men would: whining and whingeing.

"Ow!" he moaned, as Charlie attempted to wipe away the blood.

"Just like the old days" she smiled, "me cleaning you up after a fight…"

"Firstly" said Lister, pulling away from her grasp long enough to speak "that was not a fight – that was a particularly brutal, totally unprovoked attack on an innocent bystander…"

"You haven't been innocent since you were 12, Dave. You know that."

Lister chose to ignore that comment "and secondly, you didn't clean me up after a fight _that_ often…it was always the other guy who needed medical attention" he stopped to whimper as Charlie accidentally knocked a part of his nose that somehow managed to hurt more than the rest of it. "I've never lost a fight in my life" he said eventually.

Rimmer contemplated mentioning Lister's fight with the G.E.L.F Geoffrey( a guy who made the incredibly Hulk look like he needs to work out more) because he wasn't sure if being beaten to within an inch of your life and then being beaten some more just for good measure and a little mini beating right at the end counted as winning.

Lister must have conveniently forgotten about several situations where he'd lost a fight, as Charlie laughed, "Lister, it counts as loosing if you end up in A and E…"

He blushed slightly and shuffled about in his seat "that only happened a few times…" he muttered.

"You never were good at maths were you?" said Charlie, flicking her fringe out of her hazel eyes.

Rimmer desperately wanted to say something, anything at all. Just so he wouldn't like some strange breast-hugging maniac who couldn't string two words together without one of them being 'sorry'.

"I wasn't very good at maths either…"

Charlie and Lister turned to look at him, and he immediately wished he'd kept his mouth shut. Now he looked like a _boring _strange breast-hugging maniac who couldn't string two words together without one of them being 'sorry' with issues about being left out of a conversation.

"Sorry" he said, wincing inwardly as he guessed that was probably the thousandth he'd apologised since he'd met her. "I…erm, that was just really random wasn't…sorry…I'll um, shut up now…" he felt his cheeks go hot again and quickly looked away.

Lister shook his head "He never does that for me" he said pointing at Rimmer "whenever I want him to shut up he does the complete opposite…keeps talkin'!"

"There" said Charlie "all cleaned up…you're lucky, normally I break noses when I high kick someone…"

Lister tentatively touched his nose and winced "I don't feel very lucky…it hurts!"

Charlie merely smirked "you're such a baby…" she sighed "I'll go get you an aspirin and some coffees" and walked out of the room, giving Rimmer a friendly smile on her way out that sent his heart racing round his ribcage singing 'Oh happy day' and tap-dancing.

"Why is that whenever I meet women, they always want to hurt me" asked Lister, jerking Rimmer from his reverie "Toni did it and now Charlie…I hope we don't meet anymore, I don't think my body can take much more pain…"

Suddenly, something clicked into place. He felt incredibly stupid.

It was so blatantly obvious, why hadn't he not noticed it sooner.

Lister and Charlie had dated…they'd been boyfriend and girlfriend…and knowing Lister, they'd probably had sex.

Rimmer's heart stopped its merry gig and gave a huge sob, dropped to its little knees and threw a mini tantrum.

It all made sense.

She'd tended to his 'war' wounds like any good girlfriend, she knew about his sexual history, although that probably didn't count as most people knew Lister's sexual history, it was practically common knowledge.

"So…" said Rimmer, wanting to find out for definite "you and Charlie dated then I assume…"

"What?" laughed Lister

"You and Charlie, is she and ex or something?" said Rimmer, slightly embarrassed at how hysterical he was beginning to sound, but thankfully Lister hadn't noticed: he was too busy laughing "are you laughing at how long it's taken me to work it out?" asked the hologram

"No" said Lister "I'm laughin' at the fact you think me and her were ever a couple…"

It took a good few seconds for Rimmer's brain to make sense of that statement (it'd been consoling his heart) "you…didn't…date…her?" he asked slowly

Lister shook his head and Rimmer's jaw dropped "You were in the company of a woman for…how long were you in her company?"

"4 years."

"4 _years!_" repeated Rimmer, gob smacked "you hung around with a woman for 4 years and you didn't try to date her, not even once!"

Lister shook his head again, and everything that had ever made sense to Rimmer suddenly didn't.

"We were just friends" said Lister,

Rimmer opened his mouth to speak but he was interrupted "and I know what you're going to say…boys and girls cannot be friends…"

"well they can't" said Rimmer "there's just too many differences: both physical and emotional…it's a proven fact, men and women can't be friends!"

"you've never seen 'Will and Grace' then, have you" smirked Lister.

Rimmer sighed, "We're getting side tracked here-"

"Side tracked from what?"

The hologram ignored him "I just find it very hard to believe that you knew Charlie, who lets face is _incredibly_ attractive, for four years and you didn't try to date her…"

"she didn't always look like that…" said Lister "I was shocked when I saw her, she's changed so much," he frowned in thought

"why?" asked Rimmer "What did she used to look like?"

"Like a boy" replied Lister almost immediately

The hologram spluttered angrily "_Lister_! That's very insulting"

"But it's also true" said Charlie, returning with the coffees just in time to hear what was being said. She took a framed photograph off a shelf and stood next to Rimmer.

"Try and find me on this picture" she smiled,

Lister came over to have a look too "hey" he laughed "that's me" pointing himself out.

"Oh yeah" said Rimmer, pretending he hadn't noticed "I recognise the gormless expression…"

Lister merely frowned and slouched off to take a closer look at all of Charlie's stuff she'd got whilst travelling, leaving Rimmer to search for her in the photograph.

At first Rimmer had thought there must have been some mistake, Charlie had given him a picture of a group of teenage lads, there were about 11 or 12 of them. He couldn't spot her anywhere.

"Here" she chuckled, pointing to a figure near teenage Lister's left "that's me."

At first glance, you would have thought this person was a boy but when Rimmer looked at it a second time, he suddenly saw it was Charlie.

Lister was right…she had changed.

16-year-old Charlie had short hair, Toni's hair was short but was still feminine, Charlie's was just…boyish.

She was half smiling at the camera, dressed in jeans, a baggy t-shirt and trainers and looked amazingly at ease given she was the only girl in a large group of teenage boys. It was a far cry from the sophisticated, beautiful woman that Rimmer was stood next to at this precise moment.

"You look…." He struggled to find the right words, "…different" he eventually decided on.

Charlie laughed "I think the phrase you were searching for was 'you look boyish, butch, like a man, manly, masculine, totally unfeminine, mannish…. In short I've seen bearded ladies that look more like a girl than you do…'" she looked Rimmer deep in the eyes and smiled "I cringe when I think about how I used to be…I was more of boy than Dave back in my teens!"

"Is this PhD real?" asked Lister, pointing to the framed certificate on the wall.

Charlie nodded,

"Seriously…you've got a PhD?"

"Yes"

"Whoa" said Lister, in complete awe "that's impressive!"

"He can't even spell PhD" smirked Rimmer. He blushed profusely as Charlie laughed, and quickly looked away so she wouldn't notice.

"I didn't really know what I wanted to do til I got to university, and I decided to do physics and maths."

Lister gave a shocked laugh "you went Uni?"

"Of course she went university" snapped Rimmer "where the smeg d'you think she got the bloody PhD from? Ebay?"

"Well you can get anything off there…one time I saw an advert for the worlds most amazing wash cloth…"

"You would have like Uni" said Charlie, interrupting Lister part way through his description of 'the worlds most amazing wash cloth' "I spent 3 years of my life drunk and living off 'super noodles'…"

"What about lectures?" said Lister, recalling his brief yet memorable 97 minutes at art college and his horror at finding he had lectures as early as half past twelve in the afternoon.

It was inhumane.

"They were interesting…" said Charlie. She stopped as she saw how unconvinced Lister looked "It wasn't like school, Dave…you were treated like a grown up, you were respected. I really enjoyed going to university, I became my own person, got a good job. That's the reason why I'm out here"

"You're in deep space because of your job?" said Rimmer

"Yeah, me and 12 others were chosen to explore deep space. We were put in suspended animation for a couple of centuries then we were to perform experienments, make notes…usual sciencey type things…"

"So where are the others?" asked Lister. There'd only been 1 life sign on board the craft.

Charlie looked upset "I was ill, and they put me in semi-stasis til I recovered. It should only have taken a few days, but the craft was kit by an asteroid and crashed onto this planetoid. The computer switched the stasis booth from semi stasis to complete stasis so I'd be safe, but it later malfunctioned and kept me there…" she trailed off "2 years ago, the planet had several bad earthquakes, knocking out both the power and the computer. I emerged from stasis to find out I was completely alone, 3 million years in deep space and that I'd ran out of eyeliner…"

Lister began laughing, "you really have changed haven't you?"

"You've hardly changed" said Charlie "you've put on weight but that's about it…"

Lister looked offended "it's muscle," he muttered, self consciously breathing in.

"So" said Charlie "Dave, you were the last person I'd expect to find 3 million years in deep space…in fact…I didn't think I'd find _anyone_ 3 million years in deep space given that it's…y'know, deep space. Why are you here?"

Lister smiled "it's a long story!"

"Well I'm free this evening, tell it"

So he took a deep breath and began to tell Charlie everything: "It all started on my birthday-"


	6. Strange days

**A/N:** Hey guys. I started college this week…cute guy in my form! He's called Craig (I see a pattern emerging) and is really nice and said 'hi I'm Craig' to me…ugh listen to me, how old am I? (answers self) 16…act like it then!

Righty oh! Erm…5 chapters have gone by still no sign of a plot, not even a snifter of one…there have only been mentions of Cat and Kryten and Toni's had a rather short conversation with Rimmer and Lister…I swear the others will be in it…hopefully this chapter…

'Thank yous' to: Sian (for being a beta in disguise and for her incredibly helpful reviews, she knows the ones I mean), Alex (for keeping me sane with emails, Bernard the pigeon says 'hi'), Steph (for putting me to shame with all her brilliant ideas), Laura (for having strange conversations with me and also for hurting Lister and Rimmer a lot), Cazflibs (for always having a nice thing to say about my ramblings), Liz (for being a great mate…and I do not look like David Bowie!)

Thank you all!

Enjoy the chapter! Be warned…it's longer than a chavs list of fashion disasters (by our standards, not theirs) so I expect long reviews!

**Sunny**

**XXX**

* * *

When he'd finished, Charlie looked shocked.

The word 'shocked' being the understatement. She also looked confused, slightly disorientated and in dire need of something strong to drink.

Lister had told her everything: the drunken stumble through London on the 'ultimate pub crawl'. Waking up in the burger bar on Mimas (he left out details of what he was wearing at the time, not wanting him to look like some brainless, directionless rowdy drunk). The hopper. Joining Red Dwarf. Frankenstein. Stasis. The accident.

As the story of how he'd come to be 3 million years in deep space progressed Charlie's eyebrows got closer and closer to the bridge of her nose as she frowned, while simultaneously her mouth widened.

When he'd finished, there was an extremely long pause that was quickly followed by another, slightly smaller pause, and lots of little baby pauses after that.

"Wow" she managed to croak at long last "you win the 'who has the most exciting story to tell' competition…compared to you, my past is as dull and boring as a newspaper from a small village where 'exciting news' is the farmers wife wearing a new apron…"

Lister grinned, "It does sound pretty weird, I guess I've just got used to it"

Charlie nodded, still looking rather confused. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair before once again flicking her fringe out of her eyes.

For some unfathomable reason, Rimmer found this utterly captivating, he sat and tried very hard not to stare too hard but failed miserably (even by his standards).

Suddenly she turned to face him and Rimmer immediately opened his mouth ready to apologise,

"And Rimmer's a hologram…but he can touch things…"

"He's hard light," explained Lister, making the said hologram pout. He could have explained that himself, it wasn't like he was completely stupid...but given his previous conversations (if you could call them that) with Charlie, it was perhaps best if Lister did the talking for both of them, that way it wouldn't be _that _embarrassing or ridiculous.

"Hard light?" frowned Charlie

Lister nodded, as if in some way that was a reasonable explanation "We came across this guy called Legion, and he gave Rimmer a hard light drive, basically he could touch things…"

"Oh" said Charlie; there wasn't much else she could say.

Another pause occurred (perhaps it was national pause day, and everyone had forgotten), that was eventually broken by Rimmer "why don't you come join us?" he asked, surprising both himself and Lister with how direct it had sounded.

"Join you?" repeated Charlie,

"Yes" said Rimmer, suddenly incredibly nervous "you'd be a valuable asset to the team…you'd erm…your PhD would be, um, very useful…you'd be the only person on the ship with qualifications but-"

"Oi" interrupted Lister "what about me?"

Rimmer quickly slipped in to 'smeg head' mode (he rarely came out of it) "What d'you mean 'what about me'…you're disgusting, moronic, irritating, egotistical and a complete git…what more d'you want to know about yourself!"

Lister glared at him "I meant what about me and _my_ qualifications…"

The hologram blinked "Lister, you spent 97 minutes at art college…that's not long enough to find out where the toilets are let alone get some qualifications!"

"Oh yeah, and d'you need reminding about your 13…count that _13_! 1 and 3. That number between 12 and 14…13 failed astronavigation exams…I'm surprised that after the tenth time of taking the smeggin' exam they didn't just let you pass for continual dedication to making a fool of yourself!"

Rimmer went quiet; he should have seen that one coming. You couldn't talk about exams without his previous 'glories' being mentioned. What made the whole thing worse was the fact Charlie was there; she's surely laugh at him.

No woman with a PhD would like a guy who sometimes couldn't even write his own name on the exam paper because he was so nervous or claimed that he was fish before fainting in front of a senior officer after performing a rather stupid looking dance.

Women like Charlie didn't date people like Rimmer…in fact no-body dated Rimmer…not if they had any sense anyway.

"Amazingly…" said Lister "Rimmer's actually made some sense. Why don't you join us, you would be useful and I think Toni needs some female company…"

"Toni?"

"My girlfriend" explained Lister "we found her 2 years ago."

Charlie laughed "you _found_ a girlfriend…all the way out here!

"Course, you didn't think I'd let a little thing like being 3 millions years in deep space stop me getting laid do you?"

"You know when your species has problems when Listy is the last man alive…" said Rimmer "Hardly what you'd call saving the best til last!"

"Rimmer, have you ever considered a career as a mute?" asked Lister "If you could shut your trap long enough you'd be very good at it…you'd probably make some friends too!"

"Perhaps" said Rimmer, forcing a smile "but I think I'll keep talking…why should I stop doing something that annoys you so much!"

Lister gave the hologram another angry glare before turning back to Charlie "I'll understand if you wanna say no…given the choice of either being alone for the rest of eternity or being on the same ship as Rimmer…I'd choose being alone…I think anyone would."

Charlie mulled this over for a few seconds "You know what… I think I'll join you…"

* * *

It was a strange thing, hearing other people's voices.

Charlie had gotten so used to be alone that it had come as a shock when she was woken up by Lister and Rimmer having a conversation (an argument without much shouting).

She was a little ashamed to admit she was nervous. It was like joining a new school, everyone already knew each other and there would be personal jokes she wouldn't get, stories she'd have to be told, things explained to her.

Charlie lay in her new bunk and waited til everything had gone quiet. She recalled what had happened yesterday after she'd agreed to join Lister and the others.

She remembered the shocked faces of Cat and Kryten: clearly they hadn't expected Lister to bring the life sign home with him. She tired her best to look nice and normal but inside she wanted to run away.

Kryten seemed happy enough for her to join them…Cat seemed very very very happy.

He'd sidled up to Charlie and shook her hand "Hi" he said, flashing her his pearly whites "I'm the Cat…may I say that's an incredibly sexy shirt you've got on there"

Charlie had laughed nervously, not really seeing how a simple plain black shirt could possibly be considered sexy. "Thank you" she said

Cat's grin widened "but it'd look better on my floor!"

"Cat" snapped Lister "are you gonna let her unpack before you begin your shameless flirting?"

"Why waste time?" said the fashion fanatic feline "I say get in there a.s.a.p!" He flashed her another grin "What d'you say, babe? You and me have a quick nibble…and afterwards, we can eat!"

"I'm going to have to say no…for now" Charlie added hastily as she saw how distraught Cat looked "you're lovely…but I'm not really ready for a relationship at the moment…"

"Who said anything about a relationship?" laughed the Cat "all I want is some sex and I've got plenty to give you!"

"I'll pass thanks" she smiled, hoping he'd take a hint. Thankfully he did, and the Cat slinked off to 'make himself look even more gorgeous'.

"This is Toni," said Lister, wrapping an arm around his girlfriends waist

"Hi" said Charlie, giving her a small wave.

She was quite taken aback when Toni smiled and said 'hello ' back. It sounded sincere.

Most women would be indescribably bitchy if their boyfriend brought an 'old friend' home; yet Toni seemed genuinely friendly.

Charlie sighed. It had been a very confusing 24 hours. After lying in bed for a bit she decided to go and have a look round her new home.

She quickly dressed and walked down the corridor. She found Lister, Rimmer and Cat round the table eating breakfast.

"Hi" said Rimmer, who was the first one to spot her hovering by the doorway "did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah" she said, sitting down rather timidly

"Only okay" snorted the Cat "If you'd have slept with me it would have been _sensational_!"

Suddenly there came a loud shout from the next room "How dare you!" accompanied with several loud bangs…but no on seemed to notice apart from Charlie.

"W-what's that?" she asked nervously

"Just Toni arguing with the microwave again" said Lister, sounding not at all bothered.

Charlie remained quiet for a second for two before her curiosity got the better of her "does she often do that?"

"Oh yeah" said Lister "it's usually a daily thing…depends on what mood she's in"

Charlie gave an anxious whimper but managed to disguise it as a small cough, "I hope you don't mind me asking…but…is she alright…y'know in the head?"

"She's dating Lister" said Rimmer "What does that tell you?"

Lister ignored him "She's a G.E.L.F"

"A G.E.L.F?"

"A war G.E.L.F but she's got the ability to converse with anything that has an electrical signal…and she and microwave don't get on! A clash of personalities!"

As if on cue Toni's voice cut through the air "Take that back you dirty metal git!" There was a pause as presumably the microwave replied; it obviously wasn't what Toni wanted to hear as she began yelling and swearing again.

Lister looked up and saw how freaked out Charlie looked "don't worry" he reassured "you'll get used to it!"

There came more shouting along with the cry of "I do not! I demand that you apologise before I take out your fuse and pull off your buttons and remove your glass trivet!"

"I'd always like to know what's being said in return…" said Rimmer; looking at the door with his head to one side "You only gets bit of the argument…"

"I swear the other day, I heard Toni mention something about a tutu and a sumo wrestler…that sounds like a weird argument!"

Charlie said nothing, wondering if it was too late to say she wanted to go home.

There was a final bout of swearing coupled with a string of swear words that would make Ozzy Osbourne blush before Toni came storming out the kitchen area, her usually pale cheeks flushed with anger.

"Did you hear what he's just said to me!" she said to Lister, pointing back to the door

"No, love" he replied, "We can't hear what he says…"

She frowned for a second before remembering "sorry, I keep forgetting." She exhaled angrily, "Anyway, I'm not going to bother repeating it as it was sexist, incredibly stupid and quite amazingly dirty!"

Without warning she suddenly spun round to face the thermostat on the wall "and you can stay out of this as well!" before stomping off out of the room and down the corridor.

"How long did you say it'd take me to used to it?" asked Charlie weakly

Rimmer cleared his throat and put on his most reassuring voice "I wouldn't worry about it…aside from Toni talking to electrical equipment, it's fairly normal around here…"

"What are you talking about?" sniped the Cat "Only last week we got eaten by that mutated green space cow…the only reason we survived was because Starbug didn't agree with it…we were lucky…my outfit just didn't go with the colour of that cows stomach lining…it could have ended in tragedy!"

Rimmer grimaced inwardly: that sounded as far from normal as you could possibly get "yes…erm, well that was a very rare occasion when something…a bit strange happens."

"You call getting eaten by a mutated green space cow 'a bit strange'" frowned Lister

"Alright" snapped Rimmer "It was very strange and not many people can say that it's happened to them…but the point I'm trying to make is things aren't as weird or dangerous in deep space as people make out!"

Lister and Cat exchanged confused glances. Deep space was weird and dangerous. What was Rimmer going on about?

"So" said Lister "if deep space isn't weird or dangerous…why do we keep meeting things that would like to kill us?"

Rimmer quickly sneaked a look at Charlie, who was too busy looking at Lister with intrigue to notice.

"We don't meet _that_ many things that want to kill us…sometimes weeks, months even go by where we don't meet anything with homicidal tendencies!"

"When?" asked Lister, this was news to him.

"Oh, plenty of times…"

"When?" persisted Lister

"I think we must have been unconscious at the time, buddy" smirked the Cat

"Oh alright" snapped Rimmer "we constantly keep running into things that would love nothing better than to kill us all, but couldn't you see what I was doing?"

"Making a prat of yourself" guessed Lister

"No. I was trying to reassure Charlie, can you imagine how she must feel! She's probably nervous and there's you with your G.E.L.F girlfriend who argues with microwaves, Cat who tried to get into her pants within seconds of meeting her, Kryten who's head looks like the result of giving a teething toddler a piece of lego!" he paused to draw breath "Then to make matters worse you begin talking about all the things that want to kill us, which might be true but it can't make her feel very comfortable can it?"

"I'll be fine" said Charlie, touched at how caring and considerate Rimmer was "I'm a big girl" she joked

"In more ways than one" grinned the Cat, his eyes locked on her chest.

Before Charlie could give him a good telling off, Kryten hurried out of the cockpit, "sirs…and ma'am" he added hastily as he spotted Charlie "I think I've managed to find Red Dwarfs vapour trail again, look" he pressed a switch on the side of the scanner table making it light up.

"See" he explained pointing to a small group of moons at the left hand side of the table "here was where the vapour trail began to get weaker, meaning we couldn't trace it but the console has just picked it up again, here" he gestured further towards the centre of the table

Charlie bit her lip, she'd asked more questions than an over-opinionated philosophy student in a lecture and she didn't particularly want to ask any more. She had no idea what this Red Dwarf was, but she kept quiet.

Lister must have seen the look on her face "I think we owe you an explanation. We used to live on this old mining ship, the Red Dwarf, but due to" he suddenly looked uncomfortable "erm, unforeseen events that were out of our control…we kinda lost it!"

"Meaning Lister couldn't remember where he'd parked it!" smirked Rimmer, grateful for any excuse to annoy and embarrass Lister.

"Rimmer, this is space okay, not Sainsburys car park! We can't just wait for everyone else to drive off and say 'ah yeah, that's ours there: the big red, rust bucket'! It's not as simple as that!"

"Oh dear" said Kryten suddenly

"What?" everyone asked, noting the slightly tone of panic in the mechanoid's voice

"We don't appear to be here…"

"Well, I'm definitely here," said the Cat "how could I not be looking this fabulous!"

"No, sir" said Kryten, his eyes franticly scanning the table top "I mean Starbug, it doesn't appear to be on the scanner…"

Everyone began looking for the small green craft, after several minutes of searching Lister froze.

He picked up his coffee mug and staring back at him was a scaled down image of Starbug "sorry" he said sheepishly, "my fault!"

Rimmer sighed "We're probably the only people who's craft was obliterated from existence by a gigantic coffee mug!"

Cat nodded "You think it's never gonna happen to your space ship…but then it does!

Whoa…that was long!

**Review!**


	7. A little help

**A/N:** Something strange has happened to my parents…firstly they let me invite my friends over, then let them stay the night (one of my friends was a boy may I add, Ryan, I've already mentioned him), gave us money for pizza, said 'help yourself to alcohol just don't go mad' and treated me like a grown up…I'm scared…it's not normal…maybe it's a midlife crisis…a damned good one at that!

I think a huge thank you is in order for Zombie Kitty, for basically writing this chapter…she's been such a big help and is a fantastic writer, constantly coming up with ideas and putting me to shame!

**Sian: **You're reviews are getting far too complex! Please bare in mind I have an exceptionally tiny brain LOL. Thankies!

**Alex:** I finally managed to get Cat in it, and I think I gave him some okay lines! Thank you for your review dearie!

**Laura: **I'm probably going to write a bit more of 'Toni talking to electronic equipment, I've got some ideas…so…watch this space…or screen, whatever you want to call it! Thankies.

**Caz Flibs:** I'm honoured you think my fic is 'fantastic'. I intend to give both Charlie and Toni deeper characters and backgrounds, so I hope I don't disappoint.

**Steph: **Did the Cat's bits in the last chapter come up to scratch? I won't to do the guy justice! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your help! You are a star!

(ZK/Steph: Yep they did! So cute, so cute, so cute! And no problem I was glad to help… and now to finish the proof reading and send it back!)

**Anonymous Danny**: Thanks for your review mate; I'll probably talk to you soon!

* * *

"I can't believe you finally settled down and got a girl, Dave!" Charlie remarked as she ran a lock of her hair round her finger and leaned back in one of the cockpit chairs.

"Is it that unbelievable that I found someone who's right for me?" Lister retorted as he pulled Toni onto his knee and the two closed in for a game of tonsil tennis.

"No – it's unbelievable you found someone to put up with you!"

Charlie smiled at Lister's look of mock hurt and stood up and made to leave the cockpit.

"Oh don't pull that face with me, mister" She mock scolded in return and left, brushing past Rimmer in the process as he entered. Rimmer blushed at the close proximity and turned his face away as he sat down, though Charlie hadn't noticed anything.

Toni ran a hand through Lister's hair, not taking her eyes off him for a moment

"Hey Arnold." She greeted as Lister leaned in and whispered something softly in her ear, she giggled in response and hit him gently on the arm.

Rimmer sighed, he wondered about pulling a face and telling them to get a room or for someone to fetch him a sick bag, but he just seemed to have no will, he rubbed the H on his forehead and mumbled a greeting in response.

Lister turned slightly and looked at his crew mate "You ok, Rimmer?"

"Yes of course I'm ok! Why wouldn't I be?" Rimmer snapped, not wanting to get into this kind of conversation.

"Ok man no need to rip my head off - only trying to be friendly." Lister defended as Toni laid her head on his chest

"Well don't!" Rimmer retorted moodily. The cockpit became silent; not even Cat's breathing could be heard as he lay in his cockpit chair, his eyes closed, almost completely forgotten about by the other occupants of the room.

Toni was the one who eventually broke the silence as she lifted her head of Lister's chest and looked deep into his eyes

"I never believed I would ever meet anyone like you Dave."

"I didn't think I'd ever meet a girl who could talk to electrical appliances but I did!" Lister replied smiling, his own eyes searching Toni's, questioning what she was trying to say. He watched as her eyes lit up and her face smiled at his last comment.

"I just meant I'd never thought I'd feel like this about anyone - I've never had such strong feelings it's kinda scary..." She trailed off softly

"I know what you mean, when I met you I thought it must just be lust for being alone for so long - but it wasn't, I should have realised, it was stronger than lust - more meaningful, and our first "torture session" that's when I _really_ knew..." Lister too trailed off, his face beginning to heat up and blush.

"Knew what?" Toni probed, secretly knowing the answer and smiling because of it. The other occupants of the room were long since forgotten and all that mattered was Lister, and Toni was hanging on his every word as he continued.

"That everything I'd been feeling - the embarrassed but content feeling that washed over me every time I was in your presence, the way my stomach would lurch at the thought of you, the way I would close my eyes and your image would be there - it was all love. When we first came together it was different to anything I'd experienced before, it was like been 12 all over again..."

Toni hung her head on one side and watched as Lister struggled to find the words, she responded by leaning in and kissing him deeply, the couple lost in the love each felt for each other. Neither heard Rimmer cough as if he was choking on something or dash out of the room, they has only had eyes (and the other 4 senses) for each other.

Rimmer ran down to the cargo decks where no-one would hear him and leaned heavily against a box, he thought of Lister's confessions to Toni and compared them to his own feelings for Charlie.

It was like nothing he'd ever encountered before and he didn't have a clue how he should act - he didn't have Cat's confidence or Lister's belief, all he had was his less than positive characteristics and 2 swimming certificates, he kicked the box and winced at the pain that throbbed in his foot as a consequence.

He slumped onto the floor, wishing he could be more like Ace with women - minus the ego the size of Russia of course though. He was too busy lost in his thoughts that were circling his mind and confusing him that he didn't hear one of his crewmates approach him.

"You really are cowardly wimp - you know that bud?" Cat asked rhetorically as he jumped onto a nearby crate and looked at Rimmer in the dim light.

"What do you want? Haven't you got fish to eat or balls of wool to throw around?" Rimmer replied sarcastically, he didn't feel like coping with Cat's put downs at the best of times, but now he thought he might cry without much provocation, and that was something he definitely did not want to do in the feline's presence.

"First of all" sneered the Cat, smoothing out none existent creases from his stylish jacket "I would never ever be that stereotypical…I like to do my own thing and I get away with it because I'm so amazingly gorgeous whilst doing it!"

Rimmer pulled a face and rolled his eyes, he could have guessed Cat's vanity would have taken control of the 'conversation' before too long.

"Secondly, I just came to some random place on board, it was just unfortunate you were in that space already."

"Why don't you leave then?" snapped Rimmer.

"Why don't _you_ leave?" retorted the Cat.

"Because I got here first that's why" said Rimmer, inwardly wincing at how petty it sounded, but he wasn't really bothered. He had more important things to worry about.

"I'm not gonna sit here and argue with you-" said Cat.

"Good. Leave." said Rimmer darkly.

"I'm going to stand instead, I look better when drawn to my full height…it enhances my dazzlingly small waist!" in one swift, elegant movement he leapt down from the crate where he'd been sat, struck a supermodel pose and flashed a grin to an invisible camera.

Rimmer groaned and held his head in his hands. This was the last thing he needed.

A short silence occurred as Cat flaunted himself in front of the camera, turning this way and that so it got his good side (not that one side of him was better than the other, they were both fantastically stunning). "That Charlie's something isn't she?"

"What?" said Rimmer, being jerked from his thoughts by the mere mention of her name.

"Charlie" smiled the Cat "If I'm not careful, she's going to steal the title of 'Most gorgeous creature on board' from me…she's hot!"

"Is she?" said Rimmer, feigning absent mindedness before lying "I hadn't noticed…"

Cat frowned "what are you? Blind _as well as_ Ugly? She's amazing!"

The hologram simply shrugged, trying to ignore the way his heart was pounding as he thought of Charlie with her hazel eyes, long brown hair, captivating smile and grade A knockers.

"I think there's something wrong with her though" said Cat, as an afterthought.

"Wrong?" repeated Rimmer, "What could possibly be wrong with her, she's perfect: caring, beautiful, intelligent, witty, charismatic…not that I've noticed it much." he added hastily, he coughed nervously "you were saying…"

"Things were going well…I looked great, she looked…well she looked okay, but not as nice as me….and I personally would have chosen a top that flattered my shoulders more if I were her, but that's a different story-"

"One that I hope I will never be told" Sighed Rimmer,

Cat ignored him "so there I was…looking fabulous in my racy little black number with crimson beaded edging and-"

"I don't give a flying smeg about your clothes!"

"And that's the reason why you and me don't get on." Commented The Cat, sneering at Rimmer but still managing to look gorgeous. "Now, kindly shut your stupid mouth while I continue telling you my story"

"How can my mouth be stupid?" asked Rimmer, partly because he wanted to annoy the Cat, but also because he didn't quite understand the insult.

"It lets words come out!"

The hologram groaned and whimpered at the same time "Why are you here? Why can't you use leave me alone?"

"Because…And don't ask me why I wanna do this…But I'm gonna help you"

Rimmer looked up at the feline, and frowned in disbelief and confusion "Help me? With what?"

"We Cats can smell things…things you monkeys can't. Our noses are the most sensitive thing in existence" he explained, leaning casually against another crate, checking that it wouldn't dirty his suit first.

"And?"

"I can smell things when Charlie's near you, fear mostly but there's other smells. Admiration, lust, nervousness, desperation-"

"You can smell desperation?" Rimmer asked, boarder lining on amazement at the power of the feline nose.

Cat nodded "And buddy, you reek of it. Now, I'm not that clever, I'm not the type of guy how blows his own trumpet about how intelligent he is…mainly because I don't have a trumpet but also because I'm not intelligent. You either get brains or beauty…and you can guess what I got!" he grinned, before performing a quick twirl,

"I got neither," said Rimmer sadly "Talk about getting the short end of the stick…"

"Look, stop interrupting. I've got a shower break in 3 minutes and the situation is uncomfortable enough as it is without me missing out on valuable preening time!" Cat coughed and lowered his eyes for a moment in slight embarrassment. "The only thing you and I have in common is we're not exactly very experienced when it comes to women…in fact you've got more experience than me…and if that isn't a reason to kill yourself I don't know what is!" he sighed at his lack of nookie before continuing "If you like Charlie, why don't you just tell her? Ask her out!"

"She might say no!"

"She might say yes"

Rimmer considered this for a second, weighing up the possibilities of her saying yes "She'll say no! I know she will!"

Cat then did something unimaginable, he grabbed Rimmer by the shoulders and shook him "Listen up you walking of piece of cowardly, neurotic mess with more personality defaults than you can name! You are going to go out there, march up to Charlie and for once in your life do something that doesn't make other people want to bound and gag you! The worst she can say is 'no, go flush yourself into space you disgustingly moronic cretin' but the bright side is, she could reject you nicely!"

Rimmer blinked before a new found sense confidence, surged through his body. Where was the harm in asking Charlie out for a date, it was what millions of guys would have done in his situation. "Okay" he said, squaring his shoulders "I'll do it."

He marched purposefully out the door before running back in a few minutes later.

"I can't do this!" He cried and kicked the same box as before wincing in pain again and cursing his forgetfulness.

Cat rolled his eyes and yawned in response. "Well you're fear levels are up for one thing, but confidence has gone way down."

"Shut up you! – And stop trying to help me, it doesn't become you." Rimmer retorted wishing Cat would just smeg off for his bloody shower break.

"Fine whatever, She doesn't want me she said so – Her loss – And I could smell her rejection but she likes you too, so if you want to go flush it down the waste disposal unit that's your problem." Cat pushed, slightly annoyed that he had now lost one minute of shower time.

"She likes me?" Rimmer asked feeling a little dazed at this latest news.

"Yes, don't ask me why but she does, I can't tell if it's the romantic way or not. God I defiantly don't want to think about that but fact is she might go out with you, and while there's that possibility you should at least ask her out instead of moping around – It's too depressing."

"Oh thanks for that – I'll right myself a memo – "Note To Self: Cheer Up & Grow A Spine." Rimmer bit his lip as he finished his sarcastic retort wondering why he didn't just cry, cat could probably smell all his feelings that he was trying so hard to disguise anyway.

"God you're a complete smeghead." Cat sighed as he walked towards the steps.

"Where are you going?" Rimmer asked – Had Cat given up on him too now?

"For a walk in the park! Where do you think?" Cat scoffed as he reached the bottom step.

"Ha-ha, very funny." Rimmer replied, at a loss to say anything else.

"Whatever, if your going to mope about for the rest of the day do you mind keeping out of my way?" Cat requested as an idea – A rare occurrence in itself popped into his head.

"Gladly." Rimmer muttered as Cat reached the doorway.

"Good." Cat murmured to himself as he closed the door behind him, he wanted things to get back to normal as quickly as possible, sexy female crew members or not, and if that meant he'd HAVE to miss one of his shower breaks… well he'd just have to make an exception this once…

* * *

I've got to give another huge thank you to Stephanie (Zombie Kitty) who's been a tremendous help with this chapter. Also, we're rather interested to see if you tell what parts of this chapter are hers and which are mine…if you think you know, email me. We'd both like to find out :D 


	8. Charlie's Past

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay, I've a lot of stuff on at college as well as writers block but I finally got round to writing this chapter. It's not a very funny one I'm afraid, a bit sad actually. We're having laminated flooring put down in the kitchen and my dad made the mistake of ripping up the lino, so we're all getting stuck to the kitchen floor now…he's completely ruined my trainers!

Also, I want to say how sad it is that Ronnie Barker has died. He's such an inspiration and he will be missed!

**Laura:** I hope I've not messed about with your distorted mind too much! You'll probably find out what happens. P.s you say heartless like it's a bad thing :D

**Alex: **Glad you're loving it. ZK and I do make a good team, she does all the writing it's great :D. She keeps helping me out and she's a star.

**Sian:** Meep indeed! Thanks for all your help!

**Dan:** Glad you liked it!

**Caz-flips**: Thank ZK for the Cat characterisation, she is the master!

**ZK: **Thanks for all your help! Keep writing stories and putting me to shame!

Thanks to all reviewers and readers! Your feedback is appreciated!

Enjoy!

**Sunny**

XXXX

* * *

Charlie was feeling fidgety. She was having some difficulty adjusting to life on board. Things were fine, she didn't regret her decision to join Dave, it was just she'd grown used to being on her own. 3 years...3 long years with only herself as company, then suddenly she had to talk to people, have a conversation with them, offer her opinion. 

It had come as somewhat as a culture shock.

Lister had hardly changed, he was still the same easy going individual he was when he was sixteen, which reassured Charlie, it was a nice piece of normality in an otherwise strange situation.

She'd been getting to know the others and they'd all seemed fairly happy to tell them about their past, their experiences (Cat a little too eager to tell her about how incredibly stylish, sexy and sophisticated he was) but Rimmer on the other hand had a strange, somewhat cold and elusive vibe about him. If it weren't for the glances he kept giving her every so often then Charlie would've thought he hated her.

There was something about Rimmer. She hadn't yet worked it out, but she liked it. He made her laugh, not intentionally. She'd watched him and Lister argue and had to bite her lip to stop her giggling, he was rather witty and seemed to have a seemingly endless list of insults. Charlie liked the way he'd worried about her and she liked the way he blushed whenever she spoke to him.

She liked Rimmer, which was quite amazing given how little she actually knew about him. She was dying to get to know him better and that was why Charlie was stood staring at Rimmer's door. She'd been staring at it for the best part of five minutes and had yet to pluck up the courage to knock on it.

Her stomach churned, a cold sweat dripped down her back and she was shaking.

Why was she so nervous?

She'd talked to men she liked before…but they'd always been in situations where if they did reject her, the chances of meeting them again were slim. Now was different, if Rimmer knocked her back, she'd had to face seeing him everyday and on a space craft in space there were seldom spaces to hide.

This thought did nothing to reduce Charlie's anxiety...in fact it made her panic even more.

'Perhaps now isn't the right time' she thought, making to walk off…then a thought struck her. A line from a song. "You'll sit alone for ever if you wait for the right time"

Taking a deep breath, Charlie rapped her knuckles on the door. There was an apprehensive wait and for a second or two, she questioned if Rimmer was in his room at all…but then the door slid open just as she was walking off.

Rimmer looked surprised to see her "Hello" he said, cheeks turning slightly pink.

Charlie opened her mouth to return his greeting, but stopped when she heard something. She strained to hear what it was, it sounded very familiar. She frowned in concentration, unaware it was making Rimmer want to cry.

'She's come to my room just to glare at me' he thought, miserably 'she must really hate me!'

"Greenday" she said, smiling triumphantly

"Pardon?"

"Greenday, you're listening to Greenday…." Said Charlie, slightly breathless.

"Wha-? Oh Yes, erm…Greenday!" replied Rimmer. There was a moment or two of awkward silence before he asked "D'you want to come in?'

"Please" smiled Charlie, following him into the room.

"You've heard of Greenday then, I take it" asked Rimmer immediately afterwards cringing inwardly. Of course she's heard of Greenday you blithering idiot, how else would she have known it was them playing!'

Charlie nodded "They're great aren't they…ever heard Blink 182?"

Rimmer froze. He now faced a terrible dilemma. On the one hand, he could lie and say yes…but what if she asked him what his favourite song of theirs was or what if she quizzed him on how many people there were in the band! He could tell the truth and say he'd never heard of them, that way there'd be no embarrassing slip ups.

"No, I can't say I have."

"My Chemical Romance?"

"Nope" he shook his head

"Sugarcult?" asked Charlie

"Again, no…. to be brutally honest, Greenday is the extent of my rock music" admitted Rimmer,

For some reason Charlie liked this "A rock virgin" she grinned "I'm afraid, Rimmer I'm going to have my wicked way with you!"

'Any time' sighed Rimmer inside his head

"I've got some CD's you might like to borrow, I mean…if you like Greenday, you'll probably like them…"

Rimmer nodded "Thanks"

Another uncomfortable silence occurred, the pair sneaked glances at each other before hastily looking away, disgusted yet intrigued by their own dirty thoughts.

"I bet you're wondering why I'm here," said Charlie at long last

"I did a little, yes"

"Well" she coughed, her stomach starting to churn again "It's just…I've gotten to know everyone on board…except you…so, I thought because we're living together, I mean…in the same space as each other, it'd be best if we got to know each other a little better…"

Rimmer's heart began beating excitedly inside his chest "Yes!" he said, a little too loudly "That'd be great!" He still hadn't asked Charlie out on a date, maybe this would offer the perfect opportunity.

"Shall we then?" said Charlie, motioning to the door.

The pair walked along the cargo bays, occasionally talking but on the whole, they were both very quiet.

It was Rimmer who eventually broke the silence, "Please, don't take this the wrong way but…how the hell did you and Lister become friends. You don't seem the usual type of person he hangs round with…most of his friends would be denied entry to insane asylums for fear of scaring the patients…"

Charlie laughed "It's a long story…. and for you to understand how me and Dave became friends, you'd have to understand how miserable my childhood was…"

"Why?" asked Rimmer "What happened?"

She sighed, wondering if she had to strength to tell Rimmer all the painful memories. "My parents relationship started going rocky when I was 9, they managed to keep the marriage going for another 3 years, but it was plain to see they didn't love each other anymore…My parents were both workaholics so that didn't help…and then there was me…I was an accident…the result of a brief, unplanned moment of passion that took hold after the annual Marketing Seminar." She gave a strained smile "It's hideously ironic…the name 'Charlotte' is supposed to mean 'longed for child' and I was perhaps the biggest financial mistake my parents ever made…sometimes I think they would have loved me more if I was a spreadsheet!"

Rimmer wanted to say something reassuring, but found he couldn't. He felt so sorry for Charlie; he knew how it felt when your parents didn't like you.

"So anyway…they stayed together for 3 years and then _eventually_ decided to get divorced…that was messy…they'd argue for hours and I'd hear every word. I'd sit in my room, listening to them shout and scream at each other…" she trailed off, biting her lip and willing herself not to cry.

"You don't have to talk about if you don't want to..." said Rimmer,

Charlie shook her head "No" she said firmly "I probably need to get this off my chest" she tucked her hair behind her ears and sighed "One night…I'd had enough… it'd gotten too much…I ran off…I stormed downstairs and walked straight out of the door into the night…. I hung around outside for a few minutes, to see if they'd try and stop me…but they didn't." her faced harden, and although she was smiling her eyes were cold "They were too busy arguing over who got the plasma TV."

She stopped walking, and leant against a wall as if just talking about was draining her physically and emotionally. "I went to the park…" she said softly, sliding down the wall and sitting on the floor "I mean, where else was there for a 12 year old to go at night. That's where I met Dave" she smiled, properly this time.

Rimmer sat next to her, wanting nothing more then to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything will be okay, but he didn't. He just sat and listened.

"He asked if I was okay…stupid question really, I was in floods of tears on a park swing at 10 o' clock at night. I said it was just parent trouble but…" she stopped and shook her head in dismay "I just _had_ to talk to someone…before I knew it…I was telling him everything, I knew I shouldn't…you don't just start telling a stranger your life problems…but I had to talk to someone…I had no friends, no parents, not really…I had no-one…"

Rimmer went to take hold of her back, but Charlie wrapped her arms round her knees, so he pretended he'd been putting his hand on the floor.

"After I'd finished, Dave told me a little about himself, he kept making me laugh, cheering me up. It turned out we were in the same school…he walked me home then, not that my parents had even noticed I'd gone..." There was a short pause "I saw Dave at school the next day…I honestly didn't expect him to let onto me, I was a nerd, the person who went un-noticed at the front of the class but Dave was nice to me, as were the lads when I was introduced to them!"

"Didn't they mind? Lister's friends, you being a girl and all…" asked Rimmer,

Charlie laughed "Well, they were a bit reluctant at first, but they soon realised I wasn't like other girls when I joined in the 3 hour conversation entitled 'real or fake?'"

Rimmer was still slightly confused "But did you never want to be friends with girls rather than a large group of rowdy, lewd teenage lads"

Charlie looked at him, "I'll tell you something Rimmer, something you might or might not already know…Girls are the bitchiest creatures ever to have lived. They'll say one thing to your face then another behind your back. They're mean, heartless, callous and nasty. You know where you are with boys Rimmer, they'll tell you straight out if you're being a smeg head and they're a great laugh."

"But still…didn't you find it a bit daunting…being the only girl in that gang?" he asked.

"Nope. They were the best friends I could have asked for and I actually enjoyed the majority of my teen years."

"I'll take your word for it" said Rimmer,

"I'm sorry…" said Charlie.

"For what?"

"For dragging you down here to whinge about my childhood. I've probably scared you off now haven't it…I've freaked you out getting all hung up on something that happened when I was 12!" she looked down at the floor.

Rimmer shifted closer to her, he placed his hand cautiously on hers, half expecting her to pull away but she didn't.

"You haven't scared me off" he said softly, Charlie raised her head and smiled. They gazed into each other's eyes for a few moments, trying to read each other. Rimmer saw in Charlie a shy, knocked-about young girl who had turned into a feisty young woman. Charlie saw in Rimmer a shy, knocked-about young boy who had yet to come out of his shell and into the real world…

"Charlie?" Rimmer asked suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"I…I…" he stuttered, trying to search for the right words, although what he was attempting to say, he didn't know.

"I know," Charlie said, unexpectedly.

But it was true. She did know…whatever it was Rimmer couldn't say. She understood him.

Rimmer shuffled a little closer to Charlie and she turned to see him better. She put a hand gently on his shoulder, her eyes flicking directions between his eyes and his lips. Rimmer put his hand on her waist tentatively, and he felt her breath on his cheek – it was warm and comforting. As they leaned closer and closer to each other, Rimmer and Charlie could both feel themselves getting more excited, their pulses racing. Their foreheads touched just when something in Rimmer's mind screamed, 'what are you doing?'. He withdrew his head quickly, dragging Charlie to the floor.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, scrambled to his feet and dashed back to his room.


	9. I like you, can't you see that?

**A/N:** Hello there my little friends. Hopefully this chapter should be funnier than the last on. I've had a severe case of writers block plus college work so it's taken a while to write.

I'm applying for a job at Sainsburys…I'm not particularly ecstatic about working there but every else that had tasteful uniforms wouldn't give me a job…. (shudders) Orange shirt…with my hair colour? Walking bonfire! Oh well, beggars can't be choosers, and students can't be unemployed…

I hate filling out application forms…you always get a question "Why do you want to work at Sainsburys/HMV/Boots ect" and you're expected to write some crap about it being 'your life long ambition'…why can't you just say 'I need the bloody cash and I'd be frowned upon for going on the dole…'

Oh well...Big thanks to all readers, reviewers, helpers, friends and the Crazy pigeon lady who lives in my bin!

Peace out!

**Sunny  
XXXX**

* * *

She should have known better… 

What on earth ever made her believe she had a chance with Rimmer! Had her past experiences with men taught her nothing?

Charlie sighed, throwing herself on her bunk. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she buried her head into her pillow, wanting to hide away from the world.

She should have seen this coming…men didn't want women like her, Charlie had known that for a long time, yet she still allowed her imagination to run away with her, dream of what could never be.

Charlie had never really been popular with boys. It hadn't got better as she'd gotten older. If she'd been dragged out to a bar or club by her friends (and then promptly abandoned as they ran off to fraternise with a member of the opposite sex) she resented the feeble attempts men made to chat her up. They'd sidle up to her, smile casually (though in actual fact it should have been called a leer), and spend several minutes openly staring at her breasts before drawling in what they thought was a seductive way "What'll it be? Your place…. or mine?". In reply to that, she'd smile sincerely and reply "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine!"

Over the years she'd built up a list of 'cold comebacks to chatup lines' that any self-respecting feminist would be proud of.

"Are your legs tired? Cos you've been running through my mind _all_ day!" "Yes, I was trying to get away!"

Another one of her favourites: "Well…here I am. What are your other 2 wishes?" "Bondage straps and an industrial strength chainsaw!"

She'd thought Rimmer was different though.

He wasn't like any of those idiots she had hated (and maybe even pitied) for so long, he seemed quite shy, even sensitive perhaps. How she had managed to decipher him so well was a mystery to her, it seemed like girls had a sixth sense to read men's minds...but she still couldn't figure out why Rimmer hadn't kissed her. Why had he ran off? Did he actually like her or was it just sympathy?

She sighed, untangled herself from her covers and opted to go for a walk up to the cockpit, to clear her head. Unfortunately her head didn't want to rid itself of all the depressing thoughts it was hording. She felt like most girls had at one time or another. Rejected, stupid, silly: the list went on. The only difference was she wasn't 14 years old and should be more mature about such matters- at least that's what she told herself.

Cringing at the memory, Charlie shot up from where she was sitting in the navigator's chair. Spinning round she realized it was only Cat and turned away, almost disappointed and continued staring out into space (literally).

"Honey" He grinned "With those reflexes you should be a Cat...not a measly monkey!"

Charlie simply shrugged, not really in the mood for conversation and continued gazing sadly into the abyss. Cat gently took hold of her chin and turned her head gently from side to side, eyes narrowed. "What?" demanded Charlie, pulling away.

"With your complexion you should wear a more subtle colour of eye shadow, it'll bring out the colour of your eyes and enhance your English rose skin complexion." He said.

"Right…thanks for that" she said, now thoroughly fed up. She couldn't even get it right when it came to make up.

"Of course, that colour would look great on me," commented the Cat, slipping into the chair next to her "But then again…any colour looks great on me because i'm so fabulously good-looking!"

"Is that a hint?" asked Charlie

"A hint for what?" he said, eyes wide and innocent

"For me to give you this eye shadow?"

"Awwww, you don't have to do that...wait, what am I saying, yes you do because I want to do that colour justice, cos your just not letting it work to it's full potential" said Cat,

Charlie just stared at him for a second or two "You're probably the only one who could find career targets for make-up!"

"Is that a yes?" asked Cat expectantly, having lost Charlie somewhere around the start of the sentence.

Half sighing, half groaning she shuffled from the cockpit.

"You won't regret this!" Cat shouted after her "when you see how damn handsome I look in it!"

* * *

Rimmer was in the shower. Being a hologram, he didn't technically need to shower but a lifetime of personal hygiene wasn't easy to just forget. Showering also gave him time to think, and on this particular time his thoughts had turned to Charlie. He promptly turned the shower temp control to 'cold' but it didn't make any difference. 

He groaned, how could he be so stupid? He was centimetres…no millimetres away from kissing Charlie. Her breath tickled his face, he felt the heat from her body, all he had to do was lean in a little closer…but no, he ran. Ran like he coward he was.

She'd hate him for sure now…if she didn't hate him before that is!

Having had enough of thinking for one day, Rimmer climbed out of the shower, wrapping a towel round his waist.

"Hey" said Lister, who'd just come in.

"Don't you ever knock?" snapped Rimmer, annoyed and severely embarrassed about people coming into the room while he was semi naked.

"Well...d'you want me to go back and knock, then come in again?" asked Lister, gesturing to the door

"No" said Rimmer,

"Why? You wanted me to knock so-"

"There's no point because you're smeggin' well here now!" he exhaled angrily "What d'you want? I assume you have a reason for being here aside from seeing me fresh out of the shower..."

"I was just wondering if you had any engineering texts books lying around, it's just one of the engines has broke so I thought I'd have a go at fixing it" said Lister, secretly wondering what had gotten into Rimmer, he was behaving more like a smeghead than he usually did.

"Why?" asked Rimmer "What's wrong with it?"

"It's broke," said Lister, very matter-of-factly

The hologram rolled his eyes "With mechanical intellect like that you should have been on robot wars!"

Lister shrugged "whatever" not really bothered "So have you got a book?"

"They're down in the boiler room…. still there from the last time you tried to fix something!"

"Why d'you say it like that?" frowned Lister "like I'm some dangerous, reckless cowboy electrician…."

Rimmer smiled "You needed an engineering text book to change a light bulb even then you managed to electrocute yourself!"

Unbeknownst to either of them, Charlie was walking down the corridor having gotten the eyeshadow cat had 'requested'. She stopped dead in her tracks as she heard Lister's voice

"I wasn't elctrocuted…I just…fell over!"

"And the sparks and tiny bolts of electricity came with the fall, did it?"

Charlie's heart began to flutter as she heard Rimmer's voice. She mentally scolded herself for being so juvenile but smiled nonetheless. She glanced down at the eyeshadow palette in her hand…it had a mirror in it. She flicked it open and cautiously angled it towards the door.

What she saw nearly made her drop the mirror in surprise…Rimmer…clad only in a towel…dripping wet…droplets of water running down his muscles. She made a noise somewhere between excitement and shock.

It had been a while since she'd seen a naked (well, partially naked man) but seeing Rimmer now had made her remember why girls got so hyped up about it. She stayed rooted the spot as Lister and Rimmer's conversation continued.

"Lister, if you can't change a simple light bulb how'd you expect to a fix a complicated piece of machinery like one of Starbug's engine?"

"It can't be that hard…can it?" said Lister,

Rimmer smiled. "No. It's fairly easy if you're an engineer with vast amounts of experience…but for you…a guy who can't put together a flat pack from Ikea!"

"No-one can put together a flat pack from Ikea…. you've always got one screw left over at the end!"

"As much as I adore discussing such trivial matters with you in great and unnecessary detail, I'd like to be alone now…"

"Eh?" said Lister, who hadn't really been listening

Rimmer decided to make it simple for him " Smeg off!"

"Okay, okay" said Lister, backing towards the door "I can take a hint"

Charlie was suddenly jerked back to reality…what if she got caught…there was no way she could stand outside Rimmer's door with a mirror without looking just a little bit suspicious. She pressed herself against the wall, held her breath and prayed Lister wouldn't spot her.

Fortunately he went in the opposite direction. Charlie sighed a huge sigh of immense relief. That was way too close for comfort. She turned the palette over in her hands…dare she? She gave a wicked grin and flicked it open, and once again angled it into Rimmer's room.

That was then Rimmer dropped the towel.

Her eyebrows shot upwards simultaneously as her jaw dropped. She just about managed to mutter under her breath "big boy…"

* * *

Charlie made it back to the cockpit a few minutes later, her cheeks flushed. 

"What took you so long?" asked Cat, but he stopped as he saw her expression, "What's the matter, you look a little…shocked"

She collapsed into the navigator's chair "Nothing…it's just…Rimmer….distracted me a little…."

"Distracted you?" repeated the Cat "With what? It must have been pretty special…"

Charlie gave a small nod, "Yes…it was rather special…to him especially!"

Cat raised a perfectly manicured finger to his lip and wondered what on earth Old Goalpost head could have distracted the delectable Charlie with, "It must have been kinda big…"

Charlie's first instinct was to go 'How did you know?' but she doubted Cat if understood what she was going on about, "Well, yes…it…erm…was rather big…"

"And he must have been doing something really interesting with it…" mused the Cat

"It was what I wanted him to do with it that was the really interesting thing" admitted Charlie, her cheeks burning up at the mere thought.

Cat remained quiet for a moment or two, leading Charlie to believe he was going to drop this topic of conversation. "He'll have to show it me some time" he said, eager to watch Rimmer do something vaguely interesting.

For some reason this made Charlie shout "NO! No, no…you…you wouldn't like it…nah, not your thing…" she smiled and quickly looked away leaving Cat, not for the first time in his life, genuinely confused.

* * *

The crystal clear water lapped against the yellow sand making a pleasant whooshing noise as it rolled and tumbled back and forth. The sun was beginning to set behind the palm trees, basking the lagoon in pale golden light. It was an idyllic atmosphere. 

Charlie was swimming in the lagoon, she spotted Rimmer and smiled, sending him soaring up to heaven. She waded forward, her blouse clinging to her soaked skin as she came closer and closer, eyes shining in the dim light.

Rimmer began walking towards her, arms ready to greet her, his heart crying out for her. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and stared deep into his eyes and leaned in for a kiss.

That was when Rimmer woke up. He sat bolt up in bed, it took a moment for him to get his bearings. He cursed himself for firstly having such dreams and secondly, if he was forced to have these dreams, could he actually get some action in them rather than having to endure bitter disappointment all the time.

He gave a dejected sigh and lay back down.

"Keep dreaming, Rimsy" He told himself "she's way out of your league!"

A few doors down, Charlie had awoken in a similar manner.

She'd been in a yellow cornfield, her white silky dress fluttering in the slight breeze. There was the sound of hoof prints stampeding across the field, she turned around to Rimmer riding a white horse. He smiled, clambering down from the saddle before taking her in his eyes and kissing her passionately.

Of course, none of it was real. It was just a dream. A rather stereotypical dream at that. Charlie frowned, turning her pillow over onto the cold side "Oh Grow up Charlie" she scolded herself "Like Rimmer would ever look twice at you!"


	10. The Date that nearly was

**A/N:** Phew…it's 00.17…and I've just finished writing…Okay, a big thank you is due to Liz, Laura and Steph for being huge helps and giving me guidance, advice and zany conversations…THANKS GUYS!

Secondly, thank you to all reviewers and readers! I love you all!

Hope you enjoy the chapter and I swear to God I'm gonna get to the plot soon!

**Sunny  
XXXX**

* * *

The next day, Rimmer entered the cockpit in a foul mood. His conversation with Lister the previous day had irritated him to no end, and that combined with that horrendous dream...no, nightmare- had put him in possibly the worst mood since Lister had discovered belching wasn't an official Olympic sport. 

The hologram collapsed into a chair and glared angrily at the screen in front of him. Why couldn't he have been more like his brothers in the romance department, they got more action than an Italian nymphomaniac! Why did he have to be a cowardly piece of filth that should just face up to the prospect of spending the rest of his pitiful existence alone?

"Well?" said Cat, looking up from buffing his already immaculate nails.

"I blew it!" wailed Rimmer miserably "like you had to ask, you probably saw it coming, everyone would have seen it coming….Blind Pew would have seen it coming and he doesn't even know me! I'm a complete failure in everything…and that includes women!" he groaned, holding his head in his hands.

Cat gave him a perplexed look "I was asking what you thought of my outfit!" He stood up so Rimmer could get the full effect of his midnight blue latex and silk hybrid long sleeved jacket with tails, skinny tight pants and brogues Dolce and Gabbana would die for.

It was Rimmer's turn to look confused, "I hate my life!" he moaned, banging his head against the console.

Cat allowed the hologram to spend several minutes making a dent in the console before he spoke up. He tried his hardest not to sound too interested, but in actual fact he wanted to know how things had turned out. "So...how'd you screw it up this time?"

"I ran off," replied Rimmer sadly

"Wow. There's something you've never done before!" smirked Cat, "By rights you should have a degree in 'running away in a cowardly manner'...scrap that, you should be a lecturer on the subject...you're that good at it!"

Rimmer either hadn't heard or he was purposefully ignoring Cat "Things were going so well...we were having a conversation…and by conversation I mean she was actually _talking_ to me, not telling me what a loathsome, disgustingly vile cockroach I am...and then" he trailed off "and then I had to ruin it by running away just as we were about to kiss…."

Cat nodded vaguely for a second before he registered what was being said, "YOU DID WHAT?" he yelled, "I don't believe this! Here I am…the most gorgeous creature for millions of miles around and then there's you…_you_ who would be denied access to 'Universes ugliest convention' because you were too ugly…yet you're the one getting all the action…well…nearly getting all the action! I've gotta say, buddy, you've screwed up before in the past but this…. takes it to a whole new level!"

Out of all the things Cat expected Rimmer to do, he didn't expect him to agree. The hologram bit his lip to stop it trembling before croaking, "you're right…I mean why would she want someone like me…I'm so out of her league it's untrue…she's Man United…and I'm the East Brighton Junior Comprehensive substitute team with the only goal of the season being scored by the team mascot- a legless monkey called Watson! I'm a complete smegging failure!"

Cat watched and, for some unimaginable reason, nearly ended up feeling sorry for Rimmer. Fortunately this feeling quickly went away, the bad news was it was replaced by another unwanted emotion – guilt. Cat felt mean, not only was this an unpleasant feeling, it was also a somewhat new emotion, having only experienced it once before after contemplating wearing a polyester shirt.

Needless to say that moment didn't last long. This moment however, seemed to be going on forever causing Cat to sweat nervously. Which only worsened the situation as he began to panic about sweat ruining his bouffant hairstyle. Images of sweat patches appearing on his shirt and people recoiling in horror sprung to mind also. He shuddered in disgust; if he carried on like this he'd be no better than the monkeys!

"Look" said Cat, struggling to find the right words "You might have blown it this time…but hey, we can fix that!"

"How?" asked Rimmer,

Cat grinned; thankfully the guilty feeling was going away "Leave it to me!" he said, strolling out of the cockpit.

* * *

Charlie looked up from painting her toenails a luscious shade of red when Cat came bounding in holding a figure hugging velvet black dress, "Here" he said, holding it out for her. 

"Cat, thank you but I can't accept it!" Charlie protested

"Look this isn't from me." He lied, gritting his teeth

"It isn't?" she asked in shock.

"No babe, it's from alpha... _Rimmer_." Cat corrected himself fighting back the urge to throw up at the completely unselfish thing he was doing.

"Rimmer?" Charlie said, trying to keep her voice neutral though Cat could smell the happiness radiating from her and the twinkle that had appeared in her eye at the mention of his name.

"Errrrm yeah, he wants you to wear this and meet him in the cargo bays." Cat explained as Charlie smiled and took the dress.

"Thank you for telling me but…why didn't he come himself?"

"Errrrm he was busy babe." Said Cat, hoping he sounded convincing. He wasn't a good liar; he was too accustomed to telling people what he really thought, not tiptoeing round a subject for fear of offending someone.

"Doing what?"

"You'll see." Cat backed out of the room, a grin plastered on his handsome face.

Charlie shrugged and began to get ready. A few minutes later Lister walked in, he whistled "Ohh! Charlie in a dress…never thought I'd live to see that!"

She blushed but smiled nonetheless,

"So" asked Lister, opening his can of Leopard Lager "where you goin'?"

"If you must know, I'm going on a date."

"I thought Kryten had been chirpier than usual today!" he joked,

"Very funny." said Charlie, rolling her eyes

"I didn't think Cat would be into the whole 'date' thing," mused Lister "He must be really desperate to get you into bed!"

"My dates not with Cat…it's with Rimmer."

Lister snorted, sending two jet streams of lager out of his nose "What!" he managed to choke "Rimmer!"

"Yes" replied Charlie, struggling not to smirk

"Rimmer!"

"Yes"

"RIMMER!"

"God, Dave. Even you aren't this slow. Yes, I am going on a date with Rimmer" Charlie snapped, putting in her earrings "Got a problem with that?" she asked as she spotted his face

Lister opened his mouth, but strangely enough the only word that could come out was "_Rimmer!"_

"What's wrong with Rimmer" demanded Charlie. Her eyes were narrowed and her lips were thin, Lister knew she was angry but the thought of her and Rimmer together had freaked him out past the point of caring.

"It'd be easier to name what's _right_ with Rimmer" he said, taking a swig of lager to steady his nerves, "Why the smeg are you going on a date with him?"

"Because I happen to like him…and most of the time you go on a date with someone you like!" said Charlie,

"You like him?" repeated Lister, now seriously concerned. "Well…that makes the total number of people onboard this ship who like him…one!"

Charlie didn't find this amusing; she gave Lister a thin smile "You still haven't told me what's so wrong with Rimmer?"

Lister took a deep breath "He's a rude, obnoxious, cowardly, deceitful, self-centered, irritating, interfering, inarticulate, cowardly, petty, maladjusted weasley little smeghead - backbone missing, presumed resigned!" he stopped, not wanting to recite all of Rimmer's bad qualities in one night. It was enough to make anyone suicidal,

"You're wrong…" said Charlie quietly

"What?"

"You're wrong about Rimmer" she said, "The Rimmer I got to know is this kind, sensitive, misunderstood individual who's never had the chance to prove himself…"

"Are we talking about the same guy here?" asked Lister, Charlie shook her head and continued to get ready "Why the smeg are you going on a date with him…he's a complete smeg head! This is a guy who would let his 'friends' die rather than risking his own neck- Are you seriously saying you want to date him!"

Charlie remained quiet for a moment or two "Is that you don't like the thought of me dating Rimmer…or the thought of me dating full stop?"

"What?" asked Lister, frowning

Charlie turned back to face him "Peter Robbins."

"W-what about him?"

"He sat next to me in French in year 9…I liked him, he was a nice lad. Quiet but once you got him talking he was really lovely-"

Lister couldn't see what this had to do with the conversation, but he didn't say anything as Charlie continued "He asked me out on a date…he got so flustered doing it I thought he'd never be able to get the words out…but he did in the end…and I was really flattered...but I made the mistake of telling you about it!"

Lister quickly lowered his gaze to the floor, he knew where this was going and it wasn't going to be pretty.

"Peter cancelled the date…he just phoned me up and said he didn't want to go out with me…d'you know why, Dave?"

He nodded, but said nothing; he doubted if words would make this situation any better.

"You'd beaten him up," said Charlie, trying to keep her voice calm and controlled but failing miserable,

"It wasn't just me," protested Lister, breaking his vow of temporary silence "It was the others as well…. besides Peter wasn't good enough for you, he was a right little tosser!"

"No he wasn't!" Charlie found her self yelling, "Peter was this shy, sensitive, intelligent young boy who was constantly bullied for simply being himself…he wasn't like the rest…it took him months for him to pluck up the courage to ask me out…and when he does, he's beaten up for no apparent reason by a large group of teenage lads!"

"We went easy on him…"

"And that makes it better does it" snapped Charlie "You scared the living daylights out of him, he thought he'd stumbled across the scouse mafia!" she exhaled angrily, running her fingers through her hair "did you ever wonder why I stopped telling you which boys I fancied after that?"

"I assumed there were none" said Lister,

Charlie gave a hollow laugh "Oh no, there were plenty. I just didn't want you to know about them…."

"Why?"

"Why?" repeated Charlie "Because you'd have scared them off…you just couldn't stand the thought of me dating could you, Lister? I had to put up with you dating, and I use that word loosely, brainless floozies!"

"Hey, c'mon" protested Lister "I've changed!"

Charlie nodded "I know, Toni's lovely and it's pretty obvious you're not just in love with her looks…but in your teens you were quite different…it was just bimbo after bimbo. Heaven forbid if _I_ wanted to go out with a member of the opposite sex…no, you wouldn't allow it!" she sighed and turned away. She was shaking slightly, but it had to be said. Lister had to know how she felt.

A short pause occurred then: "I was worried about you…"

Charlie raised her eyes and looked at Lister's reflection in the mirror, he looked incredibly guilty and upset.

"Please…don't take this the wrong way but, well, the way you looked…boys would have thought you were desperate, easy meat…I was terrified some smooth talking smarmy git would come along, take you for a ride and leave you brokenhearted…"

Charlie paused mid-way through applying her mascara, she was in two minds of what to think – was Lister being overprotective or just interfering.

"I'll level with you here, Dave" she said, sitting down on her bunk and motioning for Lister to join her "I've always been a bit of fish out of water when it comes to men!"

Lister's eyebrows shot upwards; he'd heard Rimmer use that phrase hundreds of times (only he'd said women instead of men).

"Most men are looking for a trophy girlfriend: someone who to hang on their arm, giggle occasionally and gaze at them adoringly…I'm not that type of women…yet Rimmer still is interested in me!"

Lister sighed. He was so confused. He'd known Rimmer for years, he knew him better than anyone else. Lister knew what a smeghead he was yet Charlie was making him out to be this poor misunderstood creature.

"Rimmer's such a smeghead though…"

Charlie turned her head slightly to one side and looked at him carefully "Lister, have you ever heard of the self fulfilling prophecy?"

"Are they a techno band?" asked Lister

Charlie smiled slightly "No. It's the theory that if you say something to someone often enough pretty soon they'll start to believe it"

Lister's head was beginning to hurt "you'll have to explain it again…"

"Okay" said Charlie, "erm…if you continuously tell a cat that it's a dog, after some time it will start to believe it's a dog because it's had it drummed into it's subconscious…and that's what's happened with Rimmer"

"Someone told Rimmer he was a dog?"

Charlie groaned, "No, oh look just forget the 'dog and cat thing'…stupid example…what I'm trying to say is, Rimmer has been called a smeghead so many times, he believes it…he might not be a smeghead…but he's living up to the label he's been given…deep down, there's this nice, kind, likeable Rimmer that wants to get out…all we need to do is give it the chance…"

Lister went to open his mouth to reply, but he felt the ship jolt forward. Objects hurled themselves off shelves as the room tumbled sideways. He'd experienced this several times and it meant only one thing…. Starbug was about to crash!


	11. End of the road

**A/N:** My my what demanding little scamps you all are…(sighs) I don't think I got that job at Sainsburys…never mind, they had minging uniforms anyway…but it still leaves me in quite a predicament…I'm unemployed, a student and about to start driving lessons in January…so, I've swallowed my pride, lowered my standards and applied for part time work at McDonalds…oh well…Apologies for this taking so long, I was struck down by a horrid case of writers block, suffered a unusually large assignment of homework and there just weren't enough hours in the day. A 'thank you' to Sian, Steph, Laura and Liz as I kept bugging them for help!

**Reddwarfaddict: **I hope the suspense hasn't killed you otherwise you won't find out how it all ends…Thanks for your review and all of your help!

**Cazflibs: **Ripping wallpaper off walls is only acceptable if you're a painter and decorator…are you? You say such nice things about my work, it's lovely but confuses me, what on earth do people like about my insanity-ridden ramblings…oh well! Thank you!

**Boogle: **I adore cliffy endings but only when I'm the one writing it, cos then I know what happens next…he he :D Thanks for your review.

**Basketweaver Jesser:** Apologies for the spelling mistakes, if I have one fatal flaw it's got to be my speeling…sorry, spelling…How could I not compliment Greenday on their lyrics, they're fantastic! Thanks for your review, I'll try to keep the spelling mistakes to a minimum and the court case about Ryan's 'wandering hands' takes place next week…lol

**Smegginitlarge: **Thanks for your review:D (cough) update LL2…or else! Also, you've written 2 reviews that don't mention the M and T words you get so hyped up over! Well done!

**ZK:** Thanks for all of your help! You're a star!

* * *

There was the sickening crunch of metal colliding with earth, coupled by the occasional bangs or crashes as yet more stuff was thrown out of it's usual place, but at long last Starbug stopped moving.

Lister waited for a few seconds before making an attempt to move. He was still fairly dizzy and disoriented but on the whole unhurt. Next to him Charlie groaned and struggled to sit upright.

"You okay?" asked Lister.

Charlie nodded grimly, a hand firmly clasped to her aching head. "What happened?" she managed to mumble

"We crashed" said Lister simply, standing up and assessing the damage.

Charlie peeled her eyes open and stared at him "You don't sound too bothered about it…"

"Crashes are sort of a day-to-day occurrence round here…. you kinda get used to them" he shrugged. There was a pause as Lister wondered how he could possible phrase his next sentence so it _didn't_ sound like he was secretly pleased "Looks like your date won't be going ahead…"

Charlie gave Lister such a glare it would have made the Devil himself cower under a table whimpering "Don't sound so bloody happy about it…." she said icily, running a hand through her hair as she blinked dust from her eyes. Lister moved back a step as the force of her anger struck him, he turned away and stumbled to the door to find the others.

Part of him wanted to turn back, apologise to Charlie whilst at the same time casually putting her off going on a date with Rimmer…the one thing holding him back was the very painful memories of what Charlie was like in a bad mood. Violent just didn't seem descriptive enough, barbaric and bloodthirsty was much more fitting.

When Lister arrived in the cockpit Kryten was leaning over the somewhat crumpled form of Cat, fussing and flapping his hands around in an anxious fashion "Mr Cat, sir? Can you hear me?"

"Is he okay?" asked Lister

Kryten shook his head "He's out cold, sir…and I can't seem to bring him round" the mechanoid then continued to fuss before Lister intervened,

"Here Krytes, let me" he knelt down beside Cat and cleared his throat "Cat…I'm sorry…but after the crash there was fire…and, well…there's no easy way for me to say this but…all your clothes are gone. Burnt to a crisp!"

Cat's eyes shot open and he flung himself out of the chair into Kryten's arms "Nooooooo! Not my precious clothes! Why couldn't it have been me instead? WHY?" he wailed, grief consuming his heavenly body.

"Calm down man, your clothes are fine" said Lister, forcing the panic-stricken feline back into the chair. There was a cut on Cat's head but fortunately the blood went perfectly with his outfit, and it was nothing a bit of first aid couldn't fix "how many fingers am I holding up?" asked Lister, holding up 3 fingers.

Cat stared at them for a long time, he never understood why the monkeys asked him such difficult questions…shouldn't he have been warned he was going to have a maths test today…he would have revised! Eventually he decided on "8?"

"Oh dear" said Kryten "I think he's suffering from concussion, he's got double vision!"

"Nah, he just can count yet!" smirked Lister, "I was just havin' a laugh" he paused "Cat, what d'you think of a pale pastel coloured suit with a lime green silk shirt with matching cravat?"

"Lime green silk? Buddy, even I'd have trouble carrying that one off! And a matching cravat…erugh, that just screams poncy fake millionaire!"

"He's fine" decided Lister, before moving onto a more serious issue "Cat, why'd we crash?"

Cat looked up from scrutinising his image in his hand mirror. He'd led (well, technically dragged) Rimmer down to the cargo bays after dropping Charlie's dress off. He'd then gone back up to the cockpit safe in the knowledge no matter how bad the date went, Charlie wouldn't look like mutton dressed as lamb…not with the stylish outfit he'd made her on!

Then things got a little hazy….he remembered coming up to the cockpit and then there was a loud bang and everything went black.

"I'm not sure, bud" he said, "The screen said everything was fine, no meteors, no asteroids, no dust storms…it was as plain as a Swedish minimalist flat! Then the next thing I know, I'm being told my suits are gone…" he whimpered at the very thought "d'you have any idea how much psychological harms that's caused me?"

"You'll get over it" dismissed Lister "but why did we crash…we must have hit something…didn't you see it?"

Cat rolled his eyes "Don't use that tone of voice" he snapped

"What tone of voice?" asked Lister, frowning slightly

"That tone of voice which means you think I'm being stupid…all I know is that this screen-" he pointed to the screen to his left "told me there was nothing around" he paused as something on the screen caught his eye "that's weird…we've crashed but according to this, we're still in space…look…"

It was true, the screen showed a stretch of black with tiny white dots that whizzed by. Lister stared at the screen, wondering how on earth you could have crashed onto a planet but still be in space, when suddenly a thought hit him. He leant over and tapped a couple of keys on the console, before saying "Cat, that was the smeggin' screen saver!"

There was a very long, deathlike silence before Cat eventually spoke up, in a very sheepish voice "you know that tone of voice you use when you think I'm being stupid…"

"Yeah"

"Feel free to use it!"

* * *

Rimmer paced up and down, an agitated aura about him. He glanced at his watch nervously and paused, before shaking his head. Why was he even waiting here? Cat wasn't exactly a sticker for punctuality, and he had said he'd be back in five minutes.

He stopped pacing. He thought about going up to see what was the problem, but Cat had given him extremely specific instructions…'Stay here', he had said. 'I'll be back in five buddy. Don't move, whatever happens.'

Five? That was a bit of an understatement wasn't it? So far he'd cooked up fifteen, and _that, _ladies and gentlemen, is longer than Lister took to eat a salad.

He sat down on a rusted step, and thought about Charlie for a moment. Her personality…her smile…her hair…her eyes…her _breasts_…

Then decided not to think about her. The thought of her made him want to cry, something which he did not want Cat to see. He felt like such a helpless, vulnerable love struck man. But what was the point? She didn't love him. Maybe if he just had a little more self-esteem, he could have the courage to actually string a sentence together when she was in the room…but he knew, any relationship worth having was one where both halves could actually speak to each other.

He wasn't bad looking was he? Okay, so he didn't exactly put a total effort into his looks, but he was alright wasn't he? He did have something about him that said 'Eat me I'm sweet!' didn't he?

No, he didn't.

He got up and started pacing again. His thoughts trailed off of his sexual appeal and turned back to Cat in a vain attempt to ignore his own hatred. Where _was _Cat?

Scanning through all the options in his mind, he decided he had to go find where Cat was. He nodded to himself, fully convinced this was a good idea, and stepped forwards towards the door.

Next thing he knew, he was hurled backwards into a giant metal box as the floor suddenly decided to become the ceiling for a little while. Within seconds it had flipped back over to it's original position, sending him crashing into the far wall with all the grace of a hamster with a limp running round a mechanical hamster wheel.

As Starbug subsided to level ground again, he didn't dare move from the position he had landed.

Several minutes ticked slowly by, but still Rimmer remained on the floor, just making sure that Starbug had in fact, actually stopped. Eventually he decided that as much fun as it was lying on the cold, hard dirty floor of the cargo bays surrounded by mess and debris, he'd have to get up.

The cockpit was first place on Rimmer's 'places to go to find who was responsible for all of this'. He entered to see Lister running checks on the console whilst Cat was having a cut on his head seen to by Kryten,

"Excellent driving, Lister" sneered Rimmer "Absolutely A1! It really helps me sleep easy at night knowing we've got someone like you guiding us through the dangers of deep space! Heaven forbid if you were one of those types that took stupid, reckless risks without sparing a thought for your fellow crew members" he paused for dramatic effect "but wait, you _are_ one of those types!"

Lister turned round, "Actually _Rimmer_" he said, pouring as much spite as he could muster into his words. He was still bitter about the fact Rimmer believed it'd be okay for him to date Charlie, "I wasn't the one piloting this time, it wasn't my fault. So kindly get your smeggin' facts right before you come barging in here with your sarcastic comments and your flaring nostrils, okay!"

Rimmer blinked, mainly out of surprise. Lister never normally retorted with such an angry remark so early in an argument. He preferred to tell Rimmer to shut the smeg up, then work his way up to the insults and the crippling jibes at the holograms personality.

"Right…would anyone like to tell me how we did crash then?"

"No" said the Cat "It's something I'd sooner forget. I'll never live it down if old never-ending nostrils here knows about it…" he turned back to face Kryten, who was still the process of cleaning the cut on Cat's head whilst also trying not to spoil his flawless make up. "Be honest with me, buddy" he said, pointing to his forehead "is this gonna scar?"

"No sir" reassured the mechanoid "It should heal in a few days time"

"Good!" and with that Cat strode out of the cockpit, on his way to go and spend some 'quality time' with his suits. The events of the day had made him realise how much they really meant to him.

"I love you…and I love you…and you!" he sang, walking down past the racks and racks crammed full of colour, extravagant and indescribably stylish clothes. I love you all soooooooo much…. Oh _hot pink_! I love you the most…well, for this hour at least!" he grinned and twirled off into his magnificent changing room, complete with wall to wall (but also floor to ceiling) mirrors.

By the time he'd showered, changed, swooned over his reflection, re-applied make up, swooned some more, re-styled his hair and had his last swooning session the others were outside, assessing the damage caused by the crash.

"Doesn't look too bad," commented Toni, scrutinising the various dents and scratches that adorned the green craft "I mean, apart from the bits of charred and twisted metal and the vast amounts of rust…"

"I'm afraid the bits of charred and twisted metal and vast amounts of rust have always been there, ma'am" said Kryten,

"Yeah, They come free with any JMC transport vehicle, it's regulation!" smirked Lister, "so are we safe to fly?"

"Yes sir" replied Kryten "There appears to be no substantional damage caused to the craft…not by this crash at least…but we are indeed space worthy!"

"This thing hasn't been space worthy since it was first made," sneered Rimmer "A damp cardboard box held together by pieces of year old chewing gum would be more space worthy than this flying rust bucket!"

"Hey hey" said Cat, striding down the steps "3 guess who's looking more than usually hot today! I'll give you a clue" he grinned and pointed to himself "Aren't I just perfect?"

"You're a lot of things" said Rimmer "but funnily enough, perfect does not appear on my list!"

Cat merely glared at the bitter hologram. Jeez, it wasn't his fault Rimmer's date was suddenly put on hiatus...well actually it was, but that was beside the point. Cat had done everything he could to force Rimmer and Charlie together (well okay, not everything but again that matter was not up for discussion) but did he get any thanks for it. Did he smeg!

He froze. A strange smell reached his extra sensitive nose and made him shiver in mild puzzlement. He quietly slipped across the grass, following the strange new scent. It was coming from the beyond the trees.

"Right, so if we're good to go, lets make tracks" said Lister, he turned just in time to see Cat's hot pink jacket disappear as he made his way through the gathering of trees. "Cat man, we're goin'!"

He didn't come back. "Cat!" yelled Lister, "Come on man, we're leaving!" but he still didn't return. Lister rolled his eyes and groaned before storming towards the trees, in pursuit of the stylish creature.

After a moment or two, the trees cleared and Lister could see Cat staring at something. "What the smeg is wrong with you?" he said, "I've been yelling at you that we're leaving and…" he trailed off as he laid eyes on what Cat had been staring at, "smeg" the human managed to mutter.

If you were to take a normal, average person who hadn't been living in space for several years, they wouldn't have found this sight very interesting. In fact, they would have merely shrugged and slouched off in search of something a little less 'normal'.

But to Lister especially, this sight was something to be interested in, not because of what it was…but because of what it could mean. It hinted at something Lister had been dreaming off since coming out of stasis. People. Other people. Lots of people. An entire civilisation!

It was a road sign. A road sign that simply said "**End of the Road**"


	12. A walk on the boring side

**A/N: **Glory and halleluiah! I've actually reached the plot…well, nearly. Apologies that it took me 11 chapters to get here, the whole Rimmer and Charlie 'sexual tension' bits was only supposed to be a brief (emphasis on the word brief) sub-plot…but it somehow grew out of my control! I'd like to state now, that the following (cough) _story,_ if you could actually call it that, is weird! You have been warned…. you're reading the insanity ridden ramblings of someone with a scary imagination and a distinct lack of social life…don't blame me if half way through reading you suddenly loose your marbles (assuming you still have some)! My job searching is going terribly…I think I got turned down by McDonalds…I mean….how! Am I that unemployable?

Right, whinging and warning over! Thanks to all reviewers…and also, to any people who 'read but don't review', I'd love it if you told me what you think…. I don't mind anonymous reviews…in fact I welcome them, along with any signed reviews! Pwease review! I'll love you forever and ever!

On Saturday the 26th of November I was at a Franz Ferdinand concert…I realise this snippet of information has nothing to do with…well anything really, but I just thought I'd share that with you all…. I bought a scarf and a shirt…again; I thought you'd like to know!

Oh and ZK, Sian and Lar: where would I be without you? Sane most probably…but never mind, cheers!

* * *

It seemed that the obvious thing to do was to follow the dirt road attached to the sign, because (as Charlie reasoned) you don't just get roads on planetoids without there being some form of civilisation on them.

However, after 45 minutes of constant walking, everyone was beginning to think this wasn't such a good idea. The road had yet to show any signs that it actually led somewhere and apart from trees and grass there seemed to be nothing around. Out of all of them, Lister was the one who was least impressed by the whole 'walking thing'…it counted as exercise, something he vowed never to do! "This is boring" he whined, stumbling slightly with exhaustion

"Oh we DO apologise!" Rimmer said curtly, his voice oozing sarcasm with every syllable "maybe you'd like some 'in walking' entertainment? An issue of 'Wrecked Planet Weekly' perhaps? Or a sofa on wheels with it's own curry and beer compartment?"

"Wouldn't mind it, actually. Why don't you toddle off and invent that? Oh, wait, you'd need to have passed your engineering exam to do that!" retorted Lister with such venom that Rimmer quickly lowered his gaze to the floor and remained quiet.

There was something about the way Lister was acting towards him that made the hologram wary. The cold glares, the even colder tone of voice, the humiliating jibes at his failures…Lister was never normally this cruel, in fact it often took several hours of intense arguing for him to reach this level.

Rimmer was confused, there was technically no reason for Lister to be mad at him, they hadn't had an argument…in fact in the last 24 hours or so, they'd hardly said a word to each other….so why had Lister suddenly decided that he was angry at Rimmer! A perfectly, logical answer failed to present itself, so Rimmer pushed the whole confusing scenario to the back of his mind and concentrated on walking (not that there was anything else to concentrate on).

"I hate walking" moaned Lister, breaking the silence everyone had unwillingly slipped into "I hate it, I hate it, I hate it…it's so…pointless…if God had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented public transport!" he groaned, before saying (rather predictably) "I _hate_ walking!"

"It's not so bad" said Toni, who was by far the fittest person in the group and was coping perfectly fine with the hike "and besides, the fresh air will do you good!"

Lister shook his head in disagreement "Fresh air is overrated" he said "I mean, what can you do with the air out here that you can't do with the air back in Starbug?"

"Breathe it for one thing," said Rimmer,

"Here's an idea then" said Lister, still thoroughly smegged off by Rimmer's advances towards Charlie "Why don't you stay here, and spend a bit of 'quality time' breathing in the air and we'll" he gestured to himself and the others "go and have a look what's at the end of this road…. because, quite frankly, I've grown bored of your company…. in fact I have been doing for years now!"

Rimmer decided to fight fire with fire. If Lister was spoiling for a fight, Rimmer would give him one! "Well, Listy" he said with mock sincerity, "That sounds like an absolutely lovely idea…but you neglected to remember one small yet very significant detail…I'm a hologram so I don't breathe air because I'm _dead_!"

Unfortunately, Lister came right back at him with a smart comment "Really?" he said, voice laden with sarcasm "it's funny only you've _never_ mentioned it!"

Rimmer went to open his mouth to reply but he was rudely interrupted by Cat "Guys, we've gotta turn back right away!"

"Why?" asked Toni,

Cat swallowed nervously, and everyone couldn't help but notice how flustered he looked. "Sir, what's wrong?" asked Kryten, his panic chips already warming up.

"I'm not in the right outfit for walking long distances…" he wailed, "Trees and this suit? I'd rather _die_! And theses shoes aren't suitable for this terrain, if I'd have known we were walking in dirt, I wouldn't have worn heels!"

"So, what d'you want us to do?" asked Charlie

"Head back to Starbug so I can slip into something that won't clash with the surroundings, I'm thinking my red stripped jacket, black headband, gold tipped boots, PVC leather trousers and the silver under shirt with cute red ribbing? Stylish and practical: a combination only _I_ could pull off!"

"Let me get this straight" said Lister, "you want us to walk back to Starbug, back along that very, very, very long road just so you can get changed….then come back here and carry on going the way we were heading in the first place…the only difference being in your outfit!"

Cat's eyes darted left and right in mild confusion before he replied "Yeah". The idea of _not_ going back was completely alien to him; I mean did they really think he'd carry on clashing with the foliage! It's was unthinkable!

Rimmer looked at the stylish feline with obvious distaste; "If you get any more self centred," he said "you'll cave in on yourself!"

Cat glared back at the bitter hologram "Hey I may have a creamy caramel centre with tasteful decorating but at least i'm not a rotten hazelnut selection" he said,

Rimmer looked at everyone else, they all looked equally confused with Cat's statement "was that supposed to have a meaning of some kind" he asked,

"It means you're a smeg head" replied Cat casually

Rimmer rolled his eyes at the clichéd insult "and what does it make you then?"

Cat grinned, "Me? A stylish guy who seriously needs to go and change to keep with the fashion reputation that is expected of him!"

"Cat" said Lister, "we aint going back."

"What!" he screeched, outraged and disgusted.

"We're not going back just for you. Okay? End of story…" Lister replied, turning around and carrying on walking, the others quickly followed suit.

"You cannot be serious!" wailed the Cat, "You can't just walk off without me…I'm what gives this group style, sophistication and… Sparkly suits!"

"Do we look like we care?" Rimmer asked as he quickened his pace slightly.

Cat snorted in a mixture of anger and frustration, "You'll regret it if you walk off without me, with the exception of those two" he gestured to Toni and Charlie "it's like a Parade of the terminally ugly" still they showed no signs of turning back. "Fine" hissed Cat, crossing his arms "Be like that. I didn't want to come on this outing anyway…I'm going back"

"Okay then" said Toni, before giving a sly smile "But, well we don't actually know what's at the end of this road" she paused "it could be a very large gathering of semi-naked women who are in desperate need for some stylish stud to make love to them and for some stylish stud to make love to them and repopulate the universe... they might even be carrying large quantities of yogurt and fabric…"

Cat stopped dead in his tracks "... is the yogurt a long way away from the fabric?" he asked, turning to face Toni.

"... I guess" she replied,

"Then what are we waiting for" grinned the Cat, striding forward with a newly found sense of determination "Don't worry my pretty little ladies, Cat's on his way!"

Lister looked from Toni to Cat in confusion before shaking his head in defeat "he's a few fries short of a Happy Meal…."

"Come on" yelled Cat, already way ahead of them "We can't keep my beauties waiting!"

There was another 15 minutes of walking, unfortunately this time it was uphill. It was made slightly more annoying by Cat prancing about, singing, proclaiming how utterly gorgeous he was and checking his reflection in his 14 travel mirrors.

Just when everyone thought they couldn't restrain themselves any longer, Cat froze. He sniffed the air tentatively and frowned before sniffing once again.

"What is it?" asked Lister

"Something strange….I've never smelt anything like this before…" his frown deepened before he said "it's coming from the top of this hill…"

"Oh God, there aren't really any half naked women with yogurt are there?" Rimmer groaned as Cat began to sniff his way cautiously up the hill.

The others hung back, not really sure what to. None of them had thought to bring the bazookoids.

"Hey" Cat shouted down from the top of the hill "What d'you monkeys call lots of houses all stuck together in one place?"

"A town?" guessed Charlie

"Well I think I've just found one!" grinned Cat, obviously pleased with himself. Whilst Toni, Rimmer, Charlie and Kryten exchanged wary glances, Lister went to check if Cat wasn't having 'one of this moments',

"Smeg" he muttered, his eyes darting across the landscape "It _is_ a town!"

* * *

**Additional A/N:** I HATE THIS CHAPTER, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT! It's been a bitch to write, it's taken over 3 weeks and is just complete crap. The only good bits were written by ZK, and I got help off Sian and Lar. Thanks Guys! 


	13. The plot thickens

**A/N:** YAY! I got a job at McDonalds….urgh, why am I excited by that fact, it's only work, crap work at that…(optimistic part of the brain speaks)…yes, but it's the biggest international fast food franchise you're working for….(the very small, sane section of brain speaks) meh! Yes folks. I thought I was unemployable by all, but McDonalds took pity on this poor student and gave her a mind-numbing, demoralizing, menial job…aren't they generous! As I'm writing this, I'm sat wearing my McDonalds hat, still cringing from the last chapter I wrote, and wondering why I've got a strange, semi-psychotic orthodontist rather than a nice, normal one…oh and hating my job!

Okay, enough of my ramblings….it's time to thank my reviewers (the poor souls):

**Reddwarfaddict:** Is 'mysticy' actually a work, my spell check says 'no'….it sounds nice though….and I've got to say, that my writing did suck in that last chapter! Thanks!

**Boogle:** My computers going through it's 'life crisis' as well, perhaps mine and yours could got to a support group, and talk about their feelings, and applaud when someone stands up and says their name (that would be pretty impressive for computers, considering they don't have legs or mouths)…glad you liked the chapter. Thankies for reviewing!

**Caz-flibs: **Aaawww, you always say such nice things about my work, you rock! By the way, any updates on the horizon for 'Hidden Depths', because that fic rules! Thanks for reviewing!

**Smegginitlarge:** Yes, plot….woooooooo, spooky, but this is the 13th chapter…meh, who gives a smeg…thankies!

Once again thanks to ZK and Laura for their help!

* * *

It looked like your average suburban town, complete with several neat rows of sturdy brick 2 story houses, each with it's own neat green lawn. It was the type of place you'd like to live once your 'wilderness years' were over and you were ready to settle down.

Lister, Toni, Cat, Kryten, Rimmer and Charlie walked slowly down the empty road, tingling with excitement and anticipation. There was just one thing however which was cause for concern, a tiny nagging worry at the back of everyone's mind….it was quiet. Not just quiet, it was, if you'll forgive the cliché, too quiet! Surely there should be s_ome _sound – a car starting, children playing, a lawnmower perhaps? But no, there were no sounds at all. It was as if the whole town was dead. If it had been a western, you'd have expected a tumbleweed to come rolling past.

In the end, it was Toni who broke the eerie silence by voicing what everybody else was thinking, "Where is everyone?"

"Maybe it's a weekday," suggested Rimmer, trying to ignore the hairs on the back of his neck prickling, "like Monday morning or something…and everyone's at work?"

There was a moment of reflective silence, which did nothing to help the tense and disturbing atmosphere.

"Why don't we knock on a door?" asked Lister, still clinging to the hope that there were people on this planetoid,

"Mm hmm..." Rimmer started sarcastically. "Yep. We'll just march straight up to that door, give it a little knock, then say 'Hi! We're complete strangers who've been travelling for 3 million years in a huge spaceship! We just crashed so we wondered if you might be able to give us a little food, though two of us don't need it because I'm dead and Kryten here is a robot! Oh and don't worry about the guy with the weird teeth, he just evolved from Cats…' How would that look, ay?"

"I wasn't gonna say that actually" snapped Lister, although he was secretly embarrassed, as he was going to say something along those lines.

"I think it's a good idea" said Charlie "we'll knock on a couple of doors, see if anyone actually lives here, and if not we'll leave. Simple."

"Well of course it's simple! It's not exactly rocket science to knock on a door now is it?" Cat quipped as he sniffed the air nervously.

"Will you shut up? We should have left you back at Starbug!" Rimmer scowled as they walked up the nearest path.

"Hey, can you hear that? Cat asked after a moment, spinning round and glancing nervously at the houses

"Is it the sound of Cat getting beaten up by a smegged off Lister & Co?" asked Lister,

"No... nothing, I must have been hearing things" Cat decided sullenly, not really in the right frame of mind or outfit to get beat up.

"You know admitting you are a stupid, mental idiot is the first stage of been admitted to a hospital far far away…" Rimmer smiled sarcastically as Toni knocked on the door.

"Hello?" she yelled, loud enough for someone inside to hear. A whole minute ticked by, and the door remained unopened. Cat took matters into his own gorgeous hands by leaning down and cooing into the letter box "Hello? Anybody home?", but still no-one answered. "No-ones home!" he announced, just in case everyone else hadn't already worked that out,

"They could be home, Sir but they may not be answering the door" said Kryten,

"Now why would they do that if they knew _I_ was outside" said Cat perplexed, "Surely there must be some lonely yet lovely and sexy housewife desperate for some good lovin' from a guy with a great body, great hair and a truly brilliant fashion sense…"

"I knew we shouldn't have let him watch those 'Desperate housewives' DVD's" said Lister,

"Come on" said Toni, walking away "lets try another door…"

After eight unanswered doors, they were beginning to loose hope of meeting some other people. Lister knocked on yet another door, but this time it swung open, creaking slightly as it did so. He froze, before calling to the others and stepping over the threshold.

It felt very wrong, just walking into somebody else's house uninvited, you instantly got the impression you didn't belong there.

"Hello?" he asked hesitantly, as he entered the kitchen. No-one was there, not that it came as much as a surprise. The odd thing was, there was a pan on the stove (of pasta Lister noted with much distaste), a cup of coffee, which had long since gone cold, and a half read newspaper. It was as if whoever was using the kitchen, had just upped and left. On the other side of the room, the TV cackled and hissed with white noise. It was undoubtedly creepy!

"I don't like this…" said Rimmer, a shiver wriggling it's way up his spine as he spoke "I don't like this one bit!"

Lister didn't like it either, but he wasn't going to let on "they might just be out" he said, trying to sound convinced with what he was saying, "perhaps they left in a hurry and…forgot to lock the door!"

"Lets continue having a look around, sirs" said Kryten "the state of the kitchen suggests someone does live here. I advise we try another house, and see if we have more luck there."

With Kryten nearly always being the voice of reason and reassurance, the Dwarfers (though technically ex-Dwarfers) relaxed, and ventured off in search of another home, hopefully an occupied one. The relaxed feeling quickly disappeared as they laid eyes upon a house down the street, it's door ajar. They called, but no one answered, it seemed this house was as empty as all the others.

They gathered in the living room, desperately trying to come up with an explanation for the empty town. Lister wasn't much interested in the conversation, he leant against the door frame in a sulk, disappointed about the lack of people. He sighed and gazed towards the window at the end of the hallway, he was about to turn away when something caught his eye.

"What d'you think, Lister?" asked Toni, looking towards her boyfriend and awaiting his opinion…but he wasn't listening. He was stood at the window, staring through the blind slats. He leant closer "how the smeg did we miss _that_!" he said in complete disbelief

"Miss what?" asked Charlie

Lister pulled the blind chord exposing the window and what lay beyond it "that" he said, pointing towards a monstrous mountain of steel, a radio tower of gargantuan proportions. "It must be 200 feet high!"

"200 and 10 feet, sir" corrected Kryten

Lister gave him an incredulous look "did you have to be so precise?"

"Not really, sir" admitted Kryten "it's just nice to show off my skills now and then…"

"Look" interrupted Rimmer "I don't give a flying smeg about any 210 foot high radio tower, I'm a little more concerned about how empty this town is, it's creepy, something's got to be wrong and I for one do not want to hang around to see what it is…"

"For once, Hologram Henry is right," piped up Cat "There's a very strange smell round here that's driving my nasal hairs crazy, and that's _not_ good. I'm up for leaving, anyone else care to join me?"

"Fine" sighed Lister, finally admitted defeat "lets grab some supplies and go…"

At that moment, there came a loud crashing sound from upstairs that was quickly followed by silence, which they'd all become accustomed to. Nervous looks where exchanged before Rimmer managed to mumble "must be the wind…"

More crashes and bangs followed and everyone knew that there was no way wind could make that much noise. Someone (or something) had to be making it and that mean that this empty town was not as empty as they'd first thought.


	14. The noise!

**A/N:** Okay, I admit that I'm a terrible updater…but due to college work, Law exams, dates, McDonalds work (shudder) and numerous other appointments and events which suddenly appeared, I've not had a lot of time to write. Apologies for the lack of continuous updates and now, it's thank you time!

Hmmm….I'm sure there's something I've forgotten….oh yeah: COLLECTORMANIA ROCKED! I got Craig, Chris (who sadly weren't there), Danny and Bobby's autographs and got all giddy and hyperventilated! IT WAS AMAZING…

Thank you to: **Reddwarfaddict, smegginitlarge, Zombie Kitty (cheers for writing a bit…well a lot of this, tis quite brilliant), Caz flibs, boogle, Feline Ranger.**

I love you all!

Toodlepipski!

**Sunny**  
XXXXX

* * *

They stood there for some time, just staring at the ceiling hoping and praying the noise would stop so they could pretend it had to stopped for good before legging it.

The noise didn't stop, instead it got more frantic.

"Maybe one of us should go up there…" suggested Lister in nothing more than a whisper. No one offered, and after a whole minute of total silence (save for the bumping and shuffling from above them) he spoke again "so it's just me being brave then" he said, taking a step towards the stairs.

He gripped the banisters, in an attempt to stop himself from running off and took a deep breath. His heart hammered inside his chest and a cold sweat dripped down his back, he paused to give a reassuring smile to the others before climbing the stairs one step at a time.

He was about half way up when Cat, being his usually tactless self asked "Buddy, if you die can I have your watch?"

Lister turned to glare at him "No, you can smeg off…" he was about to carry on but stopped to say to Toni "If I do die, kill him for that remark…and don't give him my watch, okay?"

"Okay…." said Toni, wondering what all the fuss was about. Whatever was upstairs couldn't be that dangerous, could it?

The walk up the last five steps only lasted a couple of seconds, but for Lister it felt like an eternity. The sound of his heartbeat pounded in his ears, his mouth had gone dry and with each new movement he was sure something was going to spring out at him. Toni didn't exactly help when she decided to follow him and tap him on the shoulder, resulting in Lister nearly falling down the stairs as he jumped in shock.

The pair slowly made their way onto the landing; their eyes open for any movement. They checked the room to their left, empty. The same with the room on the right. That just left the room at the end. By this time the others had joined them.

The air turned sour and stale tasting, it got stuck half was down Lister's throat as he took those final and perhaps fatal steps to the closed door. Time unwilling dragged itself forward as he pushed down on the door handle and slowly slid it open.

A figure stood in the corner of the room, swaying slightly, a haunting cry in a soft yet husky tone rose from deep within their vocal chords, but they didn't respond to the unexpected intrusion.

"Are you okay?" Charlie asked as she stepped forward, only to be held back by Toni and Cat.

"Sir?...Madam? Do you need any assistance?" Kryten asked as he fumbled around to look for the Psi-scanner.

The figure ignored them, still swaying almost as if it was in tune to the low moans it made, moans that seemed to send shivers down the others spines.

Slowly the creature turned its upper body, its arm's hung limply as if only attached by a thin strand, it's head was lowered, face shielded from the Dwarfers curious gaze, eventually it began to shuffle towards them, seemingly unaware of other objects surrounding it.

"How much has this guy had to drink?" Lister asked as he rolled his eyes at the figure who continued shuffling towards them.

"I'm not sure it's drunk..." Toni said as she took a step back towards the door.

"Course it is!" Lister persisted "sober people don't walk like that…" the figure let out a long, drawn out rasping groan and stretched it's arms out towards them.

"Sorry mate, I aint got no kebabs," joked Lister

"Errrr….Lister..." Rimmer asked nervously as he too stepped back, opting to hide behind Kryten, who was still searching his bag.

"What now, _coward_?" Lister snapped but before he could find out, Toni screamed. He turned round, just as the _thing_ lunged forward, its fingers reaching, grasping and clutching at his shirt. Lister was all for telling it to 'get the smeg off' when the creature raised it's head and looked him straight in the eye.

Where its face should have been full and healthy, it was sunken and shallow, the graying skin hanging from its bones like flaky paint, ravaged by time and weather. It's eyes a sickly white colour, which held no warmth or remorse, just pure, unbridled malice. The creature opened it's mouth and half moaning, half hissing threw it's self at Lister.

He raised his arms and attempted to push the thing off, but it clung to his shirt, a sick, twisted and hungry grin plastered on its decaying features.

"I could really use some help right about now!" shouted Lister, leaning backwards to put as much distance between himself and the advancing creature. Before any of them could act, Lister's legs gave way under the weight and he collapsed onto a dressing table, scattering jars and bottles of lotions and ointments onto the floor. The creature fell on top of him, pinning him down. Lister pushed as hard as he could, and managed to add a couple of inches to the hideously small gap between himself and the 'being'.

By this time Toni had managed to run forward and tug her boyfriend free of its grip, shuddering inwardly as the creature groaned and lunged again, scrabbling at shiny wood surface of the dressing table as if it was a dehydrated man lost in the desert... of course, it wasn't a man, it was a... well what ever the smeg it was they needed to get away from it, Toni was certain of that.

Using her initiative, Toni threw Lister out of the way, kicked the thing square in the chest and sent it stumbling backwards till it fell into the en-suite bathroom, where it lay moaning for a second or two. She quickly slammed the door and, with a little help from Cat and Charlie pushed the dressing table in front of the door.

A whole minute ticked by as everyone tried to convince themselves that did actually happen! The door rattled slightly, but there was no way the thing behind it could escape.

Rimmer broke the silence at long last "who's up for leaving?" Before votes could even be cast, the hologram was halfway down the stairs and in full-blown panic mode. The others quickly followed suite, and ran after him.

They stumbled out the front door, and instantly froze.

The once empty street was now, well…not empty. About 12 or 13 'creatures', not too different from the one currently locked in the bathroom, stood swaying on the road, moaning softly. One turned it's head, and stared at the Dwarfers (or if you want to be technical, the Starbuggers) with its dead eyes before shuffling it's way forward.

Again, it was Rimmer who broke the silence "Change of plan, back inside!".

No-body needed telling twice.


	15. Z Day

**A/N:** Okay, this isn't one of my better chapters. It's been a bitch to write, but a big thank you to Ryan for helping (basically, giving me) all the sciencey type stuff. Apologies for the mini physics lesson, I promise it won't become a regular thing. Big thank you to all reviewers, I love you all so very very much!

Ta and toodles

**Sunny**

**XXXX**

* * *

"What the hell are they?" asked Rimmer, cautiously peering through the blinds at the gaggle of beings below.

"Zombies" answered Lister almost instantly

Rimmer snorted, "Don't be stupid! Kryten, what are they?"

"Zombies" responded Lister once more,

"Lister, _shut up_! If I wanted your deranged, incessant ramblings I'd ask for them, but as I don't, I won't! So kindly keep your mouth closed so that _Kryten_ can tell us what those…things are…"

"Zombies." sighed Lister, annoyed at how his obviously right answer was being ignored. The hologram merely scowled, before turning to Kryten "well?" he asked.

"Actually sir, Mr Lister is right…" replied the mechanoid, twisting his hands nervously.

"What!" cried Rimmer as Lister grinned and cheered triumphantly.

"I know, shocking isn't it!"

"Zombies?" said Charlie, sounding unconvinced,

"Yes ma'am."

"No disrespect meant here, Kryten" said Toni, "But are you sure? Zombies…it's a bit, well…. unbelievable isn't it…."

"A bit?" snorted Rimmer "It's bloody stupid! This is not some cheap B-list movie made in America by a group of rookie media students Kryten, this is real life!"

"And who says real life can't have zombies?" asked Lister, still thoroughly pleased with being right.

The hologram rolled his eyes, "Kryten. I want an explanation right now- a _logical_ one!" he added as Lister opened his mouth to repeat the word 'zombies' once more.

"I've been collecting together all the available data and I think I've come up with an answer-" he paused, mainly for effect but also to check everyone had his full attention "Mr Cat…I really must insist that you listen to what I'm about to say, as it is rather important"

Cat sighed and dragged his gaze away from his reflection in the mirror and tried to look like he was concentrating.

"This particular planetoid is an elite set of homes; it's like the 'rich' part of a town on a grander scale. A heaven for the rich and powerful where they could relax safe in the knowledge they were a couple of light-years away from 'common people'"

"Charming!" said Charlie, frowning "I'm surprised my mother doesn't have a second home here, it sounds like her kind of place."

"The problem was-" Kryten continued "That there was no television or radio reception, because of its distance from earth. Not to be deprived of their dramas, soaps and 'reality TV' shows, the residents had a radio tower built. The problem was it needed an immense amount of power to get the transmissions from earth to the planetoid. Therefore the receiver – satilites dishes and aerials – had to be boosted. This had a distinctly negative effect, the strengthen signal was refracted, so rather than ending up just at the transmission centre on the planetoid, a great deal of the radio waves where scattered over the planets surface, subjecting it's inhabitants to lethal doses of radiation."

At this point it was only Charlie who had the briefest idea about what Kryten was waffling on about; the others were just nodding to make it look like they understood (except Cat, who'd long since turned back to the mirror)

"This radiation is harmless in small doses, we'll be fine as long as we our stay on this planetoid is short"

"Well we're hardly likely to have a long vacation here are we, Kryten!" said Rimmer "For starters it's supposedly got dead people wandering round…not exactly what you want on a holiday now is it?"

The mechanoid chose to ignore Rimmer's comments as there were more pressing matters at hand. "Because the inhabitants of this planetoid were subject to the radiation all day, every day for several years it had a deadly effect, if you'll excuse the pun!" he smiled at his own joke before continuing once more "The frequency of the radio waves affected the brain tissue, and this caused the population to die, but also it mutated the brain so that, although they were technically and medically speaking 'dead' they could walk around. So to conclude, Mr Lister was right, these people are zombies!"

There was a brief moment of silence, as everyone took this in. Rimmer eventually spoke "So what you're saying…." his voice shaking slightly as he spoke "is that we're being attacked by a bunch of rich, snobby middle class zombies…"

"Yes sir."

"Oh what I'd give to have a normal life at this moment in time" the hologram groaned into his hands,

"I say we leg it" said Cat "I didn't understand a word 'Sponge Bob Square Head' was saying, but I now trouble when I smell it! And those dudes" he nodded towards the window "reek of it!"

"For once I agree with Cat" said Rimmer, snapping out of his pit of doom and despair "I'm up for leaving, anyone else care to join me!"

"And how exactly are we going to get out of the house, Rimmer" asked Lister

"The front door!" he replied, pulling a face that meant he though Lister was being stupid

"That's where the zombies are though…"

"The back door then."

"How do we know it's safe?" said Lister, secretly enjoying winding up Rimmer

"Fine!" Snapped the hologram in return "We'll wait here till they get bored and go away!"

Lister groaned "Rimmer, that won't work. They know we're in here now, and there's no way they're gonna walk away from the prospect of fresh meat!"

"Nice choice of words, Listy" he replied, glaring at him "and when did you suddenly become a leading psychologist on zombie behaviour. I didn't know you were doing a night course! Was it an Open University degree or something?"

"Rimmer, how many B-list zombie movies have I watched?" said Lister,

"Too many!"

"Enough to know how _not_ to get killed. So I suggest-"

"Whoa, whoa!" interrupted Rimmer "Who says you're in charge?"

"Me, because I know about zombies!" replied Lister, smirking at Rimmer

"So that instantly makes you leader does it! Anyway, why should we trust you….you're a no good space slob with all the usefulness as a politicians promise!"

Lister stopped and gazed out the window for a moment or two "Rimmer. This is the first time in my life I know about something that someone else doesn't. For the first time in my life, I'm the one with the answers. I'm the one who can help us out of this" he paused and stared Rimmer straight in the eye "That is…if you give me the chance to prove myself…"

Rimmer squirmed silently and he wondered what to do, "We should give him a chance" said Charlie, laying a hand on his shoulder and smiling.

"Yeah" agreed Toni "I mean, if he knows what he's talking about why the hell not! And I'm not just saying that because he's my boyfriend."

Rimmer closed his eyes and sighed "Alright" he said grudgingly "But if we die, I'm holding you responsible!"

Lister held his hands up "Sure thing man, sure thing!"

"Okay" said Toni, "So what are we going to do?"

"Well, we can't stay here. It won't be long before those guys outside try to force their way in, we need to get back to Starbug a.s.ap!" said Lister, "Problem is, we can't get past them, at least not alive, so what we need is a distraction, something that makes them move away from the house long enough to do a runner…."

"A distraction?" repeated Rimmer, nearly impressed by Lister's quick thinking "What kind of distraction?"

Lister grinned "Meat, Rimmer. Fresh meat!"

"Can you please stop saying that…" said the hologram, shuddering

"So we need a person. For bait" said Lister, paying not attention to Rimmer being over dramatic "But they'll need to be fast, athletic, they'll need to have a real sense of danger and above all, they've got to look tasty enough for a whole bunch of zombies to chase them!"

"Where are you gonna find someone like that?" asked Cat.

Lister smiled at him.

Cat smiled back, blissfully unaware of what that smile meant. After a few seconds Cat caught on, he pointed to himself shaking his head, but Lister simply nodded and grinned even more.

"No way" said Cat "No way! There is no way you can possibly make me do this! Not now, not ever. NO WAY!"


	16. Cat's Preperation

**A/N**: Not much to say really, except this story shaping up to be a long one! Big thank you to all my lovely, lovely reviews and my 'hide away' reviewers.

Big thanks to ZK for once again proving she's worth more than her weight in gold as a friend, and a big thank you for Alex, who made me write this chapter by threatening me with a Linda Barker yoga video!

Reviews appreciated!

Peace y'all :D

(ZK: Well as I only weigh 7stone, I'd hope to be worth more than my weight in gold!... Could it be chocolate gold? – I'm hungry!)

* * *

"I can't believe I'm doing this!" hissed the Cat, throwing a dirty look at Lister, who shrugged "I mean, what's wrong with me…agreeing to do something for you monkeys…badly dressed monkeys at that!"

"Badly dressed?" repeated Lister, looking down at his clothes and frowning in a hurt sort of way "What d'you mean by that!"

Cat turned to face him, disgust written all over his features "Buddy, you look like you ran naked through an Oxfam reject pile and came out dressed!"

Lister pulled a face "As oppose to looking like the result of ABBA's wardrobe coming to life and breeding?" he retorted,

Cat merely sniffed at his remark and replied "Look bud, I don't know who this ABBA dude is, but if he had as much style as I do, he's okay in my books!" deflecting Lister's insult right out of the park...well, the zombie surrounded house.

"Yeah, well when you start reading - you let us know!" Rimmer muttered from the other side of the room.

"Oh please - Like I'd be hurt by anything you say - you're wearing fabric bubble wrap for smegs sake!" smirked Cat.

Rimmer glared at him, then stormed past the en-suite bathroom door (which was still rattling as the zombie attempted to claw its way out) and down the stairs in a huff. Lister waited till he'd reached the bottom step before speaking "Please man, you're the best for this job-"

"No" correct Cat, laughing slightly "The job I'm best for is removing a large quantity of strawberry yoghurt from the bodies of several beautiful women in a variety of interesting and exciting ways…now if you were asking me to do that, then I'd have accepted with no hesitation…but you're not, so…tough luck man, find another person to be bait!"

"Please" begged Lister "P-l-e-a-s-e! I'll never ask you do anything else ever again as long as I live…I swear!"

Cat mulled this over "Okay" he said eventually "On one condition….I get a kiss off Toni and Charlie!"

"No way!"

"No deal!" said the Cat, turning away and inspecting his nails,

"Okay, okay" snapped Lister, "ONE kiss off each of them….on the cheek, and it means nothing okay? Absolutely nothing!"

"To you maybe…" grinned the feline suggestively, before sliding over to the wardrobe and rifling through its contents "Too dark…too stripy….too casual, way too ugly…urgh…tweed! You gotta be kidding me!"

"What are you doin?" demanded Lister, "you just said you'd help us out!"

"I am" replied Cat, not even bothering to look at Lister "Just as soon as I've got the right outfit, I can't go out looking like this. Pink and decaying flesh! I'd rather die! It'd be a travesty!"

Lister rolled his eyes and groaned, but decided against arguing - In case Cat changed his mind. He wandered down stairs to see Charlie and Rimmer peering out the window at the zombies.

"Lister" said Rimmer, as he heard him approaching "Y'know how you never knew your parents…"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I think we've found them" he grinned and pointed to the zombies below "In fact, I think we've found your entire family…and by the looks of it you're the one with the brains…and the looks!"

Lister smiled at him sincerely, "Rimmer. You're an arsehole. Don't forget that!" before walking into the living room, knowing if he stayed close to the hologram for more than a second, he'd end up killing him.

Unfortunately for Rimmer, he wasn't aware of Lister's overwhelming desire to kill him at this precise moment in time, and he followed the human in a bid to find out what he'd done wrong.

"What's the matter?" he asked, closing the door behind him,

"You know damn well what the matter is Rimmer!" Lister replied bitterly

The hologram blinked "Of course, that's why I asked 'what's the matter?' because I actually know what's wrong…." he said sarcastically. "Point is, you've been really nasty to me all day and I don't know why…" he paused "and I don't much care. There's slightly more important things going on at the moment, and they're just outside the window. Normally I'm not one to walk away from an argument, but can we put this one on hold till we get back to Starbug?"

Lister stared at him for a moment or two, twirling a pen round his fingers whilst he thought about this "Okay…."

Rimmer tried to smile, and thought of a topic of conversation that would not give Lister cause to be angry with him again. This took a bit of time. After a few minutes Rimmer noticed how incredibly restless Lister was, he'd taken to tapping the pen against his hand in an agitated way whilst staring at the wall, biting his lip.

"Are you okay?" he asked, making Lister jump "you seem a bit tense…"

Lister dropped the pen and collapsed back against the sofa, running his hands through his hair and groaning "I chose the wrong day to give up smoking…."

Rimmer's eyebrows rocketed skywards in shock "you've given up smoking?" The idea of Lister without cigarettes was completely alien to him. It didn't fit. It was like day without night, the stars without the moon, an episode of Trinny and Susanne where they didn't fondle their 'contestant' – Not even once!

Lister nodded sulkily, and stared at a spot on the wall in the hopes of diverting his attention away from the fact his nicotine levels were way down low!

The hologram tilted his head slightly to one side "This was Toni's idea wasn't it?"

Rimmer instantly wished he hadn't said that. Lister turned on him so quickly, you'd swear he was possessed "Actually, I decided to do this for myself, I don't need my girlfriend controlling every aspect of my life. And don't you dare even think about mentioning that whole 'me being under her thumb' thing or I'll tear you limb from limb, so just shut the smeg up and stay outta my way!" he got up and stormed from the living room, slamming the door on his way out.

"Coping with it fine then" Rimmer muttered to himself, half smiling.

It took Cat the best part of 2 hours to prepare himself for his task. By this time the other Dwarfers had all gathered in the living room, glancing from the clock to the window, to the ceiling all wondering when Cat was actually going to make an appearance.

"Step aside Blade, Cat's taking the limelight!" Came his voice from the door.

He was dressed in a striking silver polo necked t-shirt, a black jacket and tight black trousers with a hipster belt adapted to carry various knives along with a shoulder holster for a gun. He'd combed his dark hair back into a pony tail (practical yet stylish) and wore a black head band that only added to the over all macho-ness of the outfit.

It was actually quite amazing how he'd managed to create such a dynamic and striking outfit in such little time, with such few resources.

"Blade fought vampires, not zombies" corrected Lister, barely even looking at his outfit.

Cat glared at him "Yeah but I look better than him!" He retorted before twirling round gracefully. "By God I'm gorgeous" he grinned "I should get a medal or something…just for being me. I'm so good at it!"

"Are you still gonna do it?" asked Rimmer warily "You did promise!" He was worried that in the time between now and when Cat agreed to act as bait, he'd casually changed his mind.

"Yep, but there was one condition…" he grinned, and ran a tongue across his dazzlingly white teeth.

"What was it?" asked Toni, unaware she was part of the condition.

"You and Charlie have gotta kiss him" said Lister, still not happy with the whole thing, but they had no choice.

Toni and Charlie looked at each other before shrugging, they walked up to Cat and each gave him a peck on the cheek, whilst Lister and Rimmer could only watch.

It wouldn't have been though humanely possibly, but Cat's grin widened, his eyes lit up and for a few second he was stood in a complete daze. When he was finally able to regain some of his composure, he joked "Typical, I finally pulled two girls and now I'm forced to sacrifice my beautiful body as a result…the curse of being gorgeous!"

"You've pulled no-one mate, now smeg off!" said Lister warningly, trying to steer him from the room.

They opened the back door (being careful that there were no zombies in the garden) and walked out. Cat brushed some imaginary dirt off his jacket and checked his reflection in the windows.

"D'you know what you've gotta do?" asked Rimmer

"Yep" replied Cat, clearly not listening "Move the dead dudes away from the house, give 'em the slip, Come back to get you, go home, get changed, wash hair, pluck eyebrows-"

"I think he's got it!" interrupted Toni, knowing how long Cat's list of ablutions would be if he going.

"Do it for your suits, man" smiled Lister, patting him on the back

Cat nodded gravely before leaping gracefully onto the fence. He perched for a few seconds, and waved at the others before dropping down on the other side, into the unknown...


	17. Something Slightly More Sinister

**A/N:** Yay! I wrote this in one go! Sorry for the gap between updates: exams are nigh and my free time is getting sucked into a big whirlpool of revision, book reading, note taking, panicking, stressing and all manner of things that I don't enjoy one bit. I promise once my exams are over I'll write more, but at the moment I'd like to concentrate on getting some decent AS levels!

BIG BIG BIG thank you to all reviewers. I love you all so much! And again, a big thank you to ZK for being a constant source of creativity, help and support. Who else could I possible ask for help when writing a zombie fan fiction than the girl who's nickname includes the damn things!

Peace out y'all! Rock on:D

* * *

Cat glanced back at the fence he had just jumped off and shivered, partly because the air was a bit chilly, but mostly because he had talked himself into separating from the rest of the group and running around as zombie bait... then again he did get a kiss from each of the girls!

Keeping that memory close at hand, he strode purposefully forward, his dark eyes searching the street for any signs of 'life'. He spun round, just to check nothing was behind him before leaping forward, rolling along the floor before landing gracefully on his feet. He grinned before screaming "Gah…._dirt_" he feverishly began dusting down his jacket, hoping to God it wouldn't stain.

It didn't, thankfully.

He made a note to be more careful in future before creeping forward again. He'd barely gone more than a few meters before he stopped. He cautiously sniffed the area before recoiling in disgust. He clamped a perfectly manicured hand over his nostrils and gagged. The smell of rotting flesh filled the air like a putrid cloud of radioactive vapour. It seeped into his nasal cavities, dripped down the back of his throat and made his stomach churn.

He must be close.

As he got closer and closer to the front of the house, the smell (although smell was a huge understatement for the intense stench) got worse to the point where Cat felt like he was going to collapse. He gave his head a little shake to try and regain some control, rolled his shoulders back, checked his reflection in his pocket mirror and was off.

"Hey" he shouted to the crowd of zombies clawing at the front door, slowly a couple turned their heads to the source of the noise "Yeah you…the rotting freaks with less brains than the maggots inside of you!" they began stumbling towards him, their withered and bony fingers reaching out for him, moaning and rasping in longing.

Cat flashed them a grin, allowing them to get less than a metre away before pouncing backwards. Sure enough they carried on after him, their moaning becoming more desperate. He ran a little further down the street before spinning on his heel "Hey! Dead people!" he called to the gaggle of zombies "Want to eat? Why go after 'out of date' humans when you can have prime quality meat right here?" By that point, every zombie was now in hot pursuit of him, "...that's it" he grinned, walking backwards waving at them "follow the stylish kitty..." he said, before running off.

From the safety of the house, the others watched Cat in a mixture of horror and admiration. They had to hand it to him, he had style and courage! Even Rimmer was grudgingly forced to admit had done a pretty okay job at moving the zombies away from the house

"What now?" asked Charlie

"We leg it" explained Lister, tearing himself from the window. He had full confidence in Cat that he'd lead the zombies far enough away for them to make an escape…well maybe not full, say 65 percent, but it was defiantly half of his confidence at least! "We'll double back on ourselves; see if we can find a short cut to that road we came down. Grab Cat and get the smeg outta here!"

He walked down the stairs, trying to ignore the hairs prickling at the back of his neck, a sign of trouble for sure and peered out into the street. Empty. He gestured for the others to follow before setting off in the opposite direction to Cat. He stopped for a second or two and looked for him, but he'd moved out of view.

"Good luck, man" Lister muttered before heading off again.

Cat was feeling very, very pleased with himself. Not only had his managed to lead the zombies away from the house (as he was told to do) but he managed to give them the slip (as per instructed) and found time to pluck his eyebrows. How's that for time management.

Giving the dead guys the slip wasn't half as difficult as Cat had first thought. All he had to do was run far enough ahead so he was out of their sight, hide and wait for them to go stumbling past (which took a very long time…long enough for him to have a nap) and bingo. No more pesky zombies hot on his tail.

At this precise moment in time he was working his way across a field to the back of the houses. He was hoping that by going this way he could meet up with the others and avoid the zombies all in one go.

He was doing fine till something grabbed onto his ankle. He let out an involuntary scream and tried to scramble away as a freshly animated corpse clawed its way out of its shallow grave. It kept hold of Cat's ankle with a vice-like grip and it grinned at him hungrily. Cat frowned; not caring about the long term wrinkling it could cause and tried to wrench his leg free. The zombies grip loosened enough for Cat to try and make his escape, but unfortunately it clung onto his shoe instead.

That was when Cat got mad.

"Buddy" he spat "Never _ever _mess with a guys shoes!" With a quick burst of superhuman strength he kicked the zombie away, stamped on his scraping hands and beating it into submission. He stepped back, somewhat breathless "Zombies: 0. Cat: 6.5" He'd actually only got 1 point for defeating the zombie, he'd earned the other 5.5 for being devilishly good looking and stylish whilst doing it.

He flipped out his pocket mirror, to check he still looked as gorgeous as ever. He grinned "I'd go as far as to say 7!" he glanced back to his reflection "Aaaawww, who am I kidding…8!"

He pocketed the mirror and set off again. He carried on till he reached the street again. Part of him was hoping the others had got away safely, the other part was swooning over how utterly gorgeous he looked in this outfit. He stopped dead in his tracks as he heard something….after a few seconds he came to the conclusion it wasn't zombies. It was the others. They weren't too far away. He smoothed down his hair and followed both the noise and the smell of them.

He shivered slightly as he headed deeper and deeper into the town….knowing that some serious trouble was just around the corner.


	18. More trouble

**A/N:** Just a quick note to say 'thank you' to all my lovely, lovely reviewers. I adore you all!

* * *

The human mind is very wondrous but screwed up thing. It can manipulate your senses, sending you spiralling into a deep, dark pit of paranoia and fear in a nanosecond, or it can impair your judgement with the release of a few chemicals far too complicated and boring to name at this precise moment.

So it was hardly surprising that Lister, Toni, Kryten, Charlie and Rimmer were more than a little nervous as they made their way down the deserted street in the hopes of meeting up with Cat. Every little sound roared in their ears, they jumped at the slightest movement. Basically, they were nervous wrecks.

Toni stopped dead in her tracks "What was that?" she asked, causing the others to come to a complete stand still as well as they strained their ears. There was a collective shiver as they heard something scrape against the fence just to the left of them. They quickly stumbled backwards as a pair of hands clawed at the top before they slid off again and an 'arrgggghhh' could be heard.

Lister recognised it instantly, "its okay. It's only Cat."

"Only Cat!" came an angry hiss from the other side of the fence "Careful buddy, you nearly made me sound like your normal, average, run of the mill guy there!" He leapt on top of the fence and grinned. "Lost my footing" he explained, "I was looking in the mirror so it didn't get my full attention"

"I'm surprised you can divide up your attention" said Rimmer "seeing as there's so little of it!"

Cat straightened the collar of his jacket and merely glared at him. Whenever Rimmer annoyed him with a comment like that, he simply reminded himself that even when looking his worst, Cat was always a million times better looking than 'Old never-ending Nostrils'!

"You get away okay?" asked Lister

Cat nodded "Was there ever any doubt?" he asked, smugly.

"Yes." Said Rimmer "Several truck loads of it in fact!"

"So no problems then?" asked Toni, stepping in before Cat could retaliate. He gave the hologram one last withering glare before answering her.

"Nothing I couldn't handle. Although one of those decomposing dummies did try to grab hold of my gorgeous shoes. There I was walking along, when it grabbed my ankle and then begins scratching at my shoes - the nerve of that dude!"

"Hang on" said Lister "That can't be right!"

"What can't be right?" asked Charlie

"That zombie that nearly got Cat couldn't have come from a grave-" he explained, frowning slightly

"Granted I'm not the sad-sap who's developed a wide - and I use the word loosely -knowledge on zombies, but isn't that where they usually come from? Graves?" said Rimmer snidely,

"It's a common misconception. There's no way a zombie could ever climb its way out of a grave. They've got the same strength as a human" he looked at Rimmer and grinned "D'you reckon you could claw you're way out of a coffin with 6 feet of dirt on the top?"

"Why don't we try it and see" suggested Cat eagerly

It was Rimmer's turn to shoot the 'death glares' before diverting his attention back to the matter in hand "Then what explanation do you have for it being in the ground then?" he snapped

Lister waited a second before answering "Murder." He said simply. The colour drained out of Rimmer's face whilst the rest of the group looked equally nervous.

"Murder?" the hologram managed to choke "B-but this….this planetoid, it's an elite set of homes, owned by rich, cultured albeit snobby middles class people…."

"That doesn't mean that this planetoid is exempt of all crime sir" said Kryten "With great money come great problems. A planet this size would have encountered drug traffickers, organised crime officials, black market billionaires – it would be an ideal place for most crimes, what with it being somewhat secluded, poorly policed and away from the public eye."

"This place is more sinister than we first thought" said Charlie, chewing her nails, something she hadn't done since she was a teenager.

"Indeed ma'am, and my suggestion is we try and get back to Starbug as soon as possible" clucked the mechanoid, his anxiety chip whirring away.

Unfortunately they didn't get the chance.

There came the now all too familiar groan, and a spine chilling scraping and shuffling of the un-dead as they 'hurried' towards the group.

"I thought you said you got rid of them' said Rimmer, in a somewhat hysterical manner

"I did!" said Cat, scrambling backwards, he glanced between the horde of zombies and the hologram "tell 'em to stop!" he called to Rimmer

"What! Why me?"

"You're dead. They're dead – you've got common ground!" the feline wailed,

Rimmer swallowed before trying to smile charmingly (well, as charmingly as you can when there's a large group of zombies stumbling their way towards you, hungry for brains) "Listen." He said, each syllable oozing utter cowardice "I'm sorry that you're dead, I understand entirely how you feel having 'popped my own clogs' a few years ago…" he paused, hoping that would be enough, but the un-dead still continued forward at a surprisingly speedy pace "but is this really the way to deal with your death…hunting us down and tearing us into tiny pieces? That is what you zombies do isn't it? Tear the living into pieces before they join your ruthless army of the un-dead?" He was babbling, like he often did when nervous. "Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that can't you find another way to vent your frustrations…a hobby or something….or maybe you could try pouring all your hate, spite, bitterness and resentment into 1 single person – I'm sure Lister won't mind!"

"Oh thanks a smeggin' lot Rimmer" said Lister, "Last time I save your arse from an attack from a supposedly fictional horror movie creature…"

"What now?" asked Toni, getting a bit worried about how close those zombies were getting

"Ask Lister" snapped Rimmer, "He's the _expert!_"

"Run!"

That one word was enough to get everyone moving. The problem was the zombies were forcing them deeper and deeper into the town, and therefore forcing them further and further away from Starbug. Thankfully, they managed to put enough distance between themselves and the zombies to walk rather than run.

"What can we do?" whimpered Rimmer, feeling light headed with all the panicking.

"We need some weapons," said Lister, "The only way we're ever gonna get off this planetoid _alive_ is if we have summat to fight back with."

"So you just expect us to go waltzing into town and into the nearest shop that specializes in anti-zombie warfare weapons?" snapped the hologram

"Wow" said Cat, "They've got a shop for everything nowadays!"

"Cat – shut up. Rimmer – shut up!" said Lister, thoroughly fed up with the pair of them "And yes Rimmer, we are going to take a walk into the town, see what weapons we can grab and then concentrate on staying alive. Now if you've got a problem with that, speak up now so I can beat the crap out of you…"

Rimmer waited a second or two before raising his hand "I move we get a new leader – I don't like the way Lister's handling things!"

Lister sighed but ignored him "There's got to be more zombies around here somewhere, so we've got to try our best not to get spotted. So keep your eyes and ears open, okay?"


	19. The Perfect Weapon?

**A/N**: Urgh, exams, revision, work, exams, revision, work, tedious monotony of life…meh…how I loath it!

Oh well, here's an update….tis kinda crappy but meh, I need to get things moving…

Reviews appreciated, thanks to all reviews: you rock!

Toodles!

**Sunny **

**XXX**

* * *

The trouble with a being a group of people in a particularly unnerving situation is that you all unwittingly fall into a deathlike silence. You're scared to speak in case you cause a major distraction away from the thing that's causing this situation to be unnerving in the first place. So it was hardly surprising that they all jumped when they heard a blood curdling scream from the back of the group.

"I've broke a nail!" wailed Cat, clutching his hands, tears threatening to ruin his perfect eye make up.

The others turned to stare at him in complete disbelief. Their hearts were still hammering inside their chests, and their tempers were reaching boiling point at Cat's pointless, melodramatic tantrums.

"Who cares!" snapped Lister, just about managing to hold himself back from strangling the self cantered feline.

"I care" hissed Cat, still tending to his now ruined fingernail "I didn't just double coat these beauties, I _treble_ coated them. I buffed them to perfection, smoothed their slightly ragged edges into a delicate curve…these aren't nails…these babies are works of art! I'm like that painter dude, what's his name…Leonardo Dicaprio!"

"Da Vinci" corrected Charlie

"That's the smegger" grinned Cat

"You are totally un-be-smeggin'-lievable" said Lister "Here we are on a planet filled with zombies with no weapons, no immediate escape –"

"And with Lister as leader!" chipped in Rimmer

"And with me as lea-" repeated Lister before stopping and glaring at the hologram. He then continued with his rant at Cat "And the only thing you can do is whinge on about your clothes or your hair or your nails - you're shallower than a puddle in a drought. Frankly Cat, no one here gives a smeg about your appearance, we're slightly more concerned with getting off this planetoid alive, so shut the smeg up before I ram those shoes where the sun don't shine!"

Cat was quiet for a second or two. He sneered at Lister with obvious distaste before saying icily "Just because I take some pride in the way I look…when was the last time you cleaned your nails…they're like an archaeologist wet dream!"

Lister shot Cat a look and suddenly turned and grabbed him by his collar. "For ONCE in your life would you mind caring more about whether we are going to survive the next few hours instead of 'Oh gawd my whole appearance is wrecked by something small and insignificant!'?" He spat, looking almost like he was going to hit the feline. Clearly being a non-smoker didn't suit Lister as much as he'd imagined.

"Dave." Toni said softly, touching his shoulder. Lister relaxed and let Cat go.

"Thanks for messing up my collar!" Cat hissed, causing Lister to nearly tackle him to the floor in anger - but Toni's hand on his shoulder kept him under control.

"And I _do_ care." Cat muttered quietly, his words starting yet another deathly silence as he stormed on a few paces ahead of the rest of the group.

Lister groaned and dragged a hand down his face. Was he supposed to act like this? Is this all perfectly normal for when you're trying to give up ciggies – uncontrollable outburst and temper tantrums? His thoughts were broken by Toni giving him a quick peck on the cheek and a reassuring smile.

He tried to smile back but found it physically impossible – the current situation and his arguments with Rimmer and Cat were making it hard to feel any positive emotion.

Charlie decided now would be a good time to change the subject "Where we gonna get these weapons from then?"

It was incredibly fortunate that the planetoid had a hardware store. God forbid if it had been one of those elite, high class settlements where they simply call out repairmen/garders/electrions/plasters/plumbers/joiners whenever they were needed.

Unfortunately, the metal shutters had been pulled down, and there was no way of getting them up without causing a horrendous amount of noise and therefore advertising themselves as an 'all you can eat buffet'.

"We'll have to try the back" said Lister "They might have door or window we can break or summat"

And luckily, there was a door. Unluckily it was locked.

Lister rattled the door handle in an attempt to break the bolt, but it was locked tight. He didn't see this as a complete disaster though. He'd learnt a thing or two growing up in Liverpool. Skills which aren't recognised by many to be valuable or even legal.

He gave the door a fairly powerful kick, the wood buckled slightly but the door remained stubbornly shut.

Rimmer was obliged to roll his eyes as Lister took a few steps backwards and ran at that door side on. There was a fairly loud smashing noise as Lister and the door made physical contact, but still the door refused to let them in.

Rubbing his now aching shoulder, Lister clambered to his feet. Now he had hurt shoulder and hurt pride to add to his lists of 'why today is not a good day'.

"Here babe" said Toni "let me"

"I wouldn't bother" said Lister sourly, trying to work some life back into his dead shoulder "It's not gonna budge"

Toni dealt a neat kick right in middle. Wood splintered and cracked as the lock was wrenched apart, and the door flew open without so much as a creak.

Lister stared at his girlfriend and then the door in disbelief. "I must have loosened the lock for you…" he said sheepishly,

Rimmer couldn't resist smirking. "Yeah" he said in his most favourite patronising voice "Course you did"

Lister moved forward to inflict as much pain as humanly possible, but Toni grabbed hold of him, steered him into the hardware store and performed that look that made him behave.

"What kind of weapon do we need ,bud?" asked Cat, appearing to have completely forgotten his and Lister's argument some ten minutes before.

"Heavy, blunt objects" said Lister, "The only way to 'kill' a zombie is by removing the head or destroying the brain."

"So things like spades or cricket bats? They okay?" asked Toni, her eyes wandering round the shelves of the hardware store.

"Yeah"

Rimmer sighed and gazed around the store. He caught Charlie's eye and smiled "regretting your decision?" he asked. Charlie frowned "Joining us" explained Rimmer "It's hardly 'stress free' is it? You've been here 2 days and already you're being terrorised by things that want to kill you…contrary to what I said!"

She laughed "It's been interesting, I'll give you that." She found herself blushing as Rimmer looked deep into her eyes "I'd erm….better go and get some kind of weapon…" she quickly slipped away before the urge to jump up and ravish him to within an inch of his life got too big to control.

"Ohh yes" came Toni's voice from the other side of the room, she grinned and held up a lethal looking gun "Now we're talking"

"Where'd you find that?" asked Rimmer,

"This cupboard here, there's loads of them!" she checked the gun. It was fully loaded.

"Can you use it?" asked Lister, eyeing the gun warily.

Toni raised an eyebrow, turned around, held the gun over her shoulder and fired 3 shots that embedded themselves into the dart board on the other wall, earning her 180 points.

Lister said nothing till he'd gently eased the gun out of Toni's hands "I don't think the guns a good idea…"

"But I can use it though" whined Toni, pouting slightly

"Yeah, I know" said Lister, dropping the gun on a nearby table "And that's what worries me!"

"Wouldn't a gun be useful though?" asked Rimmer, picking up another small hand pistol and examining it.

"No" said Lister flatly, "Not unless you can make that 1 shot that'll completely blow a zombies head off – and I doubt you can do that." he added, smirking slightly "So just put the gun down and shut the smeg up."

Rimmer merely glared back at him, before slipping the gun into his pocket just to go against what Lister had said.

This simple act would become the second best decision he ever made in his entire life.


	20. Worse and worse

Rimmer was panicking. It was something he often did in a stressful, dangerous situation. And who could blame him...he was about to waltz out into a zombie ridden town, armed with only a shovel that felt like it couldn't dig it's way through some soggy soil let alone a zombie's skull!

"Do we have to go out there?" said Rimmer, backing away from the open door, clutching his shovel for dear life.

"Well, yeah if we wanna escape" said Toni, tightening her grip on the baseball bat she'd found.

Rimmer gulped and made no attempt to move, the colour had long since drained from his face and his stomach was rolling and churning about like the contents of a washing machine tumbling down a hill.

"You're not scared are you, sir?" asked Kryten

"Scared" laughed Rimmer "Of course I'm smegging scared! We're stranded on a zombie infested planet with nothing but DIY tools and gardening implements for weapons and the one thing that stands between us and certain death is the wit, brains and cunning of Lister, who thinks a parsnip is some kind of albino carrot!"

"Well, at least I know Gazpacho soup is _supposed_ to be served cold!" retorted Lister,

Sensing another 'Rimmer V Lister' showdown, Kryten intervened. "I think you're being slightly pessimistic towards Mr Lister's abilities, sir. I have full confidence in him being able to get us off this Godforsaken planetoid, and it would probably make the whole ghastly experience a bit more bearable if you kept your comments to yourself. I understand that being the natural coward that you are" Rimmer glared at him "this situation is hardly the most relaxing you've ever experienced, but your negative attitude towards anything and everything is getting rather distracting…" he smiled "So lets just to try to look on the bright side shall we sir?"

"The bright side?" snapped Rimmer "Kryten, our 'bright side' is darker than Tim Burtons imagination!"

"Still" said Charlie, "Kryten's got a point. We stand a better chance of getting out of here alive if we stay positive." She sneaked a glance at Rimmer "It'd make things easier."

Normally, if one of the others had said that to Rimmer, he'd have launched into another one of his now legendary rants, hurling all the insults he knew at them till his voice box refused to work, but because it was Charlie, he just smiled back.

"Ready to go then" grinned Toni, "I'm in the mood to go kick some zombie butt!"

"Me too" said Cat, waving his silver crowbar about "And for once my accessories match my ensemble – how lucky can you get?"

"Alright" said Lister, with grim determination "Keep your eyes and ears open, and if you've gotta defend yourself, go for the head. Okay?"

They cautiously stepped out back into the street and carried on deeper and deeper into the town centre. Their plan was to see if they could take a shortcut back to the houses in order to avoid all the zombies Cat had led away. Well, that was the plan. Pity it didn't go quite how it was supposed to.

Cat stopped "Wow" he said, gazing through the window of an expensive boutique, his eyes glazed, a joyous smile playing on his gorgeous lips "I'd look great in that!"

"Cat man, it's a skirt!" said Lister,

The feline turned to give Lister a strange look "So" he said casually "I have great legs…why not show them off? Share a little bit of the joy!"

Lister shook his head and walked off, leaving Cat glued to the window. He recoiled in horror "Urgh, who'd put an ugly manikin in clothes like that! It's a travesty!" The manikin then growled and stumbled forward, dragging it's decaying fingers down the glass and staring unblinkingly at Cat, who grinned "Just browsing thanks" he said before dashing off.

He'd barely gone a few steps before he stopped again, and slowly turned around. His eyes widened in horror and his usual sexy grin slithered off his face.

The others meanwhile, had their own set of problems to worry about.

"Smeg" murmured Lister as he saw what lay ahead of him.

As I expect you've already guessed, it was zombies.

Lots of them.

Hundreds; male zombies, female zombies, adult zombies, children zombies, old age zombies. The point I'm trying to make here is that there was an awful lot of zombies, and they were heading towards Lister and the others wearing a look favoured by fat Americans around a free 'all you can eat' buffet.

Before they'd even been given a chance to start panicking about the imminent zombie army, they heard Cats voice "Erm, guys. I think we have a small problem!"

'Small problem' being such a huge understatement that it ran its own self help classes for other understatements which think they just aren't understating the best to their ability.

Behind Cat stood another hundred or so zombies.

"Double smeg" said Lister,

Rimmer was torn between fainting, screaming or running around in a small circle, flapping his hands about in a nervous fashion. In the end, he opted to ask Lister what to do "What the smeg should we do?" he wailed,

"I thinkin' man" said Lister "I'm thinkin'!"

"Lister, now is not the time to try something new!" screamed the hologram, feeling a cold sense of fear wrap itself around his insides.

"Good point. RUN!"

"RUN WHERE?" Rimmer panicked as the many zombies closed in around them.

"Anywhere!" Lister screamed back at him,

"Oh that's ok then! How about over there!" Rimmer said sarcastically, with a nod of his head. "Oh wait - There's flesh eating zombies over there! Silly me!"

"Stop talking - Start moving!" Toni shouted back exasperatedly at the pair as she grabbed Lister, dashed and darted her way through the zombies and led the group ran down an alleyway which led to the town's mall.

"Oh fantastic" wailed Rimmer, collapsing against a wall as Lister and Cat closed and bolted the door they'd just ran through "Now we're stuck in a zombie surrounded mall, as if this situation wasn't enough of a cliché!"

He'd given up on trying to remain positive, he'd given up on trying to remain calm…from this point on it all 'doom, gloom and panic'!

He looked up as he spotted something shuffling about from the corner of his eye. It was a rather portly security guard, or to be precise a rather portly zombie security guard.

Rimmer sighed and banged his head against the wall "God" he said "You must really hate me!"


	21. Seperate Ways

A/N: To ZK, for having too much free time and too big an imagination! (holds up a glass) I'd have filled it with some form of drink, but time is money y'know! What else can I say except 'you're fab' and 'what would I do without you?'! And also to Sian and Corrine for being very very very very very helpful whilst writing this chapter, giving me words of encouragement and inspiration! Yay!

To all reviewers – THANK YOU!

Peace out y'all!

**Sunny**

XXXXX

* * *

There were certain things that Rimmer just didn't want to see – like his parents having sex for example or Hollister stark naked, running in slow motion….another thing he didn't want to see, which only recently came to exist on his list of 'Things I really don't want to see _ever_' was a zombies head being smashed in with a crow bar.

It was, for want of a better word, quite quite gross.

There was a sickening, skull shattering crunch as the crow bar came into contact with the zombies head, then there came a slippery, sloppy sounding _splat_ noise as various bodily fluids were sent flying through the air, followed by a 'thud' as the zombie crumpled to the floor.

The walls of the mall were now coated in zombie blood, brains and bone. Rimmer closed his eyes and hastily turned away for fear of being sick.

Gross didn't seem to give an ample description anyway – utterly, completely and totally, unconditionally repulsive still didn't come close to describing how truly disgusting it was.

He wasn't the only one who held this opinion. Toni shuddered "Ewwww!" and Kryten gagged at the thought of trying to get those pesky stains off that wall.

Cat would too have looked disgusted had he not been so pleased with himself. He'd just smacked off a zombie's head quite spectacually to save the others and all he got was a few "ewwww's" and an odd disgusted look.

The feline sniffed but rose above the looks and after bringing out a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe away the zombie guts from his trusty crowbar, he moved over to the others who were discussing their next plan of action.

"It'd be handy if we could get a map" said Lister, feeling distinctly queasy after watching the zombie death "That way we could plan a proper escape route"

Rimmer said nothing. Normally, he'd have found flaws in Lister's idea, subjected them to severe exaggerated before presenting them to the rest of the group, complete with snarky comments and 'death glares'…..but he just didn't have it in him. It was as if this whole planet was draining his life-force, sucking out whatever enthusiasm he had to pick a fight with Lister, leaving him weak and obedient.

"So everyone take a look around" said Lister "Give a shout if you see anything" Sighing and rubbing his pain filled temple, he walked away from the others.

God, he would kill for a cigarette right about now... though he already was sort of killing - If killing the undead counted as killing…which it probably did in the literal sense.

He sighed and wandered over to look in the window of some costume shop out of boredom, and then he noticed them - the pack of cigarettes on the counter, calling out to him.

Surely one cigarette couldn't hurt? He looked over at the others but they were too busy stressing about the zombie situation to notice. Lister walked over to the door and hoped it was unlocked - For the first time today his prayers were answered and the door opened with the smallest of squeaks. He slipped inside and over to the counter. He picked up the cigarettes fondly; suddenly a small crunch made him jump and he looked over to the back of the shop.

It was too dark to see anything much but he crept forward with wary curiosity. He was about to look round the corner when a hand on his shoulder caused him to yelp.

"Shhhh! It's only me." Charlie said quickly as Lister spun round. She looked at the cigarettes and smirked. "Toni's gonna kill you….."

"Not if the cigarettes and zombies kill me first." Lister muttered with a hint of bitterness.

"Awww, don't be so melodram-" she froze "What was that?" Charlie asked as she turned and stared into the darkness as they heard the noise again.

"I dunno, I don't want to find out either." Lister replied as Rimmer hovered at the door.

"Will you two come on? The others have gone on to try and find another exit." He explained as he walked over to Charlie and Lister.

"Okay man." Lister said with a reluctant sigh as he slipped the pack of ciggies into his pocket.

"Think there's an exit round here?" Rimmer asked as he moved round Charlie and further to the back of the shop and gazing into the gloom

"I don't know but..." Charlie began as she looked at Rimmer, but suddenly froze

"But what?" Rimmer asked with concern, feeling the hairs on the back of his neck prickle

"But I think that's a zombie..." Charlie said with a slight gasp, she grabbed Rimmer's arm and yanked him backwards as a gaunt looking zombie came stumbling out of the darkness, groaning and flailing its arms.

"Oh smeg! Where's Cat and his crowbar when you need them?" Lister grumbled as he and Charlie ran back out of the shop, Rimmer in tow.

They skidded across the shiny floor into the centre of the mall. Toni, Cat and Kryten were nowhere to be seen.

"Toni!" shouted Lister, his voice echoing eerily off the walls and bouncing about the empty building. "Kryten? Cat?"

He looked desperately at Rimmer and Charlie, who were looking equally as lost and panicky. The zombie from the fancy dress shop was shuffling its way towards them as another appeared from the left and a third came into view on the first floor.

"This way" yelled Rimmer, nodding towards an expensive looking shoe shop that catered for women who were fond of wearing expensive, uncomfortable and impractical shoes.

He took hold of Charlie's hand, ignored the tingles that tickled his fingers and 'legged it'. They sped down the empty corridor before turning right and diving into a music store, just in time as a crowd of six or seven zombies came shuffling by.

Trying to keep their heavy breathing to a minimum Charlie and Rimmer waited, crouched in the semi darkness, their hearts pounding inside their chests.

"That was close" panted Charlie, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

Rimmer swallowed and nodded before he noted what was wrong with this situation "Smeg." He said, making Charlie jump slightly "Where's Lister?"

She looked around as if suddenly expecting him to appear before looking back to the hologram, her expression torn between guilt and worry "oops…"

'Oops' wasn't was Lister was currently thinking about it all, his thoughts went something along the lines of 'oh smeg, could this possibly get any worse?'. Not only had he , Charlie and Rimmer lost the others but now he'd lost Charlie and Rimmer – leaving him completely alone in a zombie filled mall.

He tightened his grip on the cricket bat he'd taken from the DIY store (what a cricket bat was doing in a DIY store on an elite planetoid was beyond Lister, but he wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth) and bit his lip. Adrenaline pumped through his veins and blood roared in his ears. He took several deep breaths and contemplated what to do.

The sound of footsteps made him freeze…they were getting closer….and closer….just a few feet away. Lister scrambled backwards, cricket bat raised high over his head just in case this zombie wanted to test its luck.

His breath caught in his throat as a figure turned the corner….and gave him a half relieved, half bemused look "there you are" said Toni, "I thought we'd lost you…." She frowned "where's Charlie and Rimmer?"

"I lost them" admitted Lister sheepishly "Or they lost me….it's difficult to tell in situations like this, who looses who…we could have lost each other at the exact same time….you never know!"

Toni groaned and fell into Lister's open arms wearily "Is it just me" she asked, "or is the day going from bad to worse?"

"Yep" agreed Lister, he sighed "We'll grab the others and have a look for Charlie and Rimmer."

"I feel really sorry for Charlie" said Toni, holding Lister's hands and leading him towards where Cat and Kryten were stood "She was supposed to be on a date with Rimmer today, it's all sort of fell apart"

Lister stopped suddenly, jerking Toni backwards "You knew?" he said, frowning "You knew Rimmer had asked Charlie out?"

Toni gave a nervous nod "Yeah….is that a problem?"

Lister gave a short laugh before saying sarcastically "Oh no! I'm perfectly fine with one of my oldest friends being hit on by Arnold J. Rimmer –Smeg head extraordinaire!" Something suddenly clicked inside his head and the flickering flames of anger burst into a towering inferno "And how convenient that he and Charlie just happen to get 'lost' together! He's planned this!"

"Dave, I'm sure Rimmer didn't do that on purpose…." Said Toni quietly, trying to calm her infuriated boyfriend

"Oh no, you obviously don't know Rimmer – this is just the sort of stunt he'd pull. I bet you any moment now he'll be giving the 'mesmer' stare quickly followed by the 'wormdo' line!" snapped Lister, his temper refusing to be soothed by Toni's words "That no good weasley little smeg head….next time I see him" vowed the human "He's dead!"

At that moment in time, Lister had no idea how accurate he was.


	22. A little more tense

**A/N**: I just realised, I haven't wrote a pointlessly longwinded, out of control authors note for a while, so I thought I'd write one for old times sake (collective groan from everyone)….Ohhhh where shall I start….oh yes. ZK – the light of many our lives – has buggered off, leaving us (mainly me, Sian and Lar) alone with no-one to give us our daily dose of zombification….so drastic times call for drastic measures, we needed a replacement ZK and fast! Kindly Sian stepped into the role (and what a splendid job she did too), but then that led to another predicament – no Sian – who would inflict daft songs on us whilst creating a baybay list you could strangle Nessie with! So Lar took on the job of being the replacement Sian, but that led to a 'Lar shaped gap' on MSN, so it was time for me to fulfil my destiny and become Lar….but then (you can see where this is going can't you?) there was no me (although that's probably a good thing!)….but thankfully Sian had found me a replacement me….a stick woman with a handbag drawn onto a piece of paper….trust Sian to find someone infinitely better to kick me out of a job. I don't like her (my replacement that is) - all she does is sit there and shout "Craig" and "yay" at random intervals…what an idiot!

So children, the morale of this story is….never let ZK go away or the very walls of civilisation would crumble and collapse….okay, they wouldn't but me, Sian and Lar would miss her and go slightly more mad and I'd write long, rambly a/n and act like a pratt!

Right, that'll do for now!

He he, fear the a/n – TIS THE A/N OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM! (cough) sorry, I've gone a bit strange.

Okay, thank you time:

**Cazflibs**: Oh yes, Rimmer is in trouble! Big big trouble. Thanks for your helpful email too! You're a star!

**RadarRox: **Like you, I am at my most happiest in trainers, heels are too much like hard work! I agree Rimmer does deserve a bit of happiness (god knows he's been deprived of it) ….you went ever so slightly strange at the end of your review...with excessive nudging and winking….never mind! nudges and winks yay!

**Lar:** Hows the bundles of joy doing? Had any more?

**ZK**: FOR GODS SAKE COME HOME…..WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Toodles!

**Sunny  
XXXX**

**

* * *

**  
"Why Rimmer?"

Toni, despite the severity of the situation found enough time and energy to roll her eyes. It was the eighteenth time Lister had asked that question in the space of 15 minutes and the topic of conversation had long since grown tiresome.

She understood how Rimmer wasn't exactly Lister's 'flavour of the month' any month, but he wasn't _that_ bad. Granted he had his good side and his bad side just like everyone else….except his bad side seemed to be doing a hell of a lot of over time personality wise.

"I mean" continued Lister, his anger still alive and kicking "what does she see in him?"

"Well" said Toni "Deep down, under that tough exterior, he's sweet, insecure, sensitive, caring…"

Lister laughed "She saw all that in _Rimmer?_ Was she using a microscope by any chance?"

Cat decided it was time to speak up. Normally he'd be the first to bad mouth Rimmer – he actually counted it as a hobby – but he knew deep down (very very deep down) Rimmer did have those qualities Toni had described, he just didn't put them into practice much….and if Charlie liked him anyway, what did it matter? "I still don't see the big deal here, bud" he said, smoothing down his hair "What's so wrong with Charlie dating someone?"

"Hey" said Lister, holding up his hands in protest "I've got no issues with Charlie dating somebody….it's just Rimmer I've got the problem with. Out of all the guys she could have agreed to go out with, she chose him! A man who fails to be enchanted by the magic of Disney, the guy who's most used chat up line is 'I'm desperate'. Arnold smegging Rimmer – the walking, talking negative adjective!" he sighed "_He's_ my problem!"

"As much as I admire and approve of your protective nature over Miss Charlie-" said Kryten, bringing Lister' ranting session to an abrupt stop, "I must stress that we are getting deeper and deeper into trouble. Now not only are we stuck on a zombie ridden planet but we've become separated, which has been clinically proven to be the number one cause of death in all good horror movies!"

"With having sex coming in as a close second" grinned Cat, "One things for sure, 'if you rock the bed, you'll end up dead'!"

Lister's eyebrows rose into an arch "Did you just think that up?" he asked, not bothering to disguise the obvious surprise in his voice.

"Yeah." replied Cat proudly

"All by yourself?"

Again Cat nodded and grinned "Yeah!"

"I don't know whether I should be impressed or worried…." Said Lister "You and independent thought – must be a sign of the coming apocalypse. Add zombies to the equation, and we've come up with a plot line worthy of Steven King!"

Cat pouted and allowed his grin to slip away "That hurts buddy. Alright I aint the smartest guy out there, but I do have a brain y'know!"

"Yeah" smirked Lister "Still in its original packaging – never been used!"

"I think I prefer you as a smoker…." Said Cat, "Alright you'd be unhealthy but at least then you wouldn't be insulting me or attacking me all the time!"

"I think he's coping with it quite well" said Toni, linking arms with her boyfriend and smiling "I've not seen any difference…."

Lister was forced to smile in agreement, giving Cat the chance to smirk and mutter "Love is blind" under his breath before hastily moving away to be out of 'hitting range'. Somehow managing to keep his cool, the human turned to Kryten and asked "What d'you suggest we do, Krytes?"

"As stupid and selfish as it sound, I believe we should go back to Starbug without Rimmer and Charlie."

"What?" asked Lister, Cat and Toni in unison, each completely appalled and shocked by what Kryten had just said.

"If we get back to Starbug we can trace Mr Rimmer's light bee, and set back off again to go, armed with bazookoids and get him and Miss Charlie – assuming they're together"

"Oh they'll be together alright" said Lister bitterly "Like Rimmer would just let an opportunity to be alone with a woman pass him by!" The urge to kill Rimmer in a variety of slow and painful ways once again took priority over Lister's thoughts but any comments he could make about it was rudely interrupted by Cat's contributed to the conversation.

"Nice plan cardboard box head!" he said, "But there's one thing I've gotta know….will we be bringing Rimmer back with us once we find him and rescue the curvaceous Charlie?"

"Yes sir" replied the mechanoid firmly

"Awwwww" moaned Cat – "That's ruined an otherwise brilliant plan!"

"Yeah, I like the thought of leaving Rimmer to fend for himself on a zombie infested planet with no hope of survival….God knows it's the least he deserves!"

Toni looked between Cat and Lister with an upset look on her face that Rimmer would no doubt have worn had he been here "I can't believe you two" she said "For all we know Rimmer's out there now, in an horrendous amount of trouble, having to fight off zombies from every angle and staring death in the eye, all the while having to face up to the prospect there's a good chance he may be ripped to shreds and eaten by a bunch of animated, mutated middle class corpses!"

"We can only hope…." Said Lister, suppressing a grin

Toni frowned and wrenched her arm free from her boyfriends "What I'm trying to say _Lister_-"

Lister cringed; Toni only ever called him by his second name during arguments, meaning that was what this conversation has just turned into – an argument. Obviously, she hadn't taken kindly to the comments made about Rimmer and was willing to fight his corner.

"Nobody deserves that fate, no matter what they've done" She said, an angry flush rising in her usually pale cheeks "So he's asked your best friend out….big deal, Get over it!"

"I think there's some mistake here" said Cat "Rimmer didn't ask me out; he asked Charlie out….remember?"

Lister gave Cat a confused look "You think you're my best friend….even though you've said to me - on numerous occasions - how little you think of me, how you'd try to avoiding helping me if you could and basically how much you dislike me! Why would I be best friends with someone who doesn't even consider me a friend?"

"Hey, just because I think little of you doesn't mean you have to stop thinking such a lot of me!" said Cat, folding his arms "Lets face it, people would die to have a best friend like me."

"Well good news, Cat" said Lister sarcastically "There's a whole town of people here that want to be your friends. Why don't you go say 'hi'. Watch out though, some of 'em might be a bit hungry!"

"I wonder if there's a chemist round here" said Cat, his eyes wandering across the shop fronts "'cos if there is, I'm getting you some Nicorette patches before you completely loose it and kill somebody!"

Needless to say that comment didn't go down well….and Lister had to try very hard _not_ to completely loose it and kill Cat!

* * *

Rimmer's brain had never been very good at prioritising.

It seemed to ignore anything of vital importance whilst simultaneously devoting far too much attention to trivial matters, like in his exams for example.

Rimmer's brain was constantly telling him how if he didn't make a timetable worthy of taping to the top of the Sistine Chapel he'd never know what subjects he should be revising and when…but what his brain neglected to tell him, was that it would be incredibly useful to actually do some revision!

At this moment in time, Rimmer's brain was racking its own brain to try and come up with something witty and interesting to say to Charlie, rather than worrying about the zombies that were no doubt lurking nearby.

The shy hologram sneaked a glace at the woman who walked beside him, and his stomach performed an impressive set of back flips. Before he knew what he was doing, he'd opened his mouth and allowed stupidity to pour out "Lovely weather!"

Charlie raised an eyebrow but smiled, "Yeah…."

Rimmer nodded before hastily looking away, swearing at himself for being such a prize fool. Thankfully, Charlie broke the silence before Rimmer's brain had chance to gear up for a repeat performance, "I hope the others are okay."

"They'll be fine" said Rimmer, trying to sound at least a little bit convincing "We're all used to being stuck in potentially life threatening situations, and we always find a way out of it……eventually."

Charlie sighed and pushed her glasses back up her nose, a worried expression stuck on her face.

Rimmer decided to change the subject. No point dwelling on the current situation, possible imminent death was enough to depress and worry anyone.

"So, you were best friends with Lister at high school?"

"Yeah"

"You didn't join in the condom fishing did you?"

Charlie laughed, "Oh god" she said, sounding just a little bit ashamed "I'd forgotten about that…."

"It's just, he's never mentioned you before" continued Rimmer, "and the little git has this habit of telling me everything about his life….or at least, I thought he'd told me everything"

"He'd probably forgotten me" said Charlie, "I moved away from Liverpool when I was in my final year of school, just before the exams. My mum had got a new job as managing director of a fledgling company on Mars, so we had to move there." She paused "Me and Dave promised to keep in touch, and I kept my side of the bargain, but his phone was always off when I called him, so I assumed he'd just moved on and it was time for me to do the same…."

Rimmer nodded but there was a tiny niggling doubt at the back of his mind. Lister would never forget people like that, that wasn't what he was like as a person. Rimmer had lost count of the number of times Lister had saved his life or stuck up for him when no-one else would and he wasn't even Rimmer's friend!

The hologram sighed "Any ideas of how we're going to get ourselves out of this mess?" he said, gesturing around him

Charlie chewed her lip in deep concentration, "I think our first priority is to the find the others. Safety in numbers and all that….then….." she groaned, dragged her finger through her hair "I dunno…my minds just gone blank!"

Rimmer's hand twitched and he began to bounce on the balls of his feet. Should he comfort her? Giver her a hug or hold or hold her hand? She looked like she needed the affection, and Rimmer had been needing the affecting since his birth.

He slowly extended his hand and wrapped his fingers round hers. She looked at their clasped hands before moving her gaze up to meet Rimmer's. They shared a smile and Charlie moved closer, tilting her head upwards, making it perfectly obvious what she was going to do….and that was when fate decided to make things a little more dangerous and complicated.

Rimmer was mere millimetres from sharing a kiss with this beautiful, wonderful woman when movement in the corner of his eye made him freeze. His eyes darted left, quickly followed by the rest of his head, making Charlie follow suit.

A zombie was shuffling about in some bushes about 10 meters away, moaning and groaning in the way that most zombies do.

Common sense shoved aside Rimmer's desperation for some TLC and made him say "We'd better press on…."

Charlie gave a dejected nod and quickly stepped away. She kept her eyes on the floor before walking off, blinking back the tears.

Rimmer felt awful; would it really have killed him to ignore that bloody zombie for 3 more seconds so Charlie could kiss him? The answer was probably yes, but the hologram didn't care!

So far he'd had 3 chances to tell Charlie how he felt and possibly make a move, and each time the moment had been ruined by one thing or another….if things carried on like this, she'd no doubt loose interest and watching Cat walk off with her would damn near finish Rimmer off. He decided there and then, if the zombies didn't kill him, the mounting sexual tension would!

"Charlie" he yelled after her "Wait!"

* * *

Whoa….long chapter! 


	23. A fall from grace

**A/N:** Quick update! No scary a/n (looks sad)

Big thanks to all reviewers and readers, I love you all to bits!

**Sunny**

XXXX

* * *

McGabbots Rubber Chicken Factory had been the third biggest provider of novelty rubber chickens in the solar system, but a recent decline in the demand of squeaky egg laying creatures had resulted in bankruptcy. It now lay abandoned and dilapidated just on the outskirts of the town, its enormous bulk of a building casting mile long shadows across the landscape. Kryten had reasoned a factory of that size would most likely contain maps, blue prints of the town, computers and several modes of transport. His plan was to get a map, plot a 'zombie free' route back to the 'Bug, whilst also seeing if they could find a way to communicate with Rimmer and Charlie.

"Rimmer's light bee is operating at a lower frequency than the radio waves from that tower" Kryten explained as the group made their way towards the factory "There's a very slim possibility that I might be able to trace it, but it's unlikely due to all the interference from the radio tower"

The bolt on the door to the factory was rusted to the point where a pitifully weak baby butterfly could have knocked it off its hinges. It swung open with a mournful, spine tingling creak before literally disintegrating. Years worth of dust covered the floor like a grey blizzard had just passed through, and the stale, sour tasting air was cold and damp against the skin.

"Creepy…" said Toni, edging her way towards the centre of the now empty factory, her foot steps sending dust swirling in every direction

"And dirty" said Cat, wrinkling his nose up in disgust, "Thank God I chose not to wear white today!"

Kryten ignored the command from his CPU to clean and scrub this filthy place into submission and wandered over to a row of switches. He flicked a couple, but the place remained gloomy. "They must have switched the power off when they closed down" he said, making his way back over to the others "We'll need to re-start it if we want to take a good look around. It's too dangerous in the dark"

"Where would be power switch be?" asked Lister,

"In a factory of this size, it'd be kept indoors for easy access in emergencies. It's most likely in the basements or-" he looked up towards the ceiling "up there…."

At the far end of the room was a dangerous looking set of gantries, made of rickety and rusty looking iron. It seemed a probable place as any for a power switch to be. Obviously for healthy and safety reasons it'd need to be close to the machinery, in case someone got their arm caught in the rubber chicken making machine and they had to cut the power, to leave them with something that could actually be classed as a limb.

"Right then" said Toni "Me and Dave will check up there, and you and Cat can look in the basements, okay?"

"Why'd you always have to take the most dangerous option?" asked Lister, as he was dragged in the direction of the gantries.

Up-close, the gantries look even more life threatening. In some parts, the cast iron floor was wafer thin and creaked in disapproval when any weight was put on it. Steps were missing, or on the verge of collapse.

"I'll look down here" said Toni, turning left

"Whoa, whoa" said Lister, taking hold of her wrist to prevent her from dashing off "We're splitting up again?"

"It's only for 5 minutes" said Toni, before a slight smirk appeared on her lips "You're not scared are you?"

"No!" said Lister defensively "It's just….well first we lost Rimmer and Charlie, then we've split up from Cat and Kryten and you want us to do the same. Pretty soon we'll all be on our own!"

"We'll be fine" reassured Toni, gently easing Lister's fingers from around her wrist "Just shout if you get into trouble…."

Lister watched as she ran off, an unsettling feeling of fear and utmost dread began to wrap itself around his insides. Something bad was about to happen, he could tell.

He slowly turned around and took a few cautious steps right. Nothing bad happened, but Lister wasn't dumb enough to be lulled into a false sense of security, and proceeded forward the same vigilance.

There was a sign on the wall ahead. It was a yellow triangle with a picture of man being struck by a particularly nasty looking bolt of electric. Lister couldn't help thinking how he may very well be looking at a diagram wittingly entitled 'Your death'. Next to the sign, lay a box bolted to the wall, with a similar symbol on its front.

Lister guessed, correctly, that this must be the power switch.

He slowly extended his fingers out towards the handle, half expecting a huge surge of electricity to come shooting towards him, and gently eased open the lid of the box. There was one switch, currently at the 'off' point. He took a deep breath and with only a seconds hesitation flicked the switch.

The light bulbs buzzed and flickered before springing to life, flooding the factory with light. Lister breathed a well deserved sigh of relief.

His relief was short-lived however as a now all too familiar sound reached his ears. For a second, he refused to move. It was as if he was cemented to the spot. Suddenly something brushed against his back, and the smell of head hung in the air like a shroud. He turned just in time to see the decaying face of a zombie before he stumbled backwards towards the edge of the gantry.

Lister would have been alright, had the handrail of the balcony not given way. All too quickly, gravity had done his job and he'd fallen some 10 feet onto a pile of conveniently placed empty cardboard boxes.

For a few seconds he just lay and stared at the ceiling, wondering how his life could have to come to this before making an attempt to move. Just as he'd come to push himself up his arms, he gave a strangled cry before collapsing backwards.

His right arm tingled unpleasantly with pain; he tried flexing his fingers but found this simple action was enough to make him want to scream. Lister decided to take a good look at him arm to find out what was wrong, and immediately wished he hadn't. Something white was poking out of his skin, and he had a pretty good idea what it was….bone.

He gave a whimper and sank back onto the squashed boxes and felt sorry for himself.


	24. Sorrow and Woe

A/N: Guess what guys? I'm not dead! I just went away for a couple of decades….I know I've been an awful fan ficcer, I've not updated since what…May 06? Months! Anyway, I managed to tap out two chapters, which will hopefully vanquish the writers block monster which has been hitching a ride on my insanity riddled brain for the past half a year!

Reviews and constructive criticism welcomed!

Happy new year!

Here's to 2007!

* * *

After a good few minutes of well deserved 'wallowing in self pity' Lister hauled himself up off the floor (taking care to avoid putting any pressure on his injured arm) and wandered off in search of the others.

Just when he was beginning to feel a tad more positive about this entire ghastly situation, he received a blow to the side of the face that sent him toppling sideward onto his bad arm.

Dave Lister now considered himself to be the universes 'most unluckiest man', and with good reason too.

As it turned out, the fatal blow he'd received had been dealt by Toni, who whilst skulking around the shadows on her own expedition to find the others, had mistaken him for a zombie. She apologised profusely and repeatedly, but it didn't make much of a difference, so she turned to the old fail safe – "Are you okay?"

This has got to be perhaps the most stupid question ever devised by man, and in many cases is reserved for emergency circumstances. "Are you okay?" "Oh yeah I'm fine, I've just fallen out of a burning building, broke both my legs, cracked a couple of ribs, lost my wallet, spat out what looks like part of my lung and unintentionally donated 80 per cent of my blood to the gutter but I'm okay, thanks for asking!"

So it was hardly surprising that Lister, who was in a great deal of pain and was still battling with his ever growing nicotine craving, snapped at his girlfriend "Do I _look_ okay?"

Toni gave a nervous and apologetic smile "I'll go get Kryten" she said, scurrying off before she experienced the sharp side of Lister's tongue again.

Kryten was as helpful as Toni, with the first words coming out of his vocal units being "Sir, are you okay?"

At this point Lister officially gave up. He whimpered and sank to the floor, nursing his injured arm and hating life with more anger, bitterness and malevolence than he ever thought possible.

Kryten did a quick examination of Lister's arm before confidently concluding "it's broken, sir."

Sarcasm took hold of Lister's voice box "Really?" he said, giving the mechanoid an icy glare even Rimmer wouldn't have sneered at "And there I was thinking it was perfectly normal to have a bone sticking out of your arm!"

"There's no need to be like that, sir" said Kryten; his plastic features wearing a look of obvious hurt "I'm only trying to help…

"You try to remain pleasant and good-natured when you've had the day I've had!" snapped Lister, kicking at the dusty floor to try and vent some of his frustrations "I'm stuck on a stupid smegging planet, being attacked by the cream of the zombie society whilst that weasely little git has ran off with me best mate_ and_ I've got a broken arm! If ever there was a reason to get pissed off, that is it!" he groaned once again, dragging the hand of his good arm down his face just as Cat came strutting into the scene.

"You're never gonna guess what I found" he said, gently tugging at the lapels of his jacket to smooth out the creases "One of those green marks you were going on about!"

"I think you mean 'blue print' sir" said Kryten

Cat 'pffd' at his own trivial mistake "Who cares, point is I found them so congratulations are in order!" He grinned "Also compliments on how fine I'm lookin'!" He stopped, noticing Lister sat on the floor wearing an expression favoured by McDonalds Employees – total and utter hopelessness and despair "Cheer up. It might ever happen."

"Hit him for me" Lister asked Toni, before adding "please-" in the hope it'd be enough to persuade her.

"Sir" said Kryten "Violence never solved anything!"

"Only morons say that….and they always end up getting beaten up" said Lister sourly,

"Aren't morons part of that church?" asked Cat,

"I think you're thinking of Mormons, sir" explained Kryten "I'd give you a more detailed description of this religion, but we really must press on. Now, you mentioned those blue prints."

The blueprints proved to be one of the most valuable finds of the day (excluding the pocket mirror Cat had found in the hardware store). The factory was the furthest point of the town, with only miles and miles of dense woodland behind it. There was one central road in the town that ran from near where they'd crashed Starbug to the McGabbots factory. It was a case of sticking to that route, getting back to the 'Bug, running a quick trace on Rimmer's lightbee, grabbing a couple of bazookoids and bringing him and Charlie home.

"If we're lucky" said Kryten "Mr Rimmer and Miss Charlie may have already made their way back to Starbug"

Lister gave a short laugh "Krytes – us and word lucky don't gel, y'know what I'm sayin'"

"One question" said Cat "an important one" There was a pause "Do you think I'd suit a goatee?"

"No but I think a gag would look gorgeous on you!" snapped Lister, walking towards the front door of the factory "I'm leaving. Anyone care to join me?"


	25. A Welcome Distraction

Life, if you didn't already know, is one hell of a bitch. We're talking a super bitch in stilettos, who spears her way through your carefully made plans, cackling hysterically, and leaving the door open upon her departure. She's quite a character…but the odd thing about life is, just as you think things can't get any worse, when you think you've reached the lowest possible point - ground zero, basement floor, the bottom step – life hurls something your way that makes you smile, albeit for a second.

It was at this moment in time that Life decided that Arnold Rimmer needed something to smile about; God knows he hadn't had much chance to do so over the course of his miserable life and even more wretched death.

Admittedly, being hunted down slowly but surely by a group of ravenous zombies wasn't exactly his idea of a giggle, not unless it's a slightly vacant giggle brought on by the brain deciding enough was enough and this insanity thing looks rather nice, so why not give it go!

Having just hauled himself through an open window about the size of a large cardboard box (not too large mind, just big enough to hold a TV in) Rimmer collapsed against a wall and panted for breath. A rather unnecessary action, I'm sure you'll agree as holograms don't need to breathe, but this behaviour seemed rather relevant to the situation.

Charlie lay slumped beside him, a hand placed on her aching chest, as if to stop her heart bursting out of it. She pushed her hair back and took several deep breaths before glancing up at Rimmer.

"Close eh?" she said, half laughing, half gasping.

Rimmer smirked slightly and nodded in agreement. "Where are we?" he asked, looking around the gloomy room where they sat.

"Good question – lets find out" and without another word, Charlie had got up, opened the door and strode out into the corridor. Rimmer quickly followed.

Windows lined the walls, the dirty orange sunlight streaming in and flooding the floor with pools of yellow. The walls were adorned with pictures, essays, displays, diagrams – school work by the looks of it.

The irony was too great. Rimmer loathed school. He detested it with a passion, to him it signalled misery, depression and danger. And now, here he was hiding in a school surrounded by zombies. Nice!

He heard Charlie make a similar noise of distaste, "I hated school" she said, her eyes narrowed and her mouth tight.

The pair walked on a little further down the corridor, before slipping into one of the many classrooms. Charlie perched herself on the edge of a desk whilst Rimmer wandered round the room, reading some of the work.

"Any ideas what the smeg we can do?" asked Charlie, propping her head up with her hands "We've lost the others, we haven't a clue where we are and it's only a matter of time before our decomposing friends out there find a way in…"

Rimmer stopped, he allowed his arms to drop down by his side "I'm the worst person to ask" he admitted "It's always the others who come up with the escape plans; I just say the same one over and over – 'run'!"

Charlie sighed and took to staring at the floor. She frowned in deep concentration, and tried to think logically. Logic was just the ticket to get them out of this sticky situation. Her thoughts drifted through numerous escape plans, her brain submerged in its own intellect and cunning as it desperately pondered a way to get out of here!

It was like a very productive daydream, as Charlie was so busy concentrating she didn't hear the soft shuffling at the door or the hoarse raspy breath that rattled through the air. In fact it was only when Rimmer turned around did he himself realising what was making those noises. Yet another member of the undead army, its withered yet not so weak arms reaching out for Charlie's shoulder's, its face twisted into a triumphant grin.

"Charlie!" screamed Rimmer, grabbing the nearest thing to him (a chair) "duck!"

"Where?" asked Charlie, snapping from her reverie with a jerk,

By this time Rimmer had flung the chair through the air. Of course, Rimmer, bless his cotton socks, threw like cross-eyed asthmatic with Parkinson's disease. It struck Charlie on the side of her head, knocking her off the desk and out cold.

"Smeg" he muttered, grabbing another chair and flinging it towards the ever advancing zombie. This one landed nearly 3 metres short of the target.

Wishing he'd tried harder in PE, Rimmer grabbed a third chair, closed his eyes and threw it with all the strength his could muster. There was a stomach churning 'squelch' sound and dull thud, like a sack of potatoes (the King Edward kind, not the little Jersey Royal ones) falling from a great height. He eased open and eye and immediately shut it again.

The zombie was lay crumpled on the floor, a chair leg sticking out of its eye, various icky bodily fluids oozing onto the polished floor. Hastily brushing aside his squeamishness, Rimmer ran over to Charlie, who was similarly crumpled on the floor, but thankfully not dead.

He gave her a little shake, but she refused to regain consciousness. He took hold of her chin and angled her face upwards. A slight smile donned her lips but other than that, she was dead to the world. A rather inappropriate metaphor but what the hell!

Rimmer's mind was as blank as a freshly cleaned whiteboard when it came to first aid. He didn't even know CQR for smegs sake! Or was it CPR? CVR? VCR? In the end he decided to just go along with his instincts (always a bad idea), he gently opened Charlie's mouth and placed his lips on hers. Halfway through this action, Charlie's eyes flickered open, to see Rimmer's face a couple of million atoms widths away from hers and he was kissing her! Her hands crept around his torso and she pulled him closer. Alarmed at this sudden motion Rimmer tried to draw back but his lips just wouldn't let go, and his arms seemed to have a mind of their own as they wriggled their way around Charlie's figure.

For the briefest of brief seconds the pair pulled apart, looked at each other, grinned and dived right back to playing tonsil tennis and that was when things got X rated.


	26. Road Rage

A/N: Sunny would like the introduce this extra long 'allow me to make it up to you' chapter with a grovelling apology. I can sum up my reluctance to update this fic in 5 words 'writers block and time issues'. I've been busy on my other fics but for some reason, the creative spurts I got for 'Ultimate Deception' just never seemed to apply to this one. In the end, it was the review from Garfieldodie, to whom I say 'many thanks' that gave me the boot in the behind to write.

Many thanks to my readers and reviewers…if any of you are still around, I couldn't blame you if you'd all found something better to do!

Ta! Take care!

Sunny!

Common sense – a virtue regrettably absent from many a society nowadays – dictates that you'll cover more ground much quicker in something with wheels than you will on feet (obviously clapped out old Skodas are an exception to this rule).

"We'll need transport" said Lister, skidding to a haphazard stop in the middle of the company car park, still filled with rows upon rows of silent automobiles, an aura of sadness surrounding the vehicles with the knowledge that their owners will never again make threatening gestures out of the driver's side window.

"But sir" said Kryten, his hands poised and ready to flap in an anxious manner "we'll need the corresponding key for the car in question, it won't move otherwise."

"Can't you hot wire the thing, bud?" asked Cat, turning to Lister, whose face went rigid, clearly quite thoroughly offended!

"Why does everyone assume that because I'm from Liverpool I know all these little 'illegal tricks'? It's discrimination that is! Blatant discrimination!"

"Do you know how to hot wire?" asked Toni, merely curious.

Lister shifted uncomfortably where he stood "Well….okay, so maybe I do, but everyone knew how to do it where I grew up!"

"Well that's settled" grinned Cat "so what car?"

Toni took it upon herself to decide for them, she strode towards a formidable looking Jeep. A huge, hulking mountain of a machine, its sleek black body standing out against the inky navy-blue sky like a smudge on a canvas, it's headlights glowing faintly in the diminishing sunlight.

"Baby" crooned Cat, strolling slowly around the car, looking suitably impressed by what he was seeing. It was a stylin' vehicle for a stylin' guy! "You've got great taste"

Toni gave a small smile that flickered quickly into a frown when Cat added "except in men…."

Lister, now too weary due to the strenuous day and the increasing severity of his nicotine craving, could only glare and make a mental note to kill the smegger later.

With the smallest of clicks the Jeeps door swung open, its handle gliding into Toni's outstretched hand, with several others following suite in the hope that they too may be used for the purpose of transport. Lister was about to ask where Toni had learnt to perform such a neat trick when he remembered that she had the 'gift of the gab' when it came to anything electric.

"But ma'am" said Kryten, as Toni slipped into the driver's seat "Shouldn't we choose a more economically friendly car? I'm getting very worried about our carbon footprint!"

Cat merely 'ppfft' the mechanoids comment aside "Who cares? All I know is that my footprint in particular is going to look seriously sexy cruising around in this baby!"

Under normal circumstances Lister would have been the one driving the Jeep, but his busted arm had placed him squarely in the passenger seat. Toni knew how to drive, which was a stroke of good luck but on the other hand she's learned to drive in the AR game "Screeching Skid Marks 4" – a game notorious for it's excessive speeding, harsh braking and poor clutch control. This soon proved to be a big, black blob of bad luck on an otherwise promising situation.

So, it was reasonable to see why Lister hung back when Kryten and Cat clambered into the back of the Jeep, completely oblivious to the high speed horror that awaited them.

"Sir, are you coming?" asked Kryten, which was a polite way of saying 'get your arse in the car!'.

"Y'know, maybe Krytes is right" said Lister; taking a determined step backwards "We should use a more….safer vehicle, one that's a bit….slower maybe? Hey look! A Fiat Panda, that'll do nicely!"

"Oh but I've adjusted the seat now!" moaned Toni, peering at Lister through the window, head slightly to one side, her lips forming into the promise of a pout with her eyes all wide and expectant – and that was all it took to convince him to get in the car. Cursing himself for being so weak willed against feminine wiles, he climbed into the front passenger seat and with trembling hands he tugged his seatbelt across his torso, pulling it as tight as he could so the fabric began to cut into his flesh.

Just about managing to swivel round to face Kryten and Cat, he mouthed the words "Seatbelts on now!"

The pair obliged immediately but with expressions of undiluted worry plastered on both their features. Cats grin had become nothing more than a taught, thin line of lip-gloss "Why?" he mouthed back in return as Kryten began to wring his hands.

"Trust me!" said Lister, his words enveloped in a gloomy sense of finality.

"Everything okay?" asked Toni, wearing a smile large enough for all four occupants of the car. She adored driving, ever since Dave had introduced her to that game but this was her first time in a real car!

"Nice and slow, eh babe?" said Lister, timidly.

"Sure thing" muttered Toni, gazing into the rear view mirror and tucking a strand of hair behind her ears. Suddenly, without any warning, the car flew backwards, spinning in a figure of eight circuit before screaming to a stop.

"Is it still too late to walk?" asked Cat, feeling as if all his innards had been squashed down into his boots.

As by means of a non-verbal answer, Toni threw the car into first gear, slammed her foot down onto the gas pedal and they lurched off at a speed that was neither comfortable for the car or its occupants! The Jeep crashed through the chain mail fence, leaving a gaping hole and a cloud of dust in its wake, within seconds the speedometer was wiggling between 100 and 110 miles per hour, the hand diving from one speed to another – impressive seeing as it was only in second gear!

"Oh yeah, third" muttered Toni, sliding it into the right gear for speeds far less than what they were actually experiencing, it raced on even quicker than before.

Clearly the terms 'erratic driving' and 'safe driving' were one and the same to Toni. Road markings were nothing more than floor art, speed limits were a friendly suggestion and corners were challenges to get the car onto two wheels! As if it weren't bad enough, stationary objects (and zombies, which were partially stationary objects) became target practice!

Lister tried to speak, well not so much as speak, more like scream but he couldn't even manage that! It was as if an invisible brick wall was pushing itself against him, driving his body into the cushioning embrace of the leather seat. His seatbelt now felt laughably feeble, as if it was a strand of tooth floss across his chest. Wondering briefly if he could invent an ingenious way of holding on with his buttocks, Lister snapped his eyes shut as the lumbering body zombie bounced off the bonnet, rolled along the roof and plummeted to the pavement below.

Cat, somehow managing to lever himself forwards despite the crushing G-Force, tapped Lister's shoulder "Buddy" he said" If I die...bury me in white, black just isn't seen at fashionable funerals nowadays!"

"Oh yeah and what if I die?"

"You can wear what the hell you like..." sniffed Cat, clearly perturbed by Lister's enquiry

"I mean, how the smeg can I faff about with your funeral if _I've _snuffed it?!" wailed Lister,

"Well I don't know!" retorted Cat, his hand flying towards the door handle in a desperate search for something to cling to as Toni screeched round a tight corner in fifth gear "And I don't care, I just want to make sure I'm not buried in an unfashionable colour!"

"Sirs" interjected Kryten "This isn't the right mind frame for this situation. We are perfectly safe." his words became a blatant contradiction as a lamppost appeared in the centre of the windscreen, hurtling towards them at a sickening speed, Toni swerved at the last possible part of the last possible second so the side of the car scraped along it, sending a shower of sparks into the cold night air. Yet still Kryten attempted to maintain the charade that they were in fact fine "I'm sure we will not come to any harm and OH MY GOD, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

The jeep gave a nauseating 90 degree turn and soared its way down an alley that technically, given the laws of physics, just shouldn't have been able to accommodate it. Nanoseconds later it tore onto another slip road, leaving a trail of scorching tarmac behind it.

Lister craned his neck, peering at the road behind him in a mixture of awe and horror. After a few seconds Toni felt compelled to ask "what?"

"I think we just broke the sound barrier"

"What!?" laughed Toni "In a Jeep, that's impossible!"

Lister nodded "that's what I thought…" he said grimly, as the car was thrown round another corner with enough G-force to make Buzz Aldrin queasy.

Away from antics that wouldn't look out of place on an Formula 1 circuit, Rimmer and Charlie were having their own little crisis. After hastily re-dressing and running out of the school even more hastily, they once more found themselves at the escape plan equivalent of square one - lost in the dwindling twilight, surrounded by zombies with their chances of getting out this intact about as slim as a picture of a stick insect on a piece of paper.

With each aching step, their despair mounted and with a sickening sense of comprehension, they realised they were surrounded. The zombies had shuffled their way into a circle, an ever decreasing circle as the undead monsters moved slowly but surely towards their pray. Rimmer tried to shield Charlie with his arms, his eyes desperately rolling around the wall of zombies, trying to spot a gap, a break in the chain - an escape.

There was nothing.

They were trapped.

Out of all the things Arnold Rimmer had endured, every GELF, monster, psychopath robot or sadistic computer simulation, this - right here and right now - had to be the strongest contender for that special situation where Rimmer felt compelled to use all variations of the word 'terrified'. Sure, insane, dangerous, 'death is a virtual certainty' situations had been ten-a-penny lately, but this was something else altogether.

Digging his nails into his thighs, Rimmer cursed everything that could ever possibly be cursed - life, Lister, death, Lister, Zombies, Lister, Cat, Lister - that little scouse sod-, Kryten too that jammy mechanoid git, no chances of escape, Lister, his old maths teacher, Lister. Rimmer cursed them all, he was just in the middle of cursing his parents when his thumb slid across an unexpected bump in his pocket. Quickly he slid his hand in, his fingers feeling their away around the cold, smooth surface with addled curiosity.

Suddenly, Rimmer remembered. The pistol. The one he'd stashed in his pocket, just to smeg off Lister. He quickly fumbled the gun out of his pocket, and flicked open the bullet chamber, it was still loaded with three bullets.

"Charlie" he said "When I say so, I want you to run - run as fast as you can, run and find the others" he paused for a fraction of a second, his eyes dark and burning with a intensity they'd never acquired before "I'll handle things"

"Rimmer" she said softly,

Wordlessly, the hologram grabbed hold of her, hugging her close for as long as he dared before stepping back, eyes shining slightly with fear and grief. Taking aim at the closest zombie, he took a deep breath and tried to hold the gun steady. His finger rested on the trigger, every muscle in his body poised and tensed in preparation for his impossible task.

"Run" he said firmly and seconds later the sound of the shot rung through the streets, echoing through the night air.

Charlie ran. She ran, her eyes awash with tears, her chest stinging with effort, her heart aching for something that will never be.

Rimmer watched her run, feeling oddly light and fulfilled. He managed a dry smile, despite the circle of zombies that was creeping closer and closer still, confident that he'd just made the very best decision of his life.

He'd sacrificed himself to save the woman he loved.


	27. The Sacrifice

Those of you that are familiar with the general premise and practice of public transport, will be fully aware that it can, more often than not, be a bit of a bumpy ride. Yet, after spending a mere five minutes in a car with Toni clamped firmly at the wheel, Lister - who was no stranger to the perils of riding on various modes of transport with his fellow but unknown kind - decided that the very notion of a 'bumpy ride' had been laughingly understated.

In fact, it was very difficult to gauge what was worse: the car journey or his girlfriend's reaction to the car journey, which were anything but accurate. Toni was grinning, laughing and cheering her way through the town whilst the rest of the occupants were groaning, wincing, screaming, all the while praying for, if the worst occurred, a quick and painless death.

A large set of stone steps loomed into view, leading up to a higher point of land and Lister, defied all medical theory and got a little more worried. Toni hadn't shown the slightest intention yet of turning. Surely…surely, she wasn't going to do what Lister was dreading - there was no way, in the name of all that is Holy, that she is going to drive up those steps.

Of course, he was wrong.

Merely two feet away from the first step Lister panicked, his good arm flung itself side ways, clasped onto the wheel and tried to drag it left. Obviously, Toni had the stronger chances, what with two perfectly working arms and GELF genes the girl was more than capable of resisting the turn. But Lister put up a good fight, adrenaline had given him that little extra drive and determination.

Pity was that Lister, as well as all the others, could have done without that random burst of adrenaline as the struggle to be in charge of the steering wheel had set the car on a direct collision course with the concrete wall that flanked the stone steps. The car smashed into the wall, bouncing backwards by several feet before Toni grabbled with the wheel quickly enough to redirect it's course, meaning it was still making a vertical ascent, but it was scraping the wall as it did so.

As if to compensate for that little 'hiccup' Toni floored the accelerator and the car juddered its way onwards and upwards until it reached the top step, where it roared into the air before inevitably crashing back down to onto the floor, making noises to suggest that the suspension was now in fact, buggered.

The area they had sped into was nothing more than an urban park, a cold and forlorn little patch of different coloured concrete, scattered with benches and the occasional tree - there were a set of steps on the other side and all to quickly, everyone realised what was about to happen.

"Babe" Lister whispered "please….no…."

His words were drowned out by the sound of the Jeep's engine giving a prehistoric, snarling, teeth-rattling roar, before it surged its way forward like a storm cloud, streaking across a pale blue sky. The steps appeared to disappear far too quickly for anyone's likening, leaving them all faced with a stomach lurching drop downwards and a descent that left them rattled to the core.

What happened next, nobody is quite sure. Later, Toni would insist that the Jeep randomly flipping on it's side and rolling over a couple of times was not her doing. However it happened, the experience was anything but pleasant. Thankfully, it was over soon enough - the rolling that is, not the car journey. Completely undeterred by her cars rather accurate impression of the innards of a washing machine, Toni was off again.

The obvious benefit that this 'dice of death on four wheels' produced was that it got them further and further out of the Zombie town, soon the road narrowed, buildings dwindled into trees and areas of green replaced the sea of concrete. By this time, the light had gone almost, the sun was now a razor thin slit, resting lazily on the tip of the horizon, giving itself a few minutes rest before plunging below and succumbing the land to total darkness.

In the glare of the head lights, a figure appeared, its frame wrought with exhaustion as it limped its way forward. Toni mistook this for yet another zombie, her grey eyes narrowed in severe repulsion and loathing as she swung the Jeep towards it.

The figure was in fact Charlie, tears cultivated from a mixture of pain, fear and mourning stained her cheeks, mascara was smeared across her pale face like war paint. From behind her she heard the grinding, apocalyptic purr of a high powered engine. She forced her tired and weakened body to turn around and promptly gave a choking sob of terror.

All she saw was two perfectly rounded eyes of light glaring at her, their beams cutting through the night air like a rapier. The eyes moved towards at a deadly speed, soundtracked by the scream of red hot tyre tracks and torn up gravel.

She barely had time to fling herself unceremoniously out of its way. She could feel it tear past her, clipping the air she'd been stood near just nanoseconds before. Propping herself painfully up on her elbows, she gazed incredulously at the back end of the Jeep and pondered briefly, how the smeg Zombies had taught themselves to drive.

It skidded to a stop, kicking a cloud of dust into the air, the passenger door flung itself open and out stumbled Lister.

Charlie scrambled towards him, her desperation making garbled, horrified noises tumble from her lips.

The other occupants of the car quickly followed suite, Kryten and Cat cautiously eased themselves out onto the dirt path, both shaking and groaning. Cat gave a pitiful moan,laid one hand against the Jeep and fought to keep his stomach contents on the inside.

"There" beamed Toni, swinging the door shut "that wasn't so bad was it. Hey, maybe I pilot Starbug one time?"

Her suggestion was met by an irate and forceful "NO!" from Feline and Mechanoid alike.

Lister, by this time had reached Charlie, who collapsed into his arms (causing him some significant discomfort in the process) and sobbing like she'd been longing to do for hours. She clung to his shirt, her wails echoing around them, intensifying the sorrow for all to feel.

"Charlie" Lister said in hushed tones, gently stroking her hair, trying to pacify her as best he could "where's Rimmer? What happened?"

Charlie began to choke on her own words, her brain too addled with everything that had happened to try and construct a coherent sentence. Inside her word, the words were beating a tattoo on her skull, pounding her soul with the story she had to tell. "Rimmer" she managed to gasp "He…he…they…" but even this proved too much and she soon collapsed under the weight of the turmoil but Lister had pretty much worked out what had happened.

"Toni" he yelled, "take Charlie, Kryten and the Cat back to the 'Bug. Load up the bazookoids and just stay put okay!"

"Why?" she asked nervously "What are you doing?"

"I'm gettin' Rimmer back" he said,

Charlie looked up, frowning in a mixture of disbelief and apprehension, her breath caught in her throat as the magnitude of the proposed situation took hold "I'm coming with you" she said firmly, pulling herself up and wiping the mascara from her cheeks.

"No way" said Lister, shaking his head "Go with Toni and-"

But Charlie was in no mood to be argued with, even in the gloom Lister could see that her eyes contained a steely quality about them, her face was taught with determination. He sighed, thereby admitting defeat.

"I'm coming with you" said Toni, looking between the pair

"No babe, I aint letting you" said Lister, the silver haired woman opened her mouth to protest but Lister cut off "Babe, please…for me. Take Cat and Kryten and get back to Starbug as soon as." he swallowed before adding, as convincingly as possible "I'll be back as soon as I can."

There was an awkward second of contemplation before Toni quickly kissed Lister on the lips, gave a supportive grin that was tainted by the worried look in her eyes and dashed back to the Jeep, to which Cat and Kryten climbed into, begrudgingly.

Lister watched as the Jeep drove off down the path before turning to Charlie. Words didn't seem appropriate or necessary at this moment in time, so he simply nodded back towards the town, gesturing for Charlie to lead him onwards.

They walked in total silence for twenty minutes, but it elongated out into what felt like several hours. Suddenly, Charlie stopped, her ears strained to hear something. Lister heard it too.

It made his blood run cold, freezing his innards and reducing him to a trembling wreck. But this was no time for them to give up, he grasped Charlie's wrist and pulled her into an alley, hoping and praying it would offer them some protection from the hungry masses.

Within minutes, they had shuffled into view, their limp limbs dangling at their sides as their heads rolled loosely on the top of their necks, dark soulless eyes searching for something. Something they could smell.

Lister chanced a look around the corner, the horde was slowly moving away, meandering their way deeper and deeper into the town. "Any sign of Rimmer?" Lister whispered, knowing two sets of eyes on the look out would be better than one.

Charlie glanced around the area, biting her lip in anticipation. Nothing. Zombies aside, the streets were deserted.

"We'd better press on" said Lister, gently guiding Charlie forward. They walked carefully onward, their eyes scouring the streets for a sight of the hologram.

Suddenly, from a darkened corner of the town, they spotted a lone figure.

Charlie felt her heart hammer relentlessly against her ribcage as she spied the mass of curly locks set atop a lanky frame and the shimmer of a blue jacket. It was him.

"Rimmer" she yelled, euphoric by now, she raced towards him…but Lister held her back.

She should have known then that something wasn't right, but her hopes had been lifted and she'd cast the harsh truth aside only to feel happy for a few more precious seconds. Charlie wrenched her arm from Lister's grip and continued to sprint towards Rimmer, who was slowly turning around.

Charlie froze.

A scream tore itself from her throat. Rimmer's watery brown eyes were gone, in their place were a pair of dark, black orbs - as shiny as two polished pebbles and twice as cold. They stared into and past Charlie, no flicker of recognition set them alight. His face was pale and drawn but at the same time, vacant. He took a clumsy step forward, his arms swinging by his sides, fingers curling slightly at the motion.

Lister tried to drag her back, all too aware of what had occurred but Charlie refused to move, she screamed Rimmer's name over and over into the night, trying to wriggle herself free so she could run to him.

"Charlie" Lister yelled, dragging her backwards, trying to put as much distance between them and Rimmer "Charlie, stop it"

Sobs racked her body and though her throat was sore, she continued to scream her protests "No, we-we have to help him, he needs me, he needs us!" she fought harder, "Let me to him, please just let me help"

Lister somehow managed to push her further away but her cries of torment were starting to tear him apart, he held her face in his hands and stared deep into her eyes. He watched as two tears coursed down her cheeks, and somehow, salvaged strength from some seldom used part of his being, he brought himself to deliver the bitter truth that Charlie didn't want to face up to.

"We can't help him….he's gone…."


	28. Lister's Journey

A/N: I must say I simply adored the reviews from garfieldodie and Radar-rox – I never knew my writing could have such drastic effects, fancy it leaving you all in suspense like that! I mean c'mon, you don't really believe I'd leave a story hanging like that would you? I wish to thank the pair for giving me the incentive to write. I adore and appareciate your comments, and I hope you're enjoying the story.

Without further ado – I give you...the next chapter!

Merci, danke and ta to all readers and reviewers!

Sunny

XXXX

If the walk to the Zombie infested town had been unpleasant, then the long, cold and awkward struggle back was easily a hundred times worse. Charlie had at first put a fight, she was screaming and shouting, trying to wrench herself free so she could run to Rimmer. She knew there was nothing she could do for him, but she just couldn't allow herself to walk away and leave him forever.

Her sorrow soon started to manifest itself as something else, she turned on Lister, as if she were blaming him for the events that had unfolded. She didn't take kindly to being dragged bodily away from the man that she longed to spend the rest of her life with, and it wasn't long before something inside her reached critical mass.

She lashed out, a deformed hybrid of a slap and a punch, her nails scraping against Lister's cheek, leaving stinging slash-marks in their wake, but still Lister didn't let her slip away. To loose another friend tonight would finish him off. He'd endured enough 'near death scenarios' in his lifetime, but there'd always been a way out, a light at the end of a dark tunnel. But now, the truth was painfully apparent, this tunnel had no shining orb at the end of a length of cold dark. This time, there was no escape.

The further away from the town they got, the quieter Charlie became till eventually, when Starbug loomed into sight, her cries were nothing more than pathetic little hiccups. The pair stumbled through the doors and before Lister could say anything, Charlie had fled, her body and mind buckling under the weight of her grief and Lister was left to explain to the others the whereabouts of Rimmer.

"You did everything you could." said Toni, as she stood in the medibay and watched her boyfriend pacing back and forth in front of her.

"I could've...I could've done somethin'. Anythin' for smegs sake, instead I just walked off...like a coward..." he stopped, and shook his head, thoroughly disgusted with his behaviour.

At that second, Kryten came bustling into the medibay, he paused respectfully at the sight of his master in such turmoil, but there were other matters at hand "Sir, Ma'am. I think I may have a solution to our problem."

Lister's eyes darkened "If it's a suggestion from Cat that we should throw a party, I don't wanna hear it" he moved towards the door "and I'll break his neck for a comment like that, bad arm or no bad arm."

Toni grabbed him by the shoulders and looked expectantly towards Kryten, who acted on cue.

"I've been running some diagnostic programs on Mr Rimmer's Light-bee and I've been able to successfully ascertain that the radio waves have indeed corrupted his hologramatic projection and internal operations system."

"_Wonderful_, Kryten" said Lister, with such sarcasm dripping from each syllable it's a wonder it didn't melt the floor "Couldn't be more pleased for you!"

"There's more, sir" said the mechanoid "it's curable."

Lister looked up, his face was torn: half skeptical, half overjoyed "Curable? You...you can fix it"

Kryten nodded "I'm fairly certain I can, as far as I can tell, although Mr Rimmer was more susceptible to the radio waves due to his electronic stature, it has not had sufficient time to completely destroy all his vital components. If I set to work on an antidote as soon as possible, there's a very good chance he could be saved."

Lister nodded mutely. There didn't seem to be the right words to express how he felt. Admittedly, out of all the people he'd met through his life, Rimmer was in no way his most respected or liked companion but being in deep space had changed that. Suddenly, they weren't just co-workers or bunkmates anymore. Their relationship had matured into something deeper, more profound. They needed each other, in the same way that they needed Cat or Kryten. Rimmer, for all his faults and drawbacks was one of the lads, a member of the crew, part of the posse – and it was imperative that Lister got him back, not just for Charlie's sake, but for his own too.

"How long will it take for you to cure him?" asked Toni,

"It shouldn't take more than an hour or two. The virus in its format is not complex, it's just a case of me fractionating the-"

"Kryten" she said, holding up a hand "Just...just do it. Okay?"

"Yes ma'am, just as soon as I've fixed Mr Lister's arm."

Lister jerked back into reality at the mention of his name "Wha? Oh, it's fine Krytes, leave it. Just get on with gettin' Rimmer back."

"While I admire your behaviour sir, I must insist that you get that arm seen it. It's quite nasty"- the arm injury was nasty in the way that Mercury was a little bit hot, but nonetheless, Kryten won the minor dispute and Lister duly sat down.

"Now, be warned sir this may hurt," said Kryten, making full use of the 'Soothing Medical Voice: V200' add-on he'd installed a few weeks previous, but this was in no way enough to completely pacify Lister, who immediately flinched away from the mechanoid's touch.

"Define 'may' – is this a scenario where may should mean 'definitely' or is it actually where may means 'it's possible, but not too possible'?"

Kryten grimaced apologetically "I'm afraid it's the former option sir. I can't administer any analgesics until after I've set the bone back in place."

Lister winced "Leave it." he said firmly "Just leave it and go and fix, Rimmer"

Kryten paused for a second or two, before gently patting Lister on the shoulder "Very well sir...oh look Miss Toni is taking her top off!"

Like a fool, Lister actually looked, hoodwinked by some truly first class lying from Kryten, who seized the opportunity, grabbed Listers arm and moved the bone back in place with a sickening snap. The human blanched, a strangled stream of swearwords were flung in the mechanoid's direction before the initial shock wore off. He had to admit that his arm did feel a little better and he allowed Kryten to bandage his arm to give it some additional support. "Kryten, when this arm gets better, I'm gonna punch you in the head, y'know that!"

The mech grinned "I wouldn't expect anything less, sir"

Lister flexed his fingers "Okay, go and make a start on that antidote, but nobody tell Charlie what we're doing until it looks certain we've got Rimmer back, I don't think she could stand loosing him twice in one day." he chewed his lip briefly in anticipation "I'm gonna go out there and get him."

Twenty minutes later, as Lister stood at the airlock door, all 'suited and booted', Toni still hadn't managed to talk him out of it "You're going to waltz back into that town, still filled to the brim with zombies, with a busted arm to find Rimmer and bring him back, do you have _any _idea how risky this is?"

Lister nodded "Yeah, but I've gotta do it."

"At least let me come with you" - Obviously, Lister refused, explaining that he didn't want to risk his girlfriends life as well as his own.

Toni crossed her arms and seethed quietly for a few seconds before her anger got the better of her "This isn't your fault you know" she snapped "It just happened, you didn't cause it."

"Maybe" said Lister quietly, double checking that the mining laser he was carrying was loaded "But I need to fix it..."

There was another stretch of silence "Just be careful..." she whispered "I don't think we could all cope loosing both you and Rimmer. I mean, we'd have a ship wide argument shortage wouldn't we?" she cracked a dry smile before throwing herself into Lister's arms, holding him close for what she hoped wouldn't be the last time.

"I'll be back babe, don't worry" Lister grinned with grim determination "and I'll have the smeghead with me!"

Even armed with a hefty bazookoid, capable of blast away large lumps of rock with little difficulty, Lister still felt vulnerable as he tiptoed his way through the darkened town. He looked left, then right and cursed under his breath. No sign of Rimmer.

He was about to turn away when something caught his eye. Checking only to make sure it wasn't the hologram he sought, Lister pressed onwards with mounting concern and anxiety. An hour of his time had already slipped by, and time was not a luxury that either he or Rimer could enjoy.

Despite the severity of the situation, Lister couldn't help but marvel at how ironic it all was, after years of wanting Rimmer to leave him alone, here he was now, prepared to give whatever he could to see those stupid flared nostrils again.

He wandered slowly down the gloomy streets, pools of light from the streetlights leaving yellow polka dots all over the pitch black tarmac. His breathing echoed around him, competing with the oppressive silence to be the sound ringing in his ears. Minutes flitted by in their flocks, making a mockery of his plan.

Looking back, he couldn't recall exactly what it was that made him turn around, it was as if some unseen presence had gently nudged him in the right direction. But, suddenly, there he was. Rimmer, stood across the street, his thin frame illuminated by a nearby streetlight. Lister enjoyed this moment of tainted relief before tentatively stepping forwards "Rimmer?" he called out, not all that hopeful.

The hologram didn't turn around, instead he swayed gently where he stood. Licking his dry lips and taking another determined step forwards, Lister raised the bazookoid "Rimmer?" he tried again.

He turned.

The antidote hadn't done it's work yet, he hadn't been cured yet. His eyes still held a darkness apt only for the deepest pits of hell. Rimmer snarled slightly, a soft moan escaping from his lips and chilling the air around him, clumsily swinging his body forwards he ambled towards Lister.

"C'mon Kryten...I'm countin' on you here man!" hissed Lister, making a hasty retreat whilst simultaneously trying to line up the bazookoid, just in case things got nasty. Things did, Rimmer was moving far quicker than his un-dead counterparts and Lister greatly underestimated just how much space he'd need to put between him and his bunkmate to be safe.

Panic wildly gibbering its worries inside his head, Lister quickened his pace, and it wasn't long before the inevitable happened and he stumbled, falling back onto the floor. The mining laser skidded out of his hand, bouncing along the hard ground, the charge pack was knocked from its housing and was flung in the opposite direction. He was now weary, wounded and weaponless.

Struggling valiantly to his feet, he braced himself. Rimmer was right in front of him, his mouth twisted into a hungry, lopsided leer as he stretched his arms out in front of him, fingers twitching in anticipation.

Lister did the only thing he could in that situation. He balled his good hand into a fist and pulled it back in preparation. He glanced at Rimmer and said with sincere remorse "sorry man" before he sent his fist hurtling towards the holograms face.

A few miles away, Kryten was sat at the science console, running the final part of the antidote programme he'd created. There was a final bleep and a message announcing 'System Clean' flashed on the monitor screen, he gave a cheer and indulged himself in activating his Smug chip.

It was a peculiar feeling for Rimmer, it was as if his innards were being systematically wiped and re-written, his body tingled and the black veil in front of his eyes lifted, just in time to see something hurtling towards him in a manner most often connected with immense pain.

His head ricocheted with the impact, sending stars spinning around his pupils. He shook his head and blearily raised his gaze at the sounds of retreating footsteps – it was Lister "you...you little smeg!" he slurred after him, clamping a hand to the delicate features of his face and wincing.

Lister stopped. He turned back, Rimmer was stood there, clutching his face in obvious pain, he gave a snarl and glared at Lister between his splayed fingers "you little tosser!" he mumbled "what the smeg did you do that for?"

"You...you remember me?" said Lister, feeling a little lightheaded.

"Course I do you smegging little smegging smeggy git!" spat the hologram "you just smegging well punched me in the smegging face!"

Lister had no reply to that, at least nothing of the verbal kind. Instead, he strode up to Rimmer and, without a nanosecond of hesitation, threw his arms around him, thoroughly relieved and glad to have his favourite smeg head back.

Feeling too shocked and bewildered to put up any sort of fight, Rimmer just kept his trap shut and enjoyed the moment.


	29. The Walk Back Again

Sunny says: I'm a bad girl. Well, more specifically, a bad fan fic girl! Yes, I know I've not updated but life y'know, it can be a bit of a git! But here we go, a chapter leading towards the end of this story now. The dénouement so to speak. So, enjoy I guess! Big thanks to any readers that are still alive and actually reading this fic, I thank ye all for your unwarranted praise and patientence!

Reviews and con-crit are shiny! Brutal! Wicked! Ta!

**Sunny  
**XXXX

* * *

To Rimmer's immense surprise, Lister continued to grin at him long after the embrace had ended. The little git stood there, exhausted, dishevelled, looking for all the world like he'd been dragged through a busy city-centre shopping mall the weekend before Christmas but still he was beaming away as if Katey DiMaggio, voted the Universes must sultry model three years running, wearing nothing but a smile had just told him he'd won the lottery.

Rimmer coughed, to try and dispel the awkwardness he was experiencing, and also hoping Lister would take cue and wipe that inane grin off his face.

He didn't.

"You're back," whispered the scouser, still smiling far more than necessary. "What was it like? Bein' a zombie and all that?"

"Ever listened to an entire REM album in one sitting?" replied Rimmer sourly, gently tugging the hem of his uniform straight and brushing some gravel from his shoulder.

Lister sighed and suddenly he seemed to buckle, just slightly. The weariness was now painfully evident, his body was racked with exhaustion but still it muddled on, knowing it couldn't rest until everyone was safe and sound. Rimmer surveyed his bunkmate careful before he spoke. "What happened to your arm? And your eye? And your _cheek_ – that looks sore!"

The human sighed again, before wandering over to go and collect together the bazooikoid pieces "It's a long story…and an even longer story, and an even longer story than that, but let me just say _this_-" he pointed to the scratches down his face: ugly red lines that stung in the cold air "is what Charlie did – she bit her nails when I knew her. Look now, I've had cheap razors take off less skin then she did!"

"Is she okay?" asked Rimmer, casting aside all his previous inhibitions of not letting on that sometimes, just sometimes, he did actually care a bit "She's safe, yes?"

"She's back at the 'Bug, and that's where we're headin' right now" explained Lister, slotting the live cartridge back in it's housing and flexing his fingers around the mining lazars handle. The pair set off back towards the big green rust bucket they called home, sharing a peaceful, reflective silence as they walked. Eventually, Lister spoke.

"So…. what's the deal with you and Charlie then?"

In the dark, Rimmer had the decency to blush "Well. Not much to say really…." He muttered, praying his deterrent would be good enough.

"Bollocks" dismissed Lister, who knew a blatant lie when he heard one.

"We had sex on a school desk – there, happy now?"

Lister stopped dead in his tracks, his mouth hung open and his eyebrows knitted together tighter than an angora sweater "you what?" he exclaimed, a little too loudly for Rimmer's liking. "On a school desk?"

"Yes."

"….Why? And how'd you have the nerve man, little kids have their lessons there you dirt bag!"

Rimmer sighed, "like you said about your midnight excursions to Bootle Municipal Golf Course 'it was just a place to go' – I couldn't exactly book a room at the Ritz for an hour could I?" He paused, and pondered for a second "I'm surprised that you're acting like this, surely you've had sex in school."

Lister gave a nervous shrug "Sorta…well yeah. Okay I did, but I never did it on a desk like you! Seriously, I'm half impressed at that" he smirked "Mr '12 minutes' graduates onto getting his end away in an educational facility."

Rimmer laughed a little and smiled a lot. Sex was clearly a wonderful way to dispel stress. No wonder everyone knocked boots in those horror films, to take their mind of the imminent danger. He felt fantastic. "Where did you do it then? When you were at school?"

"Maths cupboard. I persuaded Teresa Clarkson to skip physics for a bit of, y'know _quality time_. Half way through the door flies open and there's Mrs Nixon, me maths teacher." He stopped speaking a second to chuckle at his adolescent achievements "I might of got away with it, if I'd said sorry and promised to never do it again…instead I look at her, wink and ask if she wants to join in."

Rimmer blinked "Bet that was a surprise for her."

"You're telling me, she was pushing seventy!". Suddenly the mood changed, shifting into deeper, more profound arenas of thought "Do you love her?"

"Who, your old maths teacher?"

Lister shook his head in a frustrated manner and continued on in that odd, serious voice that always sounded so out of place whenever he used it. "Charlie. Tell me, straight up. No lies, no half-truths, no snarky comments. It's just you, me and a bunch of smegging zombies who couldn't care less, so just be honest." A seconds pause, as he allowed Rimmer to note the gravity of the situation "Do you love Charlie?"

The hologram realised that a lot was hanging on his answer here. Everything, the relationship he was hopefully to embark upon with Charlie, Lister's newfound…respect? No, too strong a word…liking. Yes, Lister's new found liking of Rimmer – everything rested on him being man enough to, for once in his life, gladly admit to possessing a scrap of positive emotion.

The answer was simple. No deliberation. No doubt. Nothing. It just felt _right_.

"Yes."

Lister looked pleased, if not a little bit shocked. He genuinely hadn't expected Rimmer to admit to that so easily. He'd foreseen a lot of 'umming and ahhing' first before the hologram finally muttered an answer in the affirmative. He nodded but said "Act like a smeghead to her and I'll make you wish you'd remained one of the undead, y'hear me!"

Rimmer showed his palms as a non-verbal assurance he'd treat Charlie right. She was, of course, one of Lister's oldest and best friends, so naturally he'd be a bit protective over her.

"Good" said Lister, for continuing onwards,

"And let me just say this to you, my rather portly partner" said Rimmer, folding his long arms behind his back and angling his chin towards the sky "This doesn't mean I now like you"

"Y'what? I-I just saved your life!" Lister was incredulous "How can you say that? I risked life and limb coming out here to grab you, and that's all you feel?"

"No, I also feel pain, thanks to you walloping me one in the face!"

But Lister continued with his rant "You smegger!" he said, frowning "I saved your life man! And it's not even like it's the first time either, I've saved your bony arse time and time and time and time again! And how many times have you saved mine eh? Zero, that's how many."

Rimmer's reaction time was impeccable, his hand flew forwards barely giving Lister enough opportunity to blink. His bony fingers slid around the handle of the bazooikoid and he deftly snatched it from Lister's grip. He then spun on his heels and fired one single shot into the night air.

There was a resounding 'splat' noise and the body of a freshly decapitated zombie slumped forwards, it's knees buckling onto the tarmac below.

Lister, now covered from head to toe in a variety of icky, slippery, stinky decomposing bit could only blink and stare, thus performing a perfectly passable impression of a goldfish.

Rimmer gave a little smug smirk and handed the bazooikoid back "Starting from now" he said "Once."

And he strode onwards, confident in the knowledge that _that _was the single coolest thing he'd ever done _ever_!


	30. The End

If there was one thing that Kryten secretly loved, it was a crisis.

Never was he needed more than when things were going badly. He simply adored the additional responsibility that was invested in him when he smeg had truly hit the fan. He was needed to keep everyone calm, to be a tower of support and reassurance and to perform those mundane but crucial tasks that just simply _had_ to be done, like first aid and the making of the tea.

Having spent the last two hours talking to Charlie through a locked door, he'd finally persuaded her to come out, so he could perform the aforementioned mundane but crucial tasks. The mechanoid gently manoeuvred her into the midsection, where she was deposited into a chair at the table. 

"Now, you just sit there and I'll go and make you a nice, hot cup of sweet tea" he patted Charlie's shoulder in a comforting way before he smiled and bustled into the kitchen. 

Charlie didn't move. She sat, her back ramrod straight and stared without looking at anything in particular. Though her grief was still raw and bitter, licking at her insides like the flames of an inferno, she felt like she simply couldn't shed any more tears today. She shuddered slightly, wrapping her arms around her cold body; closed her eyes and pretended it was Rimmer's embrace.

Toni, who was sat across from her, gave a sad smile. Cat burst into the midsection holding two suits in his hands, each blessed with his usual stylish flair and striking detail. One was pure and brilliant white with ivory coloured silk cuffs and lapels; the other was deepest, darkest black emblazoned with charcoal coloured sequins.

He frowned, so the edges of his shapely eyebrows nearly rested atop his nose. "You see these!" he yowled at the occupants of the room, none of whom took any real notice. "Take a good long look 'cos I won't get to wear them till someone else decides to die!"

Charlie gave another shudder, frowning in utter repulsion.

Cat sighed mournfully and gazed at the two suits in longing "the black one would've looked great on me…and the white one too. Heck, I'd look fabulous in both!" he scowled and hissed "trust Goalpost Head to ruin my clothing plans!"

"Cat" said Toni, her tone dangerously low.

"I mean" continued Cat, completely undeterred "would it have killed him to stay dead? These suits need to be worn babes, they-"

The words finally sunk into Charlie's conscious, her head snapped up, eyes wide and expectant "what did you say?"

"I said, these suits need to-"

"No, no – before that, the bit about Rimmer staying dead….what d'you mean?"

Cat rolled his eyes so quickly his kohl eyeliner wriggled "Get with the times girl! Mech monster created some form of anty-dotey for Alphabet Head and Garry the Gophers ugly cousin has gone back out to get him."

Charlie leapt to her feet, jostling Kryten's arm away causing hot tea to slop out of the mug onto the floor "why did no-one tell me?" she said,

"We didn't want to say anything till we were sure it'd work" explained Toni.

Fear clouded the jubilance. "Did it work? Is Rimmer okay? Is he normal?"

"He was never normal" sniffed Cat, wondering if he could pull of the funereal look for Sunday dinner.

Kryten made soothing gestures with his hands "The computerised antidote I created did successfully rid Mr Rimmer's hologrammatic mainframe of the corruptive virus, the question is…is…" he trailed off.

"The question is? What?" asked, well rather demanded Charlie

Toni chipped in "Whether Dave and Rimmer can make it back safely – they're still in a zombie infested town and Dave's not exactly at his best at the minute, what with the busted arm and everything."

"Oh god" muttered Charlie "have you heard anything yet?"

"Nothing ma'am, the radios are still down. But if everything has gone according to plan, they should be back any time soon."

"And if things haven't gone to plan?" asked Toni, who was as much on edge as Charlie was. Kryten hastily lowered his optical units to the floor and drummed his cubed fingers on his chest plate. The question hung in the air; it glided about the room like a noxious smoke. Everyone was already fully aware of the price that could be paid for a plan going haywire. The costs were too high.

Cat, noting the despondent expressions shared by Toni and Charlie, carefully placed his suits down on the table. He wrapped a tender arm around each of the girls shoulders, drawing them close. He purred softly "Don't worry" he said gently "I'm sure they're both fine!"

There was a pause.

"And if they are dead, I'll be here to 'comfort' you ladies – all night long if I have to!"

"Cat!" cried Toni and Charlie in unison, pulling away in disgust.

"You've got the tact of a Tax Man y'know that!" snapped Charlie

"Hey" yowled Cat, holding his hands up high "you can't blame a guy for tryin'!"

Toni opened her mouth, presumably to blame Cat for indeed trying but she froze. Footsteps were echoing down the corridor, shuffling closer and closer. 

Lister appeared at the doorway, leaning against the frame for support, closing his eyes briefly as if steadying himself. 

Charlie felt her legs buckle as a sick realisation crept through her, tears welled in her eyes and her throat became painfully tight. 

"I'm sorry…" whispered Lister

Charlie sobbed. Toni covered her mouth with her hand and gave a little whimper; even Cat had the good grace to look vaguely upset. 

"Smeghead's back"

Rimmer stepped into the light of midsection, he was beaming. Within seconds Charlie was hung off his shoulders, half laughing, half crying. "I thought I'd lost you" she whispered, punctuating each word with a kiss.

Lister watched for a second or two in bemusement "No accounting for taste is there" he joked.

Toni smiled, gently wrapping her arms around her boyfriends waist and snuggling close "No hard feelings then" she asked "about…" she nodded to Charlie and Rimmer, who had sacrificed the need to talk in favour of fervent kissing. 

Lister sighed "Nah, I mean he can't be a complete smeghead if he did that for her, y'know…sacrificing himself" he paused "she must mean the world to him"

Toni grinned and pecked a quick kiss on his cheek "I'm so proud of you". He returned the grin before it slipped into something of a grimace. 

"Guys!" he yelled at Charlie and Rimmer, whose passion had escalated to the point where clothes were being discarded. "For smegs sake get a room! We've all seen enough horrors today without needing to watch you two get jiggy!"

Charlie pulled away from Rimmer's lips before practically running up to Lister, her smile a mile wide.

"Oh no" said Lister, backing away "Smeg off, I aint joining in!"

She threw her arms around the scouser's neck and squeezed him tight "thank you" she said, "thank you!"

He grinned.

"And erm, sorry about the er" she pointed to the scratches on his cheek.

"Forget about it" he dismissed "it'll heal – now go to bed quickly, before Rimmer dies of sexual frustration. 

Charlie giggled before darting out of the midsection, Rimmer in hot pursuit.

* * *

A few short hours later and Kryten was performing his usual nightly round of the ship, checking to see that everything was in order.

Cat was curled up on a pile of towels in the laundry room, snuggled up to the two suits he never got to wear. Making a mental note to iron the suits tomorrow, Kryten crept into Toni and Lister's bedroom. The pair were fast asleep and by the looks on their faces, their dreams were untroubled by the horrors of the day.

The mechanoid silently slipped back into the corridor and up to Rimmer's door. Judging by the noise, he and Charlie were most definitely not asleep. As another resounding cry of "Geronimo" permeated from under the door, Kryten wandered his way down to the midsection. 

He set about clearing away all the various paraphernalia that always seemed to work its way around the ship during the course of the day. Whistling merrily to himself as he bustled around the room, he stopped suddenly as he across one of Mr Lister's vids.

"Mutant Flesh Eating Massacre 4" – the cover depicted a green, rotting individual clutching at the screaming face of a pretty, young girl with its withered fingers. Kryten 'tsked' in a disapproving manner. In his opinion, they'd all had quite enough that _that_ for one day thank you very much!

Wrinkling his nasal units in obvious disgust, he picked up the vid and held the offending item between his forefinger and thumb. He crossed the room, over to the waste disposal unit. The door bleeped open and the vid was tossed unceremoniously into the gaping darkness. Without a seconds hesitation Kryten pressed the 'activate' button and flushed the damned thing into space. 

**The End**

Phew, it's over! For the record, I've been officially been in the process of writing this story for 2 years, 6 months, 28 days, or put another way that's 942 days. That's 81,388,800 seconds. Aren't I shameful eh? Anyhow, I'd just like to tie this story off with a huge thank you to any readers that are still around. I thank you so much and I hope you enjoyed my writing. 

This is likely to be the end of my original characters Toni and Charlie – so it's kinda unlikely they'll be another sequel, but I've got a few ideas in the bag.

Many thanks once more!

**Sunny**

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